Humor of the Day

Things that don't fit anywhere else...

Postby Ira » Wed Aug 30, 2006 11:35 am

HAH!!!!!!!!!!!
Here we go again!
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Heaven or He!!

Postby Kurt (Indiana) » Thu Aug 31, 2006 11:52 am

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the man.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up.

What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds Himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes.

They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit heaven."

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and
St. Peter returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. "I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning......

Today you voted.
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Stuttering Kitty

Postby Dave Bob » Fri Sep 01, 2006 9:58 pm

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.
A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered.
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler who lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!
That must've been scary", said the teacher.

"It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... And before he could say "Fudge," the Rottweiler ate him!"
Never say "What else could go wrong?"
Because it usually will.
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Postby cracker39 » Sun Sep 03, 2006 6:56 am

One day, I came home and was greeted by my wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So I tied her up and went fishing.
Dale

Sometimes I pretend to be normal. But, that gets boring...so I go back to being me.

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Postby cracker39 » Tue Sep 05, 2006 9:39 am

Humorous? MAYBE

Darned Clever? YOU BET!!!

http://bree25.buzznet.com/video/popup/39016/
Dale

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Postby madjack » Tue Sep 05, 2006 10:11 am

pretty darn cool Dale :thumbsup: ......................................................... 8)
...I have come to believe that, conflict resolution, through violence, is never acceptable.....................mj
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Postby Joseph » Tue Sep 05, 2006 11:09 am

cracker39 wrote:Humorous? MAYBE
Darned Clever? YOU BET!!!

To those responsible for this clever bit of choreography:
Guys! The sixties are OVER!! Please update your wardrobes! :?

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Postby halfdome, Danny » Tue Sep 05, 2006 11:54 am

This show was good! My mother used to watch it - and some of the things they said were pretty "risque"!!!! It is a repeat, but once again, worth the repeat. Unfortunately, a few of these people arent even around anymore!!!









If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this may bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from the days when "Hollywood Squares" game show responses were spontaneous and clever not scripted and (often) dull, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.



Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.


Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.


Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.


Q. You've been having trouble goi ng to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.


Q. According to Cosmopolitain, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?

A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.


Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.


Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.


Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.


Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you' ll never forget.


Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.


Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charle y Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.


Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.


Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?

A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.


Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.


Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.


Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a go ose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?


Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.


Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.


Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. P aul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.


Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?

A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.


Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?


Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.


Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.


Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.
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Postby Joseph » Tue Sep 05, 2006 12:25 pm

halfdome, Danny wrote:If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this may bring a tear to your eyes.

As many times as I've seen this, it still makes me laugh out loud! :thumbsup:

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Postby halfdome, Danny » Tue Sep 05, 2006 3:27 pm

Here's one you may not have seen. I was at six Robblees today and in the mens room was this sign.

Persons with shorter bats please step closer to the plate. :lol:


Danny
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Postby asianflava » Tue Sep 05, 2006 4:26 pm

Here's one that is in the men's room of a sub shop I used to go to in FL.

"Our aim is to please, Your aim is appreciated."
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Postby Joseph » Tue Sep 05, 2006 4:56 pm

asianflava wrote:"Our aim is to please, Your aim is appreciated."

A variation on the same theme:
We aim to please. You aim too, please.

Joseph
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Postby stjohn » Tue Sep 05, 2006 5:21 pm

Why did the chicken cross the basketball court ???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
he heard the ref was blowing fowls :lol: :lol: :lol:


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Postby Kurt (Indiana) » Tue Sep 05, 2006 8:00 pm

Doc says , "I have good news and bad news.
Patient says, "give the good news".
Doc, "you have only 24 hours to live".
Patient, "That's the good news; what's the bad news.
Doc, "I was supposed to call you yesterday" :oops:
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Postby alaska teardrop » Tue Sep 05, 2006 8:13 pm

    Seen in the men's room of the Golden Eagle Saloon in the gold mining village of Ester, Alaska.
    'EARTH FIRST' - We'll mine the other planets later.
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