Humor of the Day

[Juneaudave]

Say Bledsoe3...my friend sent me one of your pics too!!

[Jiminsav]

A friend sent a bunch of these...we should never forget how it was....

Dean..at 13

Which one is dean?

he's the left boob.

[Juneaudave]

Jim...funny thing about this thread...my friend sent me a pic of you in your youth too!!! Them Georgia bullfrogs are the best (if your 8 years old)!!!!





But they are an acquired taste!!!

[madjack]

hey Dave your chiropractors nurse sent me this one of your last "adjustment"...


but at least you did get over your "artsy" phase...



but it is a wonder you ever got outta that "special" daycare center in one piece....


...just remember no good deed goes unpunished............

[bledsoe3]

Say Bledsoe3...my friend sent me one of your pics too!!

How did you know I was doing my electrical today?

[cracker39]

Pack of Dogs Kill Gator in Florida

An Awesome Display of Cunning Pack Mentality!

At times nature can be cruel, but there is also a raw beauty, and even a certain justice, manifested within that cruelty.

The Alligator, one of the oldest and ultimate predators, normally considered the "apex predator" in it's natural eco-system, can still
fall victim to implemented 'team work' strategy, made possible due to the tight-knit social structure and "survival of the fittest pack
mentality".

See the attached remarkable photograph.

Not for the squeamish! Be sure you can handle the graphic nature of this photo before scrolling down!!!

We strongly recommend that you preview this privately, before determining if a younger audience should view the carnage below.
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Note that the Alpha Dog has a muzzle hold on the gator, preventing it from breathing, while the remainder of the pack prevents the beast from rolling, and injuring them with it's mighty tail.



A creditable but unnamed source revealed to me that these animals were raised by Seminoles. OhhhhhhhhhooooooOhhhhhhhhhhoooooo......
GO NOLES!!!! )

[cracker39]

Finally...the government is trying to save the tax-payers' money.

In keeping with the latest round of military budget cuts and
other funding shortfalls affecting the Department of
Defense, changes will be made to the Joint Federal Travel
Regulations (JFTR) as affects Temporary Duty (TDY) assignments:

Lodging:

All military and civilian personnel performing temporary
duty (TDY) are encouraged to stay with relatives and friends
while on government business travel. If weather permits,
public areas such as parks should be used as temporary
lodging sites. Bus terminals, train stations, and office
lobbies may provide shelter in periods of inclement weather.
Employees are encouraged to stop by local commissaries and
post/base exchanges to pick up cardboard boxes, which will
allow them flexibility in lodging accommodations.

Meals:

Expenditures for meals will be limited to an absolute
minimum. It should be noted that certain grocery and
specialty chains, such as Costco, Hickory Farms, General
Nutrition Centers, and occasionally Safeway often provide
free samples of promotional items. Entire meals can be
obtained in this manner. Travelers should also be familiar
with indigenous roots, berries, and other protein sources
available at their destinations. If restaurants must be
utilized, travelers should use "all you can eat" salad bars.
This is especially effective for employees traveling
together, as one plate can be used to feed the entire group.
Military personnel are also encouraged to bring their own
food on business travel. Cans of tuna fish, Spam, and
Beefaroni can be consumed at your leisure without the
necessary bother of heating or costly preparation. Cost of
these items will not be reimbursed.

Transportation:

Hitchhiking is the preferred mode of travel in lieu of
commercial transport. Luminescent safety vests will be
issued to all military personnel prior to their departure on
TDY. Bus transportation will be used only when work
schedules require such travel. Airline tickets will be
authorized in extreme circumstances, and the lowest fares
will be used. For example, if a meeting is scheduled in
Washington, D.C., but a lower fare can be obtained by
traveling to Omaha, NE, then travel to Omaha will be
substituted for travel to Washington, D.C.

Miscellaneous:

All military and civilian personnel are encouraged to devise
innovative techniques in an effort to save tax dollars.
Money could be raised during airport layover periods, which
could be used to defray travel expenses. Red caps will be
issued to all personnel prior to their departure so that
they may earn tips by helping others with their luggage.
Small plastic roses and ballpoint pens will also be
available to personnel so that sales may be made as time
permits. Proceeds must be turned into the military finance
section at the conclusion of the TDY.

