Humor of the Day

[SmokeyBob]

We were trying to get our toddler age daughter to pet a friend's large and rambunctious dog.

She gingerly patted it on the hips and when we asked her to pat his head she came back with a very logical reply: "No, I pat this end—this end doesn't bite!"

[SmokeyBob]

This guy drives up to his house and the place where he usually parks is full of snow. So, he parks in a nearby parking lot and walks back home to shovel out a car-sized space in front of his house.

It takes hours to shovel, but finally done, he walks back to the lot to get his car. When he returns home, he finds that the space has been taken by some other car. He is, well, upset.

What most people do is write nasty notes, etc. and place them on the windshield of the offending vehicle. Police sometimes get involved, however, when the individual vents his wrath in somewhat more violent means. Tires and throats have been slashed over this.

So, this guy decides to get creative. Instead of doing the usual nasty note, he got out his garden hose and watered the automobile down, real well. I mean, very, very thoroughly. The water of course froze solid. When the owner returned, instead of a car, he found a car-sized Popsicle.

The note on the car read, "You want the space? Here. It's yours until spring!"

[SmokeyBob]

HR Consultant: "Here's my final consulting report on your company. I've listed all the dead-weight employees who should be fired."

Boss: "This is the company directory."

HR Consultant: "Finding that was a huge time-saver."

[Redneck Teepee]

No dictionary has ever been able to satisfactorily define the difference between "complete" and "finished." However, during a recent linguistic conference, held in London, England, and attended by some of the best linguists in the world, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese linguist, was the presenter when he was asked to make that very distinction.


The question put to him by a colleague in the erudite audience was this: “Some say there is no difference between ‘complete’ and ‘finished.’ Please explain the difference in a way that is easy to understand.”


Mr. Balgobin’s response: “When you marry the right woman, you are ‘complete.’ If you marry the wrong woman, you are ‘finished.’ And, if the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are ‘completely finished.’”


His answer received a five minute standing ovation.

[SmokeyBob]

That's a good one.

[SmokeyBob]

For those keyboard jockeys (those with jobs that require sitting at a computer all day) who don't want to spend the money for those fancy exercise machines, here is a little secret for building arm and shoulder muscles. Three days a week is best.

Begin by standing (in your cubicle works well) with a five pound potato sack in each hand. Extend your arms straight out to your sides and hold them there as long as you can.

After a few weeks, move up to ten pound potato sacks and then fifty pound potato sacks, and finally get to where you can lift a one hundred pound potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute

Next, start putting a few potatoes in the sacks.

[SmokeyBob]

The Mix-Up

“What the heck is going on here?” said an angry man storming into the florist shop. “I just lost one of my main clients and it’s your fault!”

“Why don’t you calm down a bit” said the lady behind the counter, “and let us know what exactly happened.”

“Well,” said the man “My biggest client moved to a new location, and to be nice I called you guys up and asked you to send him some flowers with a note saying “congratulations on your new location.” He calls me up and says to me “what’s the big deal with sending me a note that says “rest in peace?!”
“Oh no!” she sighed, “now I know why I got a nasty message from the funeral parlor!”

[SmokeyBob]

A couple was getting married, and it was only three days before the wedding.

The bride calls her mother with some bad news.

"Mom," she says, "I just found out that my fiance's mother has bought the exact same dress as you to wear to the wedding."

The bride's mother thinks for a minute.

"Don't worry," she tells her daughter. "I'll just go and buy another dress to wear to the ceremony."

"But mother," says the bride, "that dress cost a fortune. What will you do with it? It's such a waste not to use it."

"Who said I won't use it?" her mother asked. "I'll just wear it to the rehearsal dinner."

[bobhenry]

This was a great one......

This comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. experience. It has an indisputable mathematical logic. It also made me Laugh Out Loud.
This is a strictly ..... mathematical viewpoint... and it goes like this:

What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

And

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But ,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there.
It’s the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.
Now you know why some people are where they are!

[SmokeyBob]

The Real Definition of Words When Used By Women

Fine - I am right. This argument is over. You need to shut up.

That's Okay - One of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. "That's okay" means she wants to think hard and long before deciding when and how you'll pay for your mistake.

Nothing - The calm before the storm. This means "Something" and you better be on your toes. Note: Arguments that start with "Nothing" usually end with "Fine" (See #1).

Five Minutes - If getting dressed, this means half an hour. (Don't be mad about this. It's the same definition for you when it's your turn to do some chores around the house.)

Thanks - A woman is thanking you. Do not question this or faint. Just say, "You're welcome," and let it go.

Loud Sigh - Not actually a word but rather a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. It means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is standing here wasting her time arguing with you about "Nothing." (See #3)

Go Ahead - This is a dare, not permission. (Don't Do It!)

Don't worry about it, I got it - The second most dangerous statement a woman can make. It means that a woman has asked a man several times to do something and is now doing it herself. (This will result in you asking at a later date, "What's wrong?" For the woman's response, see #3.)

[SmokeyBob]

A couple had been married for 45 years and had raised a brood of 11 children and was blessed with 22 grandchildren.

When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replies, "Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids."

[SmokeyBob]

A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the younger doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story.

After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched down the hallway back to where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard.

"What's the matter with you?" the older doctor demanded. "Mrs. Terry is
61 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren and you told her she was pregnant?"

The younger doctor continued writing, and without looking up and said,

"Does she still have the hiccups?"

[SmokeyBob]

The Cowboy

A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

"Hasn't affected my brothers though."

[SmokeyBob]

On his deathbed barely able to breathe, Edward smelled the aroma of freshly baked brownies. He always had a passion for this confection and thought to himself, "If I could just have one more brownie I could die in peace!"

He called to his wife but his voice was so frail she couldn't hear him. Not getting an answer, he slid out of the bed and onto the floor, then dragged himself across the room and out into the hallway.

Down the hall and down the stairs he slowly moved, crawling hand over hand closer to that heavenly smell. At the bottom of the stairs he pulled himself along painfully—hand over hand closer to that delicious aroma.

He continued—through the living room, across the dining room, and finally up into his chair at the dining table. He reached across the table and grabbed the tray of freshly baked brownies.

But as Edward dragged the tray toward himself it made a scraping noise, and suddenly he heard his wife yell from the kitchen, "Don't touch the brownies, they're for the funeral!"

[SmokeyBob]

Randy tripped on the stairs and broke his leg.

The doctor put a cast on it and warned that he wasn't to use the stairs until the cast came off.

Four months later he removed the cast and pronounced him well on the way to recovery.

"Oh good," he responded. "Is it all right for me to walk the stairs now?"

"Yes," said the doctor, "if you will promise to be careful."

"I can't tell you what a relief it will be," he sighed. "It was such a nuisance crawling outside and shinnying up and down that drainpipe all the time!"