Humor of the Day

[halfdome, Danny]

Jose Cuervo Christmas Cookies:

1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
1 tsp lemon juice
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups of dried fruit
1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila
Sample the Cuervo to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Cuervo again, to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.

Turn on the electric mixer...Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar.. Beat again. At this point it's best to make sure the Cuervo is still OK, try another cup, just in case.


Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit, Pick the frigging fruit off floor...

Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry lloose with a drewscriver. Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who giveshz a sheet. Check the Jose Cuervo. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.

Greash the oven.

Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl out, finish the Jose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the dishwasher.

CHERRY MISTMAS!

[PapaJ]

[color=green]Jose Cuervo Christmas Cookies:

I'm pretty sure I've had those cookies once or twice.

[cracker39]

HOLIDAY EATING TIPS

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. it's rare. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on . Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

Remember this motto to live by:

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"

Have a great holiday season! )

[cracker39]

Definitions by Gender

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.

Female..... Any part under a car's hood.

Male.... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.



2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.

Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.

Male.... Playing football without a cup.



3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.

Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.

Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.



4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.

Female... A desire to get married and raise a family.

Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.



5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.

Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.

Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.



6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.

Female... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.

Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.



7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.

Female...... The greatest _expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.

Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.



8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.

Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.

Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channe

[bledsoe3]

Book Report

Students were assigned to read 2 books, "Titanic" & "My Life" by Bill
>Clinton.
>One student turned in the following book report, with
>The proposition that they were nearly identical stories!
>
>
>His Professor gave him an A+ for this report:
>
>
>
>
> Titanic:..... $29.99.
> Clinton:..... $29.99. >
>
>
>
>
> Titanic:..... Over 3 hours to read.
> Clinton:..... Over 3 hours to read. >
>
>
>
>
> Titanic:..... The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and
> Subsequent catastrophe.
> Clinton:..... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and
> Subsequent catastrophe. >
>
>
>
>
> Titanic:..... Jack is a starving artist.
> Clinton:. Bill is a bullshit artist. >
>
>
>
>
> Titanic:..... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
> Clinton:..... Ditto for Bill. >
>
>
>
>
> Titanic:..... During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
> Clinton:. Ditto for Monica. >
>
>
>
>
> Titanic:..... Jack teaches Rose to spit.
> Clinton:..... Let's not go there. >
>
>
>
>
> Titanic:..... Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
> Clinton:..... Monica's forced to return her gifts. >
>
>
>
>
> Titanic:..... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
> Clinton:..... Clinton doesn't remember Jack. >
>
>
>
>
> Titanic:..... Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
> Clinton:. Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either. >
>
>
>
>
> Titanic:..... Jack surrenders to an icy death.
> Clinton:..... Bill goes home to Hilary...basically the same thing.

[TomS]

Oil change instructions for Women:


1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.


2) Drink a cup of coffee.


3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.




Money spent:


Oil Change $20.00


Coffee $1.00


Total $21.00




==========================================================




Oil Change instructions for Men:





1) Drive to O'Reilly Auto Parts buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.



2) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.



3) Open a beer and drink it.



4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.



5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.



6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.



7) Place drain pan under engine.



8 ) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.



9) Give up and use crescent wrench.



10) Unscrew drain plug.



11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.




12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.



13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.


14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.




15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.



16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.



17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.



18 ) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.



19) Remember drain plug from step 11.



20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.



21) Drink beer.



22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.



23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.



24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.


25) Begin cussing fit.



26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.



27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.



28 ) Beer.



29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.



30) Beer.



31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.



32) Beer.



33) Lower car from jack stands.



34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.



35) Beer.



36) Test drive car.



37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.



38 ) Car gets impounded.



39) Call loving wife, make bail.



40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.





Money spent:


Parts $50.00


DUI $2500.00


Impound fee $75.00


Bail $1500.00


Beer $20.00


Total -- $4,145.00




But you know the job was done right!

[Joseph]

Oil Change $20.00
Coffee $1.00
Total $21.00

Are you kidding me?!! The first and last time I went to Jiffy Lube it cost me seventy bucks for an oil change!! I can go to my Ford dealer and get an oil change with Mobil One, a 100 point inspection AND a tire rotation for that kinda money!

Joseph

[Micro469]

IT'S A JOKE!!!

An old joke..... he forgot to change the prices.....

[Joseph]

IT'S A JOKE!!!
An old joke..... he forgot to change the prices.....

Sorry. It hit one of my buttons...

Joseph

[PaulC]

IT'S A JOKE!!!
An old joke..... he forgot to change the prices.....

Sorry. It hit one of my buttons...

Joseph

Forgive me if I'm wrong but is'nt this thread titled "HUMOUR OF THE DAY"

Cheers
Paul

[asianflava]

Oil Change $20.00
Coffee $1.00
Total $21.00

Are you kidding me?!! The first and last time I went to Jiffy Lube it cost me seventy bucks for an oil change!! I can go to my Ford dealer and get an oil change with Mobil One, a 100 point inspection AND a tire rotation for that kinda money!

Joseph

It's still $20 if you have a cupon. I don't go there because last time I went, it was like $35.

[Joseph]

It's still $20 if you have a cupon. I don't go there because last time I went, it was like $35.

Maybe in Texas. Not in the DC area.

Joseph

[TomS]

Oil Change $20.00
Coffee $1.00
Total $21.00

Are you kidding me?!! The first and last time I went to Jiffy Lube it cost me seventy bucks for an oil change!! I can go to my Ford dealer and get an oil change with Mobil One, a 100 point inspection AND a tire rotation for that kinda money!

Joseph

The problem with Jiffy Lube and those other quick lube places is that they all work on commission. They lure you in for the quick oil change and next thing you know the "technician" recommends that you purchase other maintenance services that you don't really need.

[Miriam C.]

Oil Change $20.00
Coffee $1.00
Total $21.00

Are you kidding me?!! The first and last time I went to Jiffy Lube it cost me seventy bucks for an oil change!! I can go to my Ford dealer and get an oil change with Mobil One, a 100 point inspection AND a tire rotation for that kinda money!

Joseph

The problem with Jiffy Lube and those other quick lube places is that they all work on commission. They lure you in for the quick oil change and next thing you know the "technician" recommends that you purchase other maintenance services that you don't really need.

The joke is it is still $20 in Joplin with a coupon and the coffee is free.

Course you could always change your own.

[Micro469]

Can you imagine this discussion around a campfire on a warm summer night after everyone has had a "few"????