Humor of the Day

[stjohn]

Thought some of you might enjoy this pic if its been shown before I'm sorry but it's still funny

[RKH]

A man was walking home alone late one foggy night, when behind him he hears:


BUMP...


BUMP...


BUMP...


Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.


BUMP...


BUMP...


BUMP...


Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him


FASTER...




FASTER...




BUMP...




BUMP...




BUMP...


He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.


The casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping


clappity-BUMP...


clappity-BUMP...


clappity-BUMP...


On his heels, the terrified man turns and runs.


Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.


With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.


Bumping and clapping toward him.


The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!


Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...












and,












The coffin stops!


( Oh shut up...I thought it was funny.)

[edevans]

Keith, Laughed so hard I started coffin and can't stop Ed

[Ira]

Breaking news...
A British company is developing small computer chips that can store
music in women's breasts.

This is considered a major breakthrough since women complain about
men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

THIS IS THE BEST!!!

[cracker39]

A woman stopped by unannounced at her son's house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.

She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law laying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for John to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"John loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."

The mother-in-law left.

When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?

[mikeschn]

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a
particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a
couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I
give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to
spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Well, will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of
food?" the man asked.

"Dang, are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf
in 20 years!"

"Come on, now will you spend the money on a woman in the red light
district instead of food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless
man.

"Okay, I know, best yet. . . . . Well," said the man, "I'm not going
to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific
dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Look Fella, I don't think so, won't your
wife be furious with you for doing that? I know that I'm dirty, and I probably smell most disgusting to her & the young ones."

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her & them dang kids to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."

[Dave Bob]

Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began?

Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland.

Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He
went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night.

The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.

As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, "Who is
that man going into the barn?"

"That fellow is traveling through," said the farmer. "needs a place to
stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn."

The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared him a
plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn.
about an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing disheveled
and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.

The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that
perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to
the barn, and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her
blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.

The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and
continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.

When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she
broke into tears. "How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she
cried. "We made such passionate love last night!"

"What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house
looking for
the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.

The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex
with my daughter!"

The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand
next to his mouth, and yelled out.....

"LAIDTHEOLAIDEETOO!"

[Nytewyng]

The woman comes home all excited , says to her couch potatoe husband...."honey pack your bags I won the lottery" He jumps up "that's great where are we going?" She says "No,... pack YOUR bags I won the lottery!"

[PaulC]

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started!



During a visit to the Mental Asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criteria was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalised.



"Well," said the Director, "We fill up a bathtub, then offer a teaspoon, a tea cup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub".



"Oh! I understand", said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or tea cup".



"No", said the Director……….











…..scroll down…..












"A normal person would pull the plug out. Do you want a bed near the window?"

[RKH]

The insurance firm put a sign in the window saying

"HELP WANTED.

You must be a good typist and have good computer skills. Successful applicant must be bilingual.

We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."
A short time later a lovely golden retriever dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it,whined and pawed the air.

The receptionist called the office manager. He was surprised to say the least to see a canine applicant. However, the dog looked determined so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on a chair and stared at the manager expectantly.

The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you must be able to type."

The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to quickly type a perfec t business letter. He took out the page with his mouth and trotted over to the manager, gave it to him, then jumped back up on the chair wagging his tail.

The manager was stunned, but told the dog, "That was fantastic, but I'm sorry. The sign clearly says that whomever I hire must have computer skills."

The dog jumped down again, went to the computer and proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs. He produced a sample Excel spreadsheet, a sample Power Point presentation,retouched a picture with Photo shop, and then printed all of them for
the manager.

The manager was dumbfounded. He said to the dog, "Listen, I realize that you are a very intelligent applicant and have fantastic talent,but you're a dog! There's no way I can hire you!"

The dog jumped down and went to the sign in the window and pointed his paw at the words, "Equal Opportunity Employer."

The exasperated manager said, "Yes, I know what the sign says. Bu t the sign also says you have to be bilingual."


