Humor of the Day

[SmokeyBob]

While serving as associate pastor in a church in the California gold country, I had an elderly gentlemen attend some of our Bible studies.

When he missed one week, I called to see if he was alright. He told me he had started to feel sick, but a friend had told him of a natural supplement that had helped him to get better right away.

When I asked what it was, he said it was available at health food stores and was like a natural antibiotic.

I again asked what this wonder supplement was called and he said, (meaning Echinacea) "Euthanasia, I think."

[SmokeyBob]

Two confirmed bachelors sat talking. Their conversation drifted from politics to cooking.

'I got a cook book once', said the first, 'but I could never do anything with it.'

'Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?' asked the second.

You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way - 'Take a clean dish and...'

[SmokeyBob]

Lyn belongs to our Diet Club and she was lamenting that she had gained weight.

She told us that she had made her family's favorite luscious cake over the weekend, and added that they'd eaten half of it at dinner that evening.

The next day, Lyn continued, she kept staring at the other half, until finally she cut a thin slice for herself. One slice led to another, and soon the whole cake had vanished.

She went on to tell us how upset she was with her lack of willpower, and how she knew her husband would be so disappointed. Everyone commiserated, until someone asked what her husband said when he found out.

Lyn smiled broadly and quipped, 'He never found out. I made another cake and ate half of that too.'

[SmokeyBob]

Kiss

In math: Two divided by nothing.

In physics: The contraction of 
the mouth due to the expansion 
of the heart.

In accounting: It’s a credit, because it is profitable when returned.

In economics: A thing for which the demand is higher than the 
supply.

In dentistry: It’s infectious and 
antiseptic.

[SmokeyBob]

A couple was sitting in the park.

Two dogs that were romping on the grass started to lick each other's faces.

The girl said, "They look like they're kissing."

The boy replied. "If you wouldn't mind, I think I'd like to give that a try."

The girl said, "I don't mind, but I'd be careful. The big white dog looks like it could be dangerous."

[SmokeyBob]

Snow Riddles

How do snowmen travel around?
Answer: By icicle!

How one snowman greets the other one?
Answer: Ice to meet you.

What is the popular name of the snowman in summers?
Answer: A puddle.

What is the favorite Mexican food of snowman?
Answer: Brrrr- itos.

[SmokeyBob]

NASA decided to send a shuttle into space with two monkeys and an astronaut on board. After months of training, they placed all three in the shuttle and prepared for launch.

Mission Control Center announced, "This is Mission Control to Monkey One. Do your stuff."

The first monkey began frantically typing and the shuttle took off.

Two hours later, NASA's mission control center announced, "This is Mission Control to Monkey Two. Do your stuff."

The second monkey started typing like mad and the shuttle separated from the empty fuel tanks.

Another two hours later Mission Control Center announced, "This is Mission Control to Astronaut... "

At this, the astronaut shouted "I know, I know -- feed the monkeys and don't touch anything."

[SmokeyBob]

A policeman pulls a driver over for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow into a breathalyzer.

"I can't do that, officer -- I'm an asthmatic. I could hvae an asthma attack if I blow into that tube."

"OK, we'll just get a urine sample down at the station."

"Can't do that either, officer. I'm a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup."

"Alright, we could get a blood sample."

"Can't do that either, officer. I'm a hemophiliac. If I give blood, I could die."

"Fine then, just walk this white line."

"Can't do that either, officer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm drunk."

[SmokeyBob]

My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he’d dropped his toothbrush in the toilet.

So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage.

Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush.

He held it up and said with a charming little smile, “We better throw this one out too then, ’cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.”

[SmokeyBob]

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar.

During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone.

“It’s Pastor Dave from church, Mommy,” the child said to her mother. Then she added, “Mommy can’t come to the phone to talk to you right now. She’s hitting the bottle.”

[SmokeyBob]

Farmer Don was having trouble getting his neighbor to keep his chickens fenced in. The neighbor kept talking about chickens being God's creatures, and as such they had the right to go where they wanted.

Don was having no luck keeping the chickens out of his flower beds, and he had tried everything. Two weeks later, on a visit I noticed his flower beds were doing great. The flowers were beginning to bloom.

So I asked him how he managed to keep the birds away. "How did you make your neighbor keep his hens in his own yard?"

"One night I hid half a dozen eggs under a bush by my flower bed," Farmer Don told me, "and the next day I let my neighbor see me gather them. I wasn't bothered after that."

