Humor of the Day

[halfdome, Danny]

Yes, the new one is out! Brand new edition of.. "You know you're a redneck when......

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.

3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.

5. You think "The Nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive.

6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.

7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.

8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.

10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.

13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.

14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.

16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

17. You have a rag for a gas cap.

18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.

19. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-room's so clean.

20. You can spit without opening your mouth.

21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.

22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.

24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.

25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.

26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.

27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.

28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.

29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.

30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.

[PaulC]

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.

He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. Lo and behold, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomania Convention in Chicago".

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman
he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really," he said, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent. We have, however, found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern redneck."

Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein. But my friends call me Bubba."

[halfdome, Danny]

Granny Farts

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. My farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent."

The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week." The next week the lady comes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the heck you gave me, but now my farts...although still silent...stink terribly."

The doctor says,

"Good!!! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

[Joseph]

Bubba put his granny in a home.

She didn't do much but sit around, but occasionally she'd start leaning over to the left and the nurse would quickly come over and set her back upright. Then she'd start leaning over to the right and once again the nurse came over and set her back upright again.

When Bubba came to visit, he asked Granny how she liked the place.

"It ain't too bad ceptin' they won't let me fart."

[halfdome, Danny]

That will be my story. Danny

[rbeemer]

Beer Contains Female Hormones!!!

This is serious stuff...Beer contains female hormones!

Last month, National University of Lesotho scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.

To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:

Argued over nothing.
Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
Gained weight.
Talked excessively without making sense.
Became overly emotional.
Couldn't drive.
Failed to think rationally
Had to sit down while urinating.
No further testing was considered necessary.

[Podunkfla]

We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one:

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.

On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.

Initially, the new acquisition was no problem. Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.

"Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it."

"You know where the button is," I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. "Reset it yourself!"

"But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a second."

So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as extremely cowardly.

Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.

It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent.

The impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of "been-there, done-that" paramedics.
Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter......and not succeeding.

Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was.

"What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?"

[kirtsjc]

We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one:

"What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?"

Podunka (and other guys too), take warning!

Make sure sweetie poo kitty is securely pad-locked in it's traveling cage
BEFORE engaging in any type of private quality snugglebunnies time with the missus...

I'm not trying to top you, but!!!! but!!!!! BUT!!!!

I do not want you or any other male to go through what *I* went through when kitty thought she had some new toys to play with... at a critical, crucial point of sweaty snugglebunnies...

YEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCHHHHH!!!




(and having been a paramedic, I treated myself for: 1) skin lacerations, 2) contused shoulder when I landed on the floor, 3) lower back strain from trying to "fight or flight", and 4) contusion to my head when I hit the ceiling fan...

[Nitetimes]

A true Irish father:

An 18 year old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2
months.
Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit.

The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says "who was the pig that did this to
you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house, a mature and
distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit
steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother and the girl, and tells
them:

"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem.

I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take
charge.

I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a
townhouse, a beach front villa and a $2,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000
bank account.

If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on
the man's shoulder and tells him, "You f*** her again!"

[halfdome, Danny]

Definitions by Gender


1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.



Female..... Any part under a car's hood.



Male.... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.







2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.



Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.



Male.... Playing football without a cup.







3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.



Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.



Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.







4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.



Female... A desire to get married and raise a family.



Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.







5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.



Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.



Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.







6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.



Female... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.



Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.







7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.



Female...... The greatest _expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.



Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.







8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.



Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.



Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

[Kevin A]

NUMBER ONE IDIOT of 2006:



I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control

center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little

daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful

and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital.

She calmed down and at the end of the conversation, happened to mention that

she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants.

I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away .



Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride.

**********************************************************************

NUMBER TWO IDIOT of 2006:



Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a

life raft from one of the 747's. They were successful in getting it out of the

plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they

noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them. It turned out that

the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated

when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing.



Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet; the paint might run.

******************************************************************************

NUMBER THREE IDIOT of 2006:



A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America , walked into the branch

and wrote, "this iz a stikkup . Put all yur muny in this bag." While standing

in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone

had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the

teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to

the Wells Fargo Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note

to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors,

that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not

accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit

slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go

back to Bank of America Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK"

and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back

at Bank of America .



Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway.

********************************************************

NUMBER FOUR IDIOT of 2006:



A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured

his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail,

a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police

department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from

the police that contained another picture, this time, of handcuffs. He

immediately mailed in his $40.



Smartbutt. But you still get a sign.

*****************************************************************

NUMBER FIVE IDIOT of 2006:



A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the

cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber

saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told

the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said,

"Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk

still refused to give it to him because she didn't believe him. At this point, the

robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The

clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and she put

the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The

cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber

that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.



This guy definitely needs a sign.