The dog looked him straight in the eye

............................................AND SAID:





"Meow."

[halfdome, Danny]

THEY WONDERED WHY THEIR WATER BILL WAS SO HIGH...

[halfdome, Danny]

Husband: Oh, come on.
Wife: Leave me alone!
Husband: It won't take long.
Wife: I won't be able to sleep afterwards.
Husband: I can't sleep without it.
Wife: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night?
Husband: Because I'm Hot.
Wife: You get hot at the darnedest times.
Husband: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.
Wife: If you love me you'd be more considerate.
Husband: You don't love me anymore.
Wife: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.
Husband: Please...come on
Wife: Alright, I'll do it.
Husband: What's the matter? Need a flashlight?
Wife: I can't find it.
Husband: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it!
Wife: There! Are you satisfied?
Husband: Oh, yes.
Wife: Is it up far enough?
Husband: Oh, that's good.
Wife: Now go to sleep, and from now on when you want the window open,
do it yourself.

[cracker39]

It had been a horrible week for Henry. An entomologist
(insect scientist) at the local university, he was up for a
promotion this year. With the promotion would come
tenure. But there was a problem. It was not that he
couldn't teach. His Biology 210 classes were always
packed, and two years ago he was honored by the
undergraduates by being named their favorite teacher.

No, his problem was with his research. He hadn't had a
successful research project in several years. The last paper
that he'd published was three years ago. In an age of
"Publish or Perish," this was not a good situation,
particularly for a non-tenured professor.

The week started with a shock. He received notice that his
research grants would not be renewed for the coming year.
And, if that was not enough, the dean called him into his
office to tell him his contract would not be renewed unless
he had a paper accepted for publication by a major
entomology journal before the end of the school year.

Depressed, he left the University as soon as his morning
lecture was over so that he could work in his garden. In the
past, this had always had been effective in relieving
tension. But to his chagrin, he found most of his roses were
dying. On closer examination found they were infested with a
parasite.

But what were these insects? They appeared to belong to the
order Anapleura. That was strange. Anapleura infected
mammals, not plants.

He examined them more closely. Small. Wingless. Definitely a
species of Pediculosis, but one he had never seen before.

He gathered up several specimens and rushed to his lab, full
of new vigor. He examined the insects in detail and rapidly
wrote an article describing this new species of insect.

Well, I'm sure you know the result. The article was
immediately accepted by the American Journal of Entomology.
His job was saved and he received his most coveted tenure.
And, he received a new major grant to study this new
species.

You could say he had discovered a new lice on leaf.


HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY!!

[halfdome, Danny]

There was this man who lost one of his arms in an
accident. He became very
depressed because he had loved to play guitar and a
lot of things that took two arms.

One day he could not stand it anymore. He decided
to commit suicide.

He got on an elevator and went to the top of a tall
building to jump off.
He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw
this man on the sidewalk
below skipping along and whistling and kicking up
his heels.

He looked closer and noticed this man didn't have
any arms at all.

He started thinking, what am I doing up here
feeling sorry for myself, I
still have one good arm to do things with. There
goes a man with no arms
skipping down the sidewalk happy and going on with
his life.

He hurried down and caught the man with no arms.
He told him how glad he
was to see him because he had lost one of his arms
and felt ugly and useless
and was going to kill himself. He thanked him
again for saving his life and
he now knew he could make it with one arm if that
guy could do it with no arms.

The man with no arms began dancing and whistling
and kicking up his heels again.

He asked "Why are you so happy anyway ?"

He said " I'm NOT happy, my ass itches."

[RKH]

Bubba, a furniture dealer from Arkansas, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.

After arriving in Paris he met with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home in Arkansas.

To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine. As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.

Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which he did not understand), and motioned toward the chair. He invited her to sit down.

He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language so, after a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her.

She nodded, and he ordered a glass of wine for her.

After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.

Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.

To this day, Bubba has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.

Any resemblance to actual pesons living or dead would make this even funnier.