[kirtsjc]

A friend sent a bunch of these...we should never forget how it was....

Dean..at 13

Dean (Which ever one it is we are talking about (not that Dean, that Dean Dean)) obviously never made it past the letter "B" when he was learning his alphabet... Beer & Breasts...

[Rob]

A grandmother was pushing her little grandchild around Wal-Mart in a buggy. Each time she put something in the basket she would say, "And here's something for you, Diploma." or "This will make a cute little outfit for you, Diploma." and so on.

Eventually a bewildered shopper who'd heard all this finally asked, "Why do you keep calling your grandchild Diploma?"

The grandmother replied, "I sent my daughter to Virginia Tech and this is what she came home with!"

[toypusher]

[PaulC]

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A teenager sat down next to him.
He had spiked hair that was red, orange, yellow, green, blue and violet.
The old man stared. Whenever the teen looked at the old man, he was staring at him.
Finally, the teenager said sarcastically: "What's the matter old man .. never done anything wild in your life?"
Without missing a beat the old man replied:" Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. Just wondering if you were my son."

[Nitetimes]

Children's Marriage Advice

----------------------------------------------------------------------

----- HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
( 1 ) You got to find somebody who likes the same
stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it
that you like sports, and she should keep the chips
and dip coming.-- Alan, age 10

( 2 ) No person really decides before they grow up who
they're going to marry. God decides it all way before,
and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kirsten, age 10


WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
( 1 ) Twenty-three is the best age because you know
the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10

( 2 ) No age is good to get married at. You got to be
a fool to get married.
-- Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)


HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
( 1 ) You might have to guess, based on whether they
seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8


WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
( 1 ) Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8


WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE
( 1 ) Dates are for having fun, and people should use
them to get to know each other. Even boys have
something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

( 2 ) On the first date, they just tell each other
lies and that usually gets them interested enough to
go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10 (wise beyond his years)


WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING
SOUR?
( 1 ) I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would
call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about
me in all the dead columns.
-- Craig, age 9


WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
( 1 ) When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7

( 2 ) The law says you have to be eighteen, so I
wouldn't want to mess with that.
-- Curt, age 7

( 3 ) The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone,
then you should marry them and have kids with them.
It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8 (this one has very good morals!)


IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
( 1 ) I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you
one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I
don't want to be all grossed out.
-- Theodore, age 8

( 2 ) It's better for girls to be single but not for
boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)


HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET
MARRIED?
( 1 ) There sure would be a lot of kids to explain,
wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8


And the #1 Favourite is........

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
( 1 ) Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if
she looks like a truck.
-- Ricky, age 10

[Nitetimes]

The Lone Ranger & Tonto

----------------------------------------------------------------------

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the
desert. After they got
their tent all set up, both men fell sound
asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger
and says, "Kemo Sabe, look
towards sky, what you see?"

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of
stars."

"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then
says,
"Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of
galaxies.
Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the
morning.
Theologically, the Lord is all powerful and we are small and
insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

What's it tell you, Tonto?"



"You dumber than buffalo . Someone stole tent"

[Nitetimes]

THREE LITTLE WORDS

What 3 words would women hate the most during GOOD sex?

















"Honey, I'm Home"

[halfdome, Danny]

Unanswered Questions

1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those
little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing
section in a swimming pool? (My sentiments exactly)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

3. OK.... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and
the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what
does that make the Tennessee Titans?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one
enjoys it?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

5. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland
called Holes?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

6. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

7. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~! *~*~*~*

8. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale
bread to begin with?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

9. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person
who drives a race car is not called a racist?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
10. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

11 If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow
that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged,
models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
12. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP ?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
13. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
14. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
15. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more
as they get older; then it dawned on me .....they're cramming for their final exam.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
16. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons
and forks. So I wondered what do Chinese mothers use, toothpicks.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
17. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are
we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on
the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
18. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the
others here for?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
19. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
20. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
21. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
22. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

With regard to income tax, did you ever notice that when you put the
two words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "THEIRS"?