Humor of the Day

[SmokeyBob]

A police recruit was taking the entrance exam.

One of the questions read: "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"

He answered, "Call for backup."

[SmokeyBob]

A man was stopped by the fish and game-warden in Alberta recently. He had with him two buckets of fish. He was leaving Shaw's Point on Slave Lake, well known for its great fishing.

The fish and game warden asked the man: 'Do you have a license to catch all those fish?'

The man replied to the game warden: 'No, sir. These are my pet fish.'

'Pet fish?' the warden replied.

'Yes, sir. Every night I take these here fish down to the lake and let them swim around. After a while, I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take them back home again.'

'That's a bunch of hogwash! Fish can't do that!' was the outburst from the Warden.

The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said: 'Here, I'll show you. It really works.'

'O.K. I've GOT to see this!' The game warden was curious now.

The man poured the two buckets of fish into the lake and stood and waited.

After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, 'Well?'

'Well, what?' the man responded.

'When are you going to call them back?' The game warden prompted.

'Call who back?' The man asked.

'The FISH.' the warden said.

'What fish?' The man asked.

[SmokeyBob]

On the first day back in school, the English teacher wrote on the blackboard. "I ain't had no fun all summer."

"Now Paul." she said to a student. "What shall I do to correct this?"
"Get a boyfriend." Paul replied.

[SmokeyBob]

A very loud Texan Engineer was visiting Australia, and talking big about all of the large civil works in the USA that he was involved in. To be polite his Australian counterpart took him on a tour of some of Sydney’s larger constructions.

First he took him to Gladesville Bridge. The Texan exclaimed, "What’s that!” In reply the Australian said, "Thats the Gladesville Bridge."

"Hmmph" said the Texan, "How long and how many men did it take to build?” The Australian replied, "About 5 years with 1000 men."
The Texan replied, "Well in Texas we would've done it in 2 years with 500 men."

Next they went to the Sydney Opera House. "What's that" said the Texan. "That's the Sydney Opera House" was the reply.

"Hmmph" said the Texan, "How long and how many men did it take to build?”

The Australian replied, "About 10 years with 200 men".

The Texan replied "Well in Texas we would've done it in 4 years with 200 men."

By this stage the Australian was a little put out by the Texan's attitude so he decided to get some revenge, they walked around the Sydney Opera House and as they did the Sydney Harbor Bridge came into view.

Immediately the Texan exclaimed, "Wow! What's that?"

The Australian Engineer replied, "I don't know, it wasn't there yesterday."

[SmokeyBob]

Jane walked into a pharmacy, strolled over to the counter, and caught the pharmacist's attention.

"Can I please get some arsenic?" she asked.

"Arsenic? What do you want arsenic for?" asked the pharmacist.

"It's for my husband," she replied.

"Your husband?" exclaimed the pharmacist, "I hope you don't mean what I think you mean!"

She just nodded.

"Well, lady," he replied, "I'm an honest man. I can't sell you arsenic, I wouldn't if I could, and I don't know what made you think you could just stroll into a respectable store and expect me me to sell you arsenic.!"

She didn't say a word. She just reached into her purse, fished out a photograph, and handed it across the counter. It was a picture of her husband, in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

Slowly the pharmacist looks up, over the counter, and then straight at her. "Lady," he said, "why didn't you tell me you had a prescription?"

[SmokeyBob]

A husband and wife had a human cannonball act in the circus.

One day the wife ran off with the lion tamer, leaving the husband extremely dejected.

The strong man asked him what he was going to do.

The husband answered, “This is a disaster. I don’t know where I’m going to find another woman of her caliber.”

[SmokeyBob]

The Theory

"Salary Theorem" states that "Engineers and Scientists can never earn as much as Business Executives and Sales People."

This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates:

1. Knowledge is Power.
2. Time is Money.

As every engineer knows:
Power = Work / Time

Since:
Knowledge = Power
Time = Money

It follows that:
Knowledge = Work/Money.

Solving for Money, we get:
Money = Work / Knowledge.

Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.

Conclusion:
The less you know, the more you make.

Example:
Politicians

[SmokeyBob]

A customer was really hassling an airline agent at the ticket counter — yelling and using foul language. However, the agent was polite, pleasant and smiled while the customer continued to abuse her.

When the man finally left, the next person in line said to the agent, “Does that happen often? I can’t believe how nice you were to him.”

The agent smiled and said, “No problem, I took care of it. He’s going to Detroit. His bags are going to Bangkok.”

[SmokeyBob]

As a teacher I often send home notes with children to inform the parents that their child’s behavior can use some improvement.

I received the following letter from one student’s father, “Dear Mrs Green, Harry is sorry he didn’t do his homework last night, he will never do it again.”

[SmokeyBob]

A little boy was in a cemetery with his mother,

“Mommy” the boy asked , “do they ever bury two people in the same grave?”

“Of course not, dear.” replied the mother, “Why would you think that?”

“The tombstone back there said, Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.”

[VijayGupta]

Three couples were going to join a very fundamental church.

The pastor met with them and told them that they'd need to abstain from marital relations for six weeks to show their devotion and seriousness about joining the church. They made an appointment to come back in six weeks.

When meeting again, he asked the first couple, who were in their 70s if they had been able to abstain.

The man answered, "Sure it was no problem, just the usual around the house."

The pastor welcomed them into the church. Then he asked the second couple, who were in their 40s.

This man answered, "Well it was tough but we did it. We had a lot of cold showers and sleeping in separate rooms the last two weeks, but we did it."

Likewise the pastor welcomed them into the church. Then he asked the third couple, who were in their 20s.

This man hung his head in shame and said, "Well almost. The first week was pretty tough and it got tougher. So we decided to remodel the kitchen. After work every day and all weekends long, we had construction work and by the time we quit around 11, we were mentally and physically exhausted. But then it the last week, my wife was bending over to pick up a can of paint. There was her beautiful figure right there in front of my eyes, her blue jeans and sweaty t-shirt accentuating every curve. I just couldn't restrain myself anymore. She felt the same way because we made passionate love right there on the floor."

The preacher was aghast, "I'm sorry, that's disgraceful. I'm not going to be able to let you join the church. In fact, I'm going to ask that you never, ever, come back here again."

The man replied, "I understand completely, the manager at Home Depot paint department told us the same thing."

[SmokeyBob]

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire become a great writer.

When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages

[SmokeyBob]

An old lady tottered into a lawyer's office and asked for help in arranging a divorce.

"A divorce?" asked the unbelieving lawyer. "Tell me, how old are you?"

"I'm eighty-four," answered the old lady.

"Eighty-four! And how old is your husband?"

"My husband is eighty-seven."

"My my," said the lawyer." And how long have you been married?"

"Next September will be sixty-two years."

"Married sixty-two years?! Why would you want a divorce now?"

"Because," the woman answered calmly, "enough is enough!"

[SmokeyBob]

Three preachers sat discussing the best positions for prayer while a telephone repairman worked nearby.

"Kneeling is definitely best," claimed one.

"No," another contended, "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven."

"You're both wrong," the third insisted, "The most effective prayer position is lying prostrate, face down on the floor."

The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey, fellas," he interrupted, "the best prayin' I ever did was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole."

[SmokeyBob]

I was scheduled to fly from North Carolina to Germany, where my husband was stationed in the military. As I checked in at the airport, the ticket agent asked me some standard security questions.

"Has anyone given you any packages you didn't pack yourself?" he asked.

I told him that my mother-in-law had given me a parcel to take to her son.

He looked at me very carefully and asked, "Does she like you?"