Humor of the Day

[dales133]

A guy gos to the Dr and says "some days I feel like a wigwam other days I feel like a teepee, what's going on!"...
The Dr thinks about it for a minute and says "I realy think your just two tents"

[Frankelson]

An elephant says to his pal: "I've forgotten what it is we never do."

[SmokeyBob]

Two guys are out drinking when one of them falls off his barstool and lies motionless on the floor.

"One thing about Fred," his buddy says to the bartender. "He knows when to stop."

[SmokeyBob]

My young son declared, “When 
I grow up, I’m going to marry you, Mommy.”

“You can’t marry your own mother,” said his older sister.

“Then I’ll marry you.”

“You can’t marry me either.”

He looked confused, so I explained, “You can’t marry someone in your own family.”

“You mean I have to marry a total stranger?!” he cried.

[SmokeyBob]

A woman called the Colorado State Division of Wildlife regarding a snake in her backyard. “Can you tell me what kind it is?” she asked.

“Can you describe it?” I asked.

“Yes,” she said. “It’s long and thin.”

[SmokeyBob]

Three Pastors in the south were having lunch in a diner.

One said, “Since summer started I’ve been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church. I’ve tried everything–noise, spray, cats–nothing seems to scare them away.”

Another said, “Me too. I’ve got hundreds living in my belfry and in the narthex attic. I’ve even had the place fumigated, and they won’t go away.”

The third said, “I baptized all mine, and made them members of the church. Haven’t seen one back since.”

[SmokeyBob]

A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store.

The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious!

She stormed past the store to her work.

On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." She was incredibly ticked now.

The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."

The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and warned she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.

When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, "Hey lady."

She paused and said,"Yes?"

The bird said, "You know."

[SmokeyBob]

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said someone may steal from it at night, so they created a night watchman position (GS-4) and hired a person for the job.

Then Congress said, “How does the watchman do his job without instruction?” So they created a planning position and hired two people: one person to write the instructions (GS-12) and one person to do time studies (GS-11).

Then Congress said, “How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?” So they created a Q.C. position and hired two people, one GS-9 to do the studies and one GS-11 to write the reports.

Then Congress said, “How are these people going to get paid?” So they created the following positions, a timekeeper (GS-09) and a payroll officer (GS-11) and hired two people.

Then Congress said, “Who will be accountable for all of these people?”

So they created an administrative position and hired three people: an Admin. Officer (GM-13), an Assistant Admin. Officer (GS-13) and a Legal Secretary (GS-08).

Then Congress said, “We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost,” so they laid off the night watchman.

[SmokeyBob]

A generally good-humored boss was finally compelled to call an employee into his office about the sick leave policy.

"It has not escaped my attention," he pointed out, "that every time there's a home game at the stadium, you have to take your aunt to the doctor."

"You know you're right, sir," exclaimed the bashfully grinning employee. "I didn't realize it. You don't suppose she's faking it, do you?"

[SmokeyBob]

Three cowboys were waiting for their friend to show up at the corral with his new car. "I know that smart aleck," said the first. "He's gonna start bragging about that new foreign car he bought as soon as he gets back."

"Naw," the second cowboy replied. "He'll always be just a good ol' boy. When he walks in, I'm sure all he'll say is hello."

"I know Tex better than either of you," said the third. "He's so smart, he'll figure out a way to do both."

Just then, the door swung open. "Audi, partners!"

[SmokeyBob]

A customer kept bothering the waiter in a restaurant. First, he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on.

Surprisingly, the waiter walked back and forth and never once got angry. After half an hour, a second customer asked him why he didn't throw out the pest.

"Oh, I really don't care or mind," said the waiter, smiling. "We don't even have an air conditioner."

[SmokeyBob]

A man was walking down a street in Washington. A robber suddenly came up behind him, pulled out a gun and said, "Gimme all your money, now!"

The victim replied, "You can't do this to me! I'm a Congressman!"

The robber thought for a moment, then said, "In that case, gimme all of MY money!"

[SmokeyBob]

Working at the post office, I'm used to dealing with a moody public.

So, when one irate customer stormed my desk, I responded in my calmest voice,
"What's the trouble"?

"I went out this morning," she began, "and when I came home, I found a card saying the
mailman tried to deliver a package, but no one was home. I'll have you know, my husband was in all morning! He never heard a thing!"

After apologizing, I got her parcel.

"Oh good!" she gushed. "We've been waiting for this for ages!"

"What is it"? I asked.

"My husband's new hearing aid."

[SmokeyBob]

College Students

I used to live in New Brunswick, New Jersey, the home of Rutgers University.

The new flock of kids attending college always includes those who need a little help with everyday chores they themselves never did before, such as laundry or grocery shopping.

One day, I was in the dairy aisle for some eggs. As usual, I opened the carton to check them over before putting them in my cart. Beside me, a young man did the same to his carton and then leaned toward me and asked, "What are we looking for?"

[SmokeyBob]

Some kids were in the habit of teasing Timmy by repeatedly offering him a choice between a nickel and a dime.

He always chose the nickel, "Because it's bigger."

One day, a friend took him aside and asked, "Don't you know that a dime's worth more than a nickel?"

Timmy answered, "Yeah, but if I picked the dime they'd stop doing it!"