[SmokeyBob]

December 8, 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of
the season! We poured wine and sat for hours by the window,
watching the huge soft flakes drift down. It looked like a
Grandma Moses Print, so romantic, we felt like newlyweds
again. I love snow!

December 9: Woke to a blanket of crystal white snow covering
the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Moving here was the
best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years
and felt like a kid again. Did the both driveway and sidewalks.
What a perfect life!

December 12: Sun melted all the lovely snow but good neighbor
said we'd have a white Christmas. Then commented that by the
end of Winter I'd never want to see snow again. Hah!

December 14: Snow, Lovely snow! 8" last night and cold, too.
Wind took my breath away but warmed up shoveling. This is the
life! Later, the snowplow came back, again, but I'm getting in
better shape. Just wish I didn't huff and puff so much.

December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold the van and bought a 4x4;
snow tires for the wife's car plus two extra. Shoveled, then
stocked the freezer. Wife wants a wood stove in case power goes
off. I think that's silly - we aren't in Alaska!

December 16: Ice storm this morning. Landed on my butt trying to
salt the driveway. Hurt real bad. Wife laughed for an hour. (I
think that was very cruel.)

December 17: Too cold and icy to go anywhere. Power was off for
five hours. Piled on blankets to stay warm with nothing to do but
stare at the wife and try not to upset her. Can't believe I'm
freezing to death in my own living room. (Won't admit that I
should have bought wood stove: hate it when she's right.)

December 20: Power's back on and had another 14" of the stuff.
Shoveled all day. Snowplow came by twice. Kids too busy playing
hockey to help. Hardware store sold out. Next shipment of snow
blowers due in March. Neighbor says I have to shovel or city will
have it done and bill me. (Think he's lying.)

December 22: White Christmas!!! 13" more of the white stuff and
it's so cold it won't melt 'til August. Tried to shovel - just too
tired. Tried to get help from neighbor who has snow plow on his
truck but he said he was too busy. (Sure he's lying.)

December 23: Only 2" of snow today and had warmed up to 0. Wife
wanted me to decorate the front of the house. What is she nuts?!?
Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? Says she did.
(Think she's lying.)

December 24: 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the
shovel. I'm gonna get that snow plow driver. (I know he waits
around the corner to see if I'm finished, then roars by at 100,
sending snow flying all over.) Wife wanted me to sing carols
with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for the
darn snow plow.

December 25: Merry Christmas. Another 20" of the slop. Snowed in
again and the idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. I hate snow!
Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation. I wanted
to hit him over the head with my shovel. Wife says I have a bad
attitude. I think she's an idiot and if I have to watch "It's a
Wonderful Life" one more time, I'll throw her in the snowbank.

December 26: Still snowed in.

December 27: Temperature dropped another 30 degrees and the pipes
froze.

December 28: Warmed up to minus 25. Still snowed in and the wife is
making me crazy!!!!!!

December 29: Another 10". Neighbor says I have to shovel the roof
before it caves in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How
dumb does he think I am?

December 30: Roof caved in. Another 9" in forecast.

December 31: Set fire to what's left of the house: no more
shoveling!!

January 8: I feel sooooo good. I just love those little white pills
they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

[SmokeyBob]

Jack was sitting in an airplane when another guy took the seat beside him. The new guy was an absolute wreck, pale, hands shaking, biting his nails and moaning in fear.

"Hey, pal, what's the matter?" Jack asked

"Oh man... I've been transferred to California," the other guy answered, "there's crazy people in California and they have shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, the highest crime rate..."

"Hold on," Jack interrupted, "I've lived in California all my life, and it is not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a good school and it's as safe as anywhere in the world."

The other passeger relaxed and stopped shaking for a moment and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death, but if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"

"Me?" said Jack, "I'm a tail gunner on a bread truck."

[SmokeyBob]

A few years ago, I decided to visit my brother who was stationed in Germany. I assumed that most Germans would speak English, but I found that many people spoke only their native tongue, including the ticket inspector on the train.

He punched my ticket, then chatted cordially for a bit, making gestures like a
windmill. I simply nodded from time to time to show him that I was interested.

When he had gone, an American woman in the compartment leaned forward and asked
if I spoke German.

"No," I confessed.

"Then that explains," she said, "why you didn't bat an eyelid when he told you that you were on the wrong train."

[SmokeyBob]

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December.

Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.

We should have known... ONLY women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.