Humor of the Day

[halfdome, Danny]

A PERFECT DIET!



Pedigree will work as well as Purina----------------------------------



A PERFECT DIET!

I have 2 Golden Retrievers.

I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check
out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog?

On impulse, I told her that no, and that I was starting The Purina Diet
again.

Although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last
time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care
ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it
works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply
eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete
so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by
now enthralled with my story. Horrified, she asked if ended up in intensive
care because the dog food poisoned me.


I told her no; I'd been sitting in the street licking my ba**s and a car
hit me.

[Woodbutcher]

Are you a Democrat, Republican or Southerner?
Here is a little test that will help you decide.
The answer can be found by posing the following question:







You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you. You are carrying a Glock cal 40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?


................................................................

Democrat's Answer:
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor! Or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?

What does the law say about this situation?
Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call 9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for few days and try to come to a consensus.


...............................................................

Republican's Answer:
BANG!


................................................................

Southerner's Answer: *
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click..... (Sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click
Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?
Son: Can I shoot the next one!
Wife: You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist!

[Gage]

A Kentucky couple, both bonified rednecks, had 9 children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband "fixed". The doctor gladly started the required procedure and asked them what finally made them make the decision -- why after nine children, would they choose to do this.

The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in the United States was Mexican, and they didn't want to take a chance on having a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish.

Have a good day.

[Nitetimes]

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die. This is so
easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today.

A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for
February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card,
and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance
had been $0.00, now is somewhere around $60.00. A family member
placed a call to Citibank:

Family Member: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."

Bank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and
charges still apply."

Family Member: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."

Bank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."

Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"

Bank: "Either report her account to the frauds division or
report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!"

Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"

Bank: "Excuse me?"

Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you - the
part about her being dead?"

Bank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor."

Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."

Bank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and
charges still apply."

Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"

Bank: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"

Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given)

Bank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"

Family Member: "Sure." (fax number is given)

After they get the fax:

Bank: "Our system just isn't set-up for death. I don't know
what more I can do to help."

Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you
could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care."

Bank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."

Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"

Bank: "That might help."

Family Member: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot
Number 69."

Bank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"

Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your
planet?"

[asianflava]

It is a bit of an exaggeration but there is some truth to it. When my mother-in-law passed away we called to get accounts cancelled, all went fine except for Austin Energy (electric, gas, garbage). They wanted all the info faxed over just to get the account closed. I didn't have a fax machine at the time so I forgot about it. They kept sending bills to the point where I just refused to do anything about it, What were they going to do, cut off the power for no payment? The apt had been vacated 3 months ago.

In the end, I got a check from them and they closed the account themselves.

[BILLYL]

There is truth in that. Had the same issue but with DMV in PA for my Mom's car. Faxes - personal appearnces, etc was real hard to convience them that she passed on and didn't need her car anymore.............

[halfdome, Danny]

Elephant's Memory

In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from
college. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull
elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.

The elephant seemed distressed so Mbembe approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot, and found a
large thorn deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the thorn out
with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its
foot. The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather stern look
on its face, stared at him. For several tense moments Mbembe stood
frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the
elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away.

Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day. Twenty
years later he was walking through a zoo with his teenaged son. As they
approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and
walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing. The
large bull elephant stared at Mbembe and lifted its front foot off the
ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then
trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if
this was the same elephant. Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed
over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right
up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. Suddenly the elephant
trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of the man's legs and
swung him wildly back and forth along the railing, killing him.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.
Danny

[madjack]

...and to finish Danny's story, I keep getting emails from Mkele's widow and son trying to get his stolen 20milUSD outta the country...if I would only send their lawyer a bank account #...
madjack

[Kurt (Indiana)]

A dog lover had two beautiful Dalmations. Both dogs grew up together and shared the love of the family and especially the man of the house. Over the years they had several litters of puppies that were sold or given to friends so that they could share the lives of the beautiful dogs.

One day, while walking the dogs, the man decided to let them run a little and unhooked their leashes. The dogs, who did everything together, ran out in the street and were both killed by a speeding car. The man was shocked and heartbroken. He called his wife and she came with the SUV to pick up the dead dogs and the grieving man.

Later the man, who was out of his mind over the incident, made a decision to call a taxidermist. Since he loved these two life long friends he wanted them to be around forever.

As he discussed, with tears in his eyes, the details, the taxidermist commented on the tragedy and told the man that he understood the pain. After all they were always together in life and had produced so many memorable moments, not to mention the offspring. The taxidermist also the said he understood the reason he wanted the dogs mounted.

The startled dog owner looked up and said, "Oh God no, I don't want them mounted, I just want them holding paws"

[TomS]

...and to finish Danny's story, I keep getting emails from Mkele's widow and son trying to get his stolen 20milUSD outta the country...if I would only send their lawyer a bank account #...
madjack

You are just too friggin funny!

[cracker39]

And I thought I was the only one with that great deal!!!

Now, this is funny...http://tinyurl.com/jnycu Turn up the volume.

[Nitetimes]

Now, this is funny...http://tinyurl.com/jnycu Turn up the volume.

That is truly funny.

[mincey]

An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his life in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong. "Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr.

Goldstein, "My Private Part died today, and I am very sad."

Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Goldstein, please accept my condolences."

The following day, Mr. Goldstein was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy. "Mr. Goldstein," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that! Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas."

"But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Goldstein, " I told you yesterday that my Private Part died."

"Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?"

"Well," he replied, "Today's the viewing."

[mincey]

When Girls Drink Too Much

1. We have absolutely no idea where our purse is.

2. We believe that dancing with our arms overhead and wiggling our butt while yelling "woo-hoo!" is truly the sexiest dance move around.

3. We've suddenly decided that we want to kick someone's ass and honestly believe we could do it too.

4. In our last trip to pee, we realize that we now look more like a homeless hooker than the goddess we were just four hours ago.

5. We start crying and telling everyone we see that we love them sooooo much.

6. We get extremely excited and jump up and down every time a new song play's because "oh my god! I love this song!"

7. We've found a deeper/spiritual side to the geek sitting next to us.

8. We've suddenly taken up smoking and become really good at it.

9. We yell at the bartender, who we believe cheated us by giving us just lemonade, but that's just because we can no longer taste the gin.

10. We think we are in bed, but our pillow feels strangely like the kitchen floor (or the mop?)

11. We fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when we sit on it.

12. We take our shoes off because we believe it's their fault that we're having problems walking straight.

[Nitetimes]

Protect your monitior, put down your drink before you read this!!!!!



A little boy blows up his balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something. The boy continues. "Johnny!" Mom screams. "Knock it off. You're going to break something." He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the shopping center.
Johnny starts up with the balloon again. He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet. Mom comes in and while putting away the groceries gets the urge. A diarrhea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes. When she's finished she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing. She's not sure what this big brown
thing is in the toilet! She calls her doctor. The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything.
When he arrives she leads him to the bathroom and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing.
Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP! The balloon explodes and poop is everywhere.
On him, the walls, etc. "Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?" she asks.
He says, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I've ever actually seen a fart !"