Humor of the Day

[stjohn]

A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address!
>
>
>A Michigan couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a
>particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where
>they spent their honeymoon 35 years earlier. Because of hectic
>schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules, so the
>husband left Michigan and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife
>flying down the following day.
>
>
>The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so
>he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left
>out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error,
>sent the email.
>
>
>Meanwhile, somewhere in Texas, a widow had just returned home from her
>husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called ho me to glory
>following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting
>messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message,
>she screamed and fainted.
>
>
>The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and
>saw the computer screen which read:
>
>
>To: My Loving Wife
>
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>Subject: I've Arrived.
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>Date: October 16, 2004
>
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>I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here
>
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>now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just
>arrived
>
>
>and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for
>
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>your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your
>
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>journey is as uneventful as mine was.
>
>
>P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here

[halfdome, Danny]

ATM PROCEDURE: MALE vs FEMALE
A sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through teller machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when gaining access their accounts.
After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender."

MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
***********************************************************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary where your PIN is written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

[RKH]

Bubba, a furniture dealer from Arkansas, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.

Yeah and I don't think Bubba went to France either!

He did, too! I read it on the Internet. It just HAS to be true.

[Kevin A]

Dear Husband:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good.
I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to
show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to
tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.
Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair
and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new
negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to
sleep after watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore,
you don't touch me or anything. Either you're cheating or you don't
love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.

P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are
moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
Your Ex-wife

Dear Ex-wife:

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that
you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a
far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown
out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when
you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind
was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say anything
if you can't say anything nice. When you cooked my favorite meal, you must
have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork
seven years ago. I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee
because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence
that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and
your negligee was $49.99. After all of this, I still loved you and felt
that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto
for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to
Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a
reason I guess. I hope you have the filling life you always wanted. My
lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me.
So take care.

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born
Carla. I hope that's not a problem.


Signed,
Rich As Hell and Free!

[Gaston]

while not humor I think some may find this of interest

The Mayonnaise Jar and 2 Cups of Coffee:

When things in your lives seem almost too much to handle, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 Cups of coffee.

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in
front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large
and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then
asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

He then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

Next he picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous "yes.

The professor then produced two cups of coffee, and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand.

"Now," said the professor, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things--your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions---and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car.

The sand is everything else---the small stuff."If you put the Sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

"Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your spouse out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal, earn a living.

Take care of the golf balls first---the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

One students raised her hand and asked “what about the coffee?”.
"I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend."

[cracker39]

If you're a Ray Stevens fan, you'll enjoy this. It's one of his biggest hits and one of the funniest of his songs. If you're not familiar with Ray's recordings, and like funny stuff, Give this a listen. Now, it's time for the story of the Mississippi Squirrel...

http://mywebpages.comcast.net/singingman7777/MSR2.htm

[cracker39]

I received this as a recording in an email, but couldn't find it on a web site, but did find this text version. Now, I don't care who ya are...this here's funny right now.

Hello, you have reached your Police Department voice mail.

- To whine about us not doing anything to solve a problem you created for yourself, press 1.

- To inquire whether someone has to die before we?ll do something about a problem, press 2.

- To report an officer for bad manners when in reality the officer is trying to keep your neighborhood safe, press 3.

- If you would like us to raise your children, press 4.

- If you would like us to take control of your life due to your alcoholic or chemical dependency, press 5.

- If you would like us to instantly restore order to a situation that took years to deteriorate, press 6.

- To tell us that you know the Chief of Police and or some other very important person and that we should respond to your problem immediately, press 7.

- To sue us, tell us you?ll have our badge, that you pay our salary, or proclaim that our career is over, press 8.

- To complain about a ticket and/or complain about the many other uses for police rather than keeping your dumb a$$ in line, press 9

Please note that this call may be monitored to ensure proper customer support, and remember, we're here to save your butts, not kiss them.

Thanks for calling your local police department and have a nice day.

[Kevin A]

Stress relief
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YdIOoIke4Wk

[Kurt (Indiana)]

Al Gore is right, there is evidence of Global Warming all around us!! Yikes

[Kurt (Indiana)]

"W" has the answer to the "Bird Flu".
Bomb the "Canary Islands"

[cracker39]

Child to Grandmother: Granny, do all fairy tales start with "Once upon a time"?

Grandmother to child: Why no child. Many start with "If elected, I promise..."

[halfdome, Danny]

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant opened by a fellow cannibal.

Feeling hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu...

Broiled Missionary: $10.00

Fried Explorer: $15.00

Baked Politician: $100.00.

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked,
"Why such a price difference for the politician?"
The cook replied: "Have you ever tried to clean one?"

[Paw_Paw_Drew]

Ed came home to find his wife dressed in a sexy negligee, a nice dinner and gift for him to celebrate their anniversary.

Finding out Ed had forgotten it his wife went into a rage and started scolding him to no end. Finally just before bed she pointed out the window at the driveway and said tomorrow there had better be something there for me that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less.

The next morning Ed left for work early and when his wife woke up she looked out the window. Sure enough there was a package sitting in the driveway but not as big as she expected.

Going out to the package she opened it up to find a brand new digital scale.

They are holding services for Ed this friday at 10:00.

[mincey]

Smart (?) Blonde

The girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"

"Very good," said her mother

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?" "Yes, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school.? "Mommy, Mommy," She yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.

"Very good," said her embarrassed Mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"?

After some hesitation the mother replied, "No Honey, it's because you're 24."

[mincey]

Blonde's Year in Review

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels..... Helllloooo!!!.....bottles won't fit in printer !!!

March - Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months..... box said "2-4 years!"

April - Trapped on escalator for hours .... power went out!!!

May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August - Got locked out of my car in rain storm..... car swamped because soft-top was open.

September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???

October - Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days .. instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!

December - Couldn't call 911 .... "duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!!!