Humor of the Day

[SmokeyBob]

A wise old Texas rancher went to town to trade for a pickup truck he saw advertised in the paper for an unbelievably low price. After showing the salesman which truck he wanted, they sat down to do the paperwork.

The salesman handed the rancher the keys and the bill, to which the Texas rancher angrily declared, "This ain't the price I saw!"

The salesman went on to tell the wise old Texas rancher how he was getting extras such as power brakes, power windows, special tires, etc. and that made the final price higher.

The Texas rancher wanted only that truck and no other, so he begrudgingly paid the price and drove it home. A few months later, the salesman called the Texas rancher.

"My son is in 4-H and he needs a cow for a project. Do you have any good cows for sale"?

"Yep, I've a few good cows priced to sell at $500 each. Come on out and take your pick."

The salesman said he and his son would be right out.

After spending a few hours in the field checking out all the rancher's cows, they decided on one and the salesman proceeded to write a check for $500.

"Now, wait a minute, that's not the final price of the cow. You're gettin' extras and you have to pay for those, too!"

"What extras"? asked the salesman.

"I think you'll find all you're gettin' listed here!"

Basic Cow: $500.00
Two Tone Exterior: $45.00
Extra Stomach: $75.00
Product Storing Equipment: $60.00
Straw Compartment: $120.00
Four Spigots at $10 each: $40.00
Leather Upholstery: $125.00
Dual Horns: $45.00
Automatic Fly Swatter: $38.00
Fertilizer Attachment: $185.00

Grand Total: $1,233.00

[SmokeyBob]

The authorities were leading a priest, a drunkard and an engineer to the guillotine. They asked the priest if he wanted to face up or down when he meets his fate.

The priest said that he would like to face up so that he will be looking toward heaven when he dies. So, they raise the blade of the guillotine, release it and it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck.

The authorities take this as divine intervention and release the priest.

Next the drunkard comes to the guillotine. He also decides to die face up hoping that he will be as fortunate as the priest. They raise the blade of the guillotine, release it and it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck.

So, the authorities release the drunkard as well.

Next is the engineer. He also decides to die facing up. They slowly raise the blade of the guillotine when suddenly the engineer shouts, "WAIT!!!… I think the problem is right there where the cable is binding!!!"

[SmokeyBob]

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.

"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman enquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."

"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"

"The guy was your doctor..."

[SmokeyBob]

A visitor to a certain college paused to admire the new Hemingway Hall that had been built on campus.

"It's a pleasure to see a building named for Ernest Hemingway," he said.

"Actually," said his guide, "it's named for Joshua Hemingway. No relation."

The visitor was astonished. "Was Joshua Hemingway a writer, also?"

"Yes, indeed," said his guide. "He wrote a check."

[SmokeyBob]

College Entrance Exam For Student Athletes

Time Limit: 3 WEEKS

1. What language is spoken in France?

2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions -OR- Give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.

3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to

____ (a) build a bridge
____ (b) sail the ocean
____ (c) lead an army or
____ (d) WRITE A PLAY

4. What religion is the Pope? (check only one)
____ (a) Jewish
____ (b) Catholic
____ (c) Hindu
____ (d) Polish
____ (e) Agnostic

5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?

6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?

7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)

8. What are people in America's far north called?
____ (a) Westerners
____ (b) Southerners
____ (c) Northerners

9. Spell -- Bush, Carter and Clinton

Bush: __________________________
Carter: __________________________
Clinton: __________________________

10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.

11. Where does rain come from?
____ (a) Macy's
____ (b) Kmart
____ (c) Canada
____ (d) the sky

12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
____ (a) yes
____ (b) no

13. What are coat hangers used for?

14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?

15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.

16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?

17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
____ (a) New York
____ (b) Florida
____ (c) Canada
____ (d) Wisconsin

18. Advanced math. If you have three apples, how many apples do you have?

19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?

20. The Cornell University tradition for efficiency began when (approximately)?
____ (a) B.C
____ (b) A.D.

Signed _______________________

[SmokeyBob]

There was a dance teacher who talked of a very old dance called the Politician.

"All you have to do" she told her class "is take three steps forward, two steps backward, then side-step, side-step and turn around."

[SmokeyBob]

Fisherman's Logic

One day a fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach with his fishing pole propped up in the sand and his solitary line cast out into the sparkling blue surf. About that time, a businessman came walking down the beach, trying to relieve some of the stress of his workday. He noticed the fisherman sitting on the beach and decided to find out why this fisherman was fishing instead of working harder to make a living for himself and his family.

"You aren't going to catch many fish that way," said the businessman to the fisherman, "you should be working rather than lying on the beach!"

The fisherman looked up at the businessman, smiled and replied, "And what will my reward be?"

