Humor of the Day

[s4son]

Scott,

You're describing GM to the T!!!

Mike...

That's pretty funny, originally the companys were Toyota and General Motors but I removed those references so no one would get offended. I have to agree with Rocky, I think most large corporations have that mind set.

Scott F.

[PaulC]

An attorney got home late one evening, after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for a client, James Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last-minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he got through the door at home, his wife started on him about, "What time of night do you call this? Where have you been?" And on and on.Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whisky and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after all. Finally realizing what a day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs to give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband's rear end as he was bent over naked drying his legs and feet.

They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.







He whirled around and screamed, "FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP"??!!

[Rob]

Little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"

The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!

Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.

As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up a ppeared that said:

You got Male

[halfdome, Danny]

No Sex Tonight

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, "I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear...
"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out pair of diamond earrings.

Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.

Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled----WHAT?"

I then said "honey, I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial means as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either...

[bledsoe3]

Danny, That was worth posting twice.

[halfdome, Danny]

Danny, That was worth posting twice.

I didn't even know it posted as I kept getting error messages. Danny

[PaulC]

Here are a few things to think about that you probably have never thought about;

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Can you cry under water?

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How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

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Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. . but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

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Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

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Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

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What disease did cured ham actually have?

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How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

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Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

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If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

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Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

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Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

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Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

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Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural

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Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

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If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

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Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

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If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

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Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

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Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

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If Wiley E. Coyote h ad enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

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If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

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If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

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Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

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Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

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Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?

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Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?

[cracker39]

One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in his shiny limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate the situation. He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied."We HAVE TO eat grass."

Immediately the lawyer said, "Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you!"

"But sir. I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he said, "You come with us,too."

The second man said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all!" the lawyer answered.

They all jammed into the huge limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you"

Genuinely touched, the lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; the grass is almost a foot high!"

[cracker39]

Boudreaux and Thibideau are out fishing and sipping beer.

All of a sudden,Thibideaux turns to Boudreaux and says,

"I tink I'm gonna divorce my wife. She isn't spoken to me in over 6 months."

Boudreaux sips his beer and replies, "You bedder tink dat over boy.

Women like dat are hard to find."

[cracker39]

You might like this. The original had the old guy driving a motor home...well, we can'g have that, so I fixed him up with a pickup and a TD.

[PaulC]

Hi Dale, What's frightening about that is it looks like I only have two to go!

Cheers
Paul

[cracker39]

ME TOO.

[Sonetpro]

Think You're having a Bad day ?

[Ira]

Do you know the difference between guts and balls?

GUTS:

You get home from a night of heavy drinking with the boys, and your wife is there to greet you holding a broom that she's about to whack you with. You look at her and the broom and calmly respond:

"Are you finally cleaning this place? Or are you gonna hop on that thing for a ride?"

BALLS:

You get home from a night of heavy drinking with the boys, smelling from perfume, and you have lipstick stains on your collar. Your wife greets you with broom in hand, ready to bash you, and you simply smile, give her a lustful look, smack her on the ass, and say:

"NEXT!"

[Rob]

Ryan went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Alberta.

After spending a great evening chatting the night away, Ryan's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, Ryan noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, "Are these plates clean?"

His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get them. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!"

For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, Ryan was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, "Are you sure these plates are clean?"

Without looking up the old man said, "I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!"

Later that afternoon, Ryan was on his way to a nearby town and as the was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass. Ryan yelled and said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car".

Without diverting his attention from his tinkering, the old man shouted...
"COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN!!!!"