Think before you speak, because....

[Mary K]

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back... or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....

FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in towand asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"
I turned around and walked back out and never went back husband didn't say a word...he knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, Ithink I like playing with men's balls."

THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. to this day, my sister as never let me forget.

FOURTH TESTIMONY:
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity andwalked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. the last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.

FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch
in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean. The realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No". I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any! We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

Mk

[forestfrog]

Those are priceless, LOL!

[rainjer]

My six year old today:

"Would you like to hold my wiener?" He was talking about his Oscar Myyer Wienermobile Hotwheel.

"Now we need to stop at the beer factory." I almost drove off the road on that one. It took us a few minutes to figure it out. We went school cloth shopping. He got some Wrangler Jeans and a couple of new shirts. Dale Earnhart Jr is wrangler's spokesman. He drive the Budweiser car. He wears a shirt like the one we bought him in one of the commercials.

Wrangler Jeans + Shirt + Budwieser = "beer factory" in his mind.

[Jst83]

Oh what I have to look forward to. I have 2 1/2 year old twins. They are mocking birds. If I let a word slip it's instantly repeated 10 or 20 times. Tonights word Damit. It's hard to not laugh when you hear a 2 year old say that

[Gage]

Oh what I have to look forward to. I have 2 1/2 year old twins. They are mocking birds. If I let a word slip it's instantly repeated 10 or 20 times. Tonights word Damit. It's hard to not laugh when you hear a 2 year old say that

I love it that parents cuss around their kids and then wonder where they got their dirty mouth from or isn't that cute, he said damn. Must have been something they heard at school. Dumb.

Have a good day.

[Ira]

I haven't said one word in my life that I regret.

I regret spending time talking to certain PEOPLE, but as far as my words, no.

[Joseph]

Not sure about the others, but the last one is just an old jokethat made it to the Internet to be passed off as true. Still, pretty funny!

Joseph

[TomS]

My youngest, Craig, is quite the comedian. Growing up, he was always telling jokes and doing impersonations.

One time we were at my parents for Easter dinner. Just after everyone sat down, Craig stood up, picked up a pair of spoons, placed one over each eye and announced, "I come from Uranus". My mom and I doubled over in laughter. Meanwhile, my Dad and Wendy (my wife) looked at both of us in disgust.

And that's the way, it was. Craig would tell some extemely funny, but, inappropriate joke. I'd struggle to keep from bursting out in laughter while sternly correcting him. Later, I'd catch Hell for "encouraging" his behavior.

[Ira]

"I come from Uranus"

Tom, for the last 2 or 3 years, they've basically changed the pronunciation of that planet--based on how the newspeople and others have been saying it.

Damn bastards won't let us have ANY fun.

[TomS]

"I come from Uranus"

Tom, for the last 2 or 3 years, they've basically changed the pronunciation of that planet--based on how the newspeople and others have been saying it.

Damn bastards won't let us have ANY fun.

Waddya mean I can't have fun with Uranus?!!!

[Ira]

HAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Miriam C.]

Thanks all! I needed that.

[The Teardrop Nanny]

Mary,

Thanks for a belly full of laughs. As an educator I get some good quips from kids too. Kind of like the Art Linkletter show I used to watch years ago. You made me .

TDN

[Mook]

Hey,

Speaking of that. You do realize that since Pluto is no longer a planet, all of the Plutonians have shown up on ........Uranus!!!!!!

Muha...ha...ha...ha... muha...ha...ha...ha....

URANUS....... Now that's funny.

I come from Uranus! HA...ha...ha...ha.....

[Bigwoods]

I have been working around eyeglasses all my life. You would be surprised how many ladies come and and say they need a screw. Some even blush. Only the little old ladies continue and tell ne "they just can't get along with out it."