"Well, you can get bigger nets and catch more fish!" was the businessman's answer.

"And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman, still smiling.

The businessman replied, "You will make money and you'll be able to buy a boat, which will then result in larger catches of fish!"

"And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman again.

The businessman was beginning to get a little irritated with the fisherman's questions. "You can buy a bigger boat, and hire some people to work for you!" he said.

"And then what will my reward be?" repeated the fisherman.

The businessman was getting angry. "Don't you understand? You can build up a fleet of fishing boats, sail all over the world, and let all your employees catch fish for you!"

Once again the fisherman asked, "And then what will my reward be?"

The businessman was red with rage and shouted at the fisherman, "Don't you understand that you can become so rich that you will never have to work for your living again! You can spend all the rest of your days sitting on this beach, looking at the sunset. You won't have a care in the world!"

The fisherman, still smiling, looked up and said, "And what do you think I'm doing right now?"

[SmokeyBob]

My dad and I were talking the other night about love and marriage. He told me he knew as early as their wedding what marriage to my mom would be like.

It seems the minister asked my mom, "Do you take this man to be your husband?"

And she said, "I do."

Then the minister asked my dad, "Do you take this woman to be your wife?" And my mom said, "He does."

[SmokeyBob]

I was setting up a large, cast aluminum, decorative sundial in my yard that I had purchased from a garden catalog.

A neighbor, an old Florida fellow, was leaning on the fence watching my progress and asked, "What the heck's that for?"

I explained, "It's a sundial. See, the sun will hit that small triangular spike and cast a shadow on the face of the sundial. Then, as the sun moves across the sky, the shadow also moves across the calibrated dial, enabling a person to determine the correct time."

My neighbor shook his head and muttered, "Huh, what will they think of next?!"

[SmokeyBob]

One day, a cowboy walked into a blacksmith shop and picked up a horseshoe, not realizing it had just come from the forge.

He immediately dropped it and jammed his hand into his pocket, trying to act as if nothing had happened.

The blacksmith noticed and asked with a grin, "Kind of hot, wasn't it?"

"Nope," answered the cowboy through clenched teeth. "It just doesn't take me long to look at a horseshoe!"

[SmokeyBob]

A recent college graduate took a new job in a hilly Eastern city and began commuting each day to work through a tiring array of tunnels, bridges and traffic jams. Thinking it would make the trip more bearable, he invited several coworkers to share the ride. However, the commute actually got more stressful, especially the trips through the tunnels. He consulted the company doctor.

"Doc," the frustrated commuter complained, "I'm fine on the bridges, in the traffic, in the day and at night, and even when Joe forgets to bathe all week. But now, when I get in the tunnels with those four other guys crowded into the car, I get anxious and dizzy, and I feel like I'm going to explode."

Without further analysis, the doctor announced he had diagnosed the ailment.

"What is it, Doc? Am I going insane?"

"No, no, no, my boy. You have something that is becoming more and more common."

"Tell me! What is it?"

"You have what is known as Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.

[SmokeyBob]

A couple goes to an art gallery.

They find a picture of a naked women with only her privates covered with leaves.

The wife doesn't like it and moves on but the husband keeps looking.

The wife asks: "What are you waiting for?"

The husband replies: "Autumn."

[SmokeyBob]

Autumn is a season for big decisions — like whether or not it’s too late to start spring cleaning.

This autumn we can look forward to falling leaves and rising gas prices. We’ll be raking it up while the oil companies are raking it in.

The autumn leaves are a lot like raising kids. First they turn on you, and then they fly away. And next thing you know, you look out the window and they’re back!

I got tired of looking at all those leaves in my yard, so I got up off the couch and went into action. I closed the curtains.

[SmokeyBob]

Q: How many economists does it take to change a light-bulb?

A: None. If the light-bulb needed changing, the market would have already done it.


Q: How many tech-support folks does it take to change a light-bulb?

A: We have a light-bulb here, and it works fine. Can you tell me what kind of bulb you have? OK. There could be four or five things wrong. Now, have you turned the light switch off and on?


Q: How many 16-year-olds does it take to change a light-bulb?

A: Whatever.

[Redneck Teepee]

Q: How many economists does it take to change a light-bulb?

A: None. If the light-bulb needed changing, the market would have already done it.


Q: How many tech-support folks does it take to change a light-bulb?

A: We have a light-bulb here, and it works fine. Can you tell me what kind of bulb you have? OK. There could be four or five things wrong. Now, have you turned the light switch off and on?


Q: How many 16-year-olds does it take to change a light-bulb?

A: Whatever.

How many Berkeley students does it take to change a light bulb?

50....2 to figure out how to change it, and 48 to protest the light bulbs rights not to be changed