***********************************************************

IDIOT NUMBER SIX of 2006:



A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers.

The first one shouted, "Nobody move !" When his partner moved, the startled

first bandit shot him.



This guy doesn't even deserve a sign.

************************************************************************

IDIOT NUMBER SEVEN of 2006:



Arkansas : Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that

he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze,

and run. So, he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the

window . The cinder block bounced back knocking him unconscious. It seems

the liquor store window was made of plexi-glass. The whole event was caught

on videotape. Yep, here's your sign.

[Podunkfla]

Rodney Dangerfield ... Now he was funny!
From Wikiquote
Rodney Dangerfield (November 22, 1921 - October 5, 2004)

American comedian and actor; born Jacob Cohen.
I don't get no respect!!!
His signature line.

Attributed Quotes:
You know my Doctor, Doctor Vinny GoomBots... I called and told him I had a bad case of diarrhea. - He put me on hold!
A girl called me the other day and said "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.
A hooker told me "Not on the first date."
Are you kiddin'? I know I'm ugly. My mother breast-fed me through a straw.
During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
I drink too much. Way too much. I gave a urine sample, there was an olive in it.
I found there was only one way to look thin. Hang out with fat people.
I have good-looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
I joined Gambler`s Anonymous. They gave me two to one I don`t make it.
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
I said to the bartender "Surprise me." He pulled out a naked picture of my wife.
I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
I told my doctor I wanted a vasectomy. He said, with a face like mine, I don't need one.
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous— everyone hasn't met me yet.
I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
I was so poor growing up, if I wasn't born a boy I'd have nothing to play with.
I was so ugly... When I was born, the doctor slapped my mother!"
I was such an ugly kid— when I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me?" He said..."I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."
I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice— I don't know if I'm coming or going.
I'm ugly I'm tellin' ya. My proctologist, he stuck his finger in my mouth.
If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.
It's been a rough day. I got up this morning, put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom...
It's not easy being me. When I was born the doctor told my mother I did all I could, but he pulled through anyway.
Last night I was making love to my wife and nothing was happening, so I said to her, What's the matter, you can't think of anybody either?
Life is just a bowl of pits.
My family was a bunch of drunks, when I was six I came up missing, they put my picture on a bottle of scotch.
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
My uncle's dying wish: he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
My wife isn't too smart. She has to reach inside her bra to count to two.
My wife is ugly. She's so ugly that when you look up ugly in the dictionary, there's her picture.
My wife was afraid of the dark. Then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.
That's the story of my life, no respect, ya know?
The other night I told my kid "Someday, you'll have children of your own. He said "So will you."
The other night I woke up and my wife was saying sexy things. I looked over and she was on the phone.
When I tried to kiss my date goodnight she pushed me away. I said Is there someone else? She said There must be.
When I was a kid, I asked my Mother for a Bubble Bath, so she brought the water to a boil!
When my wife has sex with me there's always a reason. The other night she used me to time an egg.
With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me...
With my wife, I've got no sex life. The dog keeps watching me in the bedroom so he can learn how to sit up and beg. I told him to watch my wife so he can learn how to roll over and play dead.
Yeah, I know I'm ugly. I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'
You know the best part of having kids? ...making them.
I'm so ugly - My mother had morning sickness - After I was born.
I don't play hard to get... I play hard to want!
Epitaph on his tombstone: "There goes the neighborhood."

~ Brick

THE PERFECT BREAKFAST . . .as a man sees it...
You're sitting at the table and your son is on the cover of the
box of Wheaties. Your mistress is on the cover of Playboy. And
your wife is on the back of the milk carton

[Juneaudave]

Little Davie

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Davie stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Davie?"

"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
******************************************************

Little Davie watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.

"Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.

"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.

"What's the matter?" asked Little Davie. "Giving up?"
********* *********************************************
The math teacher saw that little Davie wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Davie! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"

Little Davie quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"
******************************************************
Little Davies's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals.

One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.

"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him."

Little Davie asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"
******************************************************
Little Davie attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's
legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Davie asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"

His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy."

Davie, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."

[halfdome, Danny]

Things You Can Only Say On Thanksgiving

1. Talk about a huge breast!

2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.

3. Its Cool Whip time!

4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!

5. That's one terrific spread!

6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.

7. Are you ready for seconds yet?

8. Its a little dry, do you still want to eat it?

9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!

10. Don't play with your meat.

11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.

12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all
these people at once?

13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!

14. You still have a little bit on your chin.

15. How long will it take after you stick it in?

16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.

17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of
that!

18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen!

[kirtsjc]

[color=blue][b]Things You Can Only Say On Thanksgiving

Actually, my family was a turkey/ham family Thanksgiving, Christmas and Easter, so we could say that three times a year...