Humor of the Day

[sdtripper2]

[RKH]

Oil Change $20.00
Coffee $1.00
Total $21.00

Are you kidding me?!! The first and last time I went to Jiffy Lube it cost me seventy bucks for an oil change!! I can go to my Ford dealer and get an oil change with Mobil One, a 100 point inspection AND a tire rotation for that kinda money!

Joseph

I think you got in on the "Pirates Pay Double" promotion.

[MOKI SEAKER]

Still $20.00 bucks in Utah, at the Dodge dealer, Ford may charge more.? Jim G

[Ma3tt]

DO NOT HIJACK"HUMOR OF THE DAY!!!!!" Only !!!

[rbeemer]

Just like Ma3tt to keep us from having fun

[Spadinator]

A Christmas story


When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce
toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the
pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which
stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were
about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out,
Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked,
the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

So, frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a
shot of rum.

When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all
the
cider and hidden the liquor.

In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it
broke
into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw
off
the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door,
yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big
Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't this a
lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me
to
stick it?"

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas
tree.

[PapaJ]

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic
name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name
of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call
Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful
consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced
that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also
considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and
of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in
liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage
suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to
literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call
this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of
"cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink".
Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast
implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means
that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky
boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do
with them.

[Jiminsav]

I got nailed by this scam last weekend and it still hurts.

Someone will approach you pretending to be your "loving wife" complete with gratuitous sex and your favorite snack. She will then subtly ask if you have a balance on your credit card. This is where you MUST answer "Yes, it's completely maxed out", otherwise she will cleverly slip it from your wallet while pretending to enjoy fondling your coconuts. Later that day, while you rest comfortably on the couch remote in hand, your card will be used to purchase half a dozen ridiculously overpriced "sale" items. The scam is so diabolical it resists any recourse by the presentation of one small gift, purchased with your card of course, special for you only. Your "loving wife" will then revert back to "moody hag" and disappear to wherever it is they go while you're in the house.

On a happy note, I really like my new Steelers hat, it keeps my head quite dry during my new part time job collecting shopping carts at Superstore.



I copied this from the Craig List

[Micro469]

I got nailed by this scam last weekend and it still hurts.

Someone will approach you pretending to be your "loving wife" complete with gratuitous sex and your favorite snack. She will then subtly ask if you have a balance on your credit card. This is where you MUST answer "Yes, it's completely maxed out", otherwise she will cleverly slip it from your wallet while pretending to enjoy fondling your coconuts. Later that day, while you rest comfortably on the couch remote in hand, your card will be used to purchase half a dozen ridiculously overpriced "sale" items. The scam is so diabolical it resists any recourse by the presentation of one small gift, purchased with your card of course, special for you only. Your "loving wife" will then revert back to "moody hag" and disappear to wherever it is they go while you're in the house.

On a happy note, I really like my new Steelers hat, it keeps my head quite dry during my new part time job collecting shopping carts at Superstore.



I copied this from the Craig List

I guess I shouldn't have shown this one to the Missus....

[Juneaudave]

Annual Physical

An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling.

"I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun." The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.

Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No."

The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"

"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."

"That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor.

[mikeschn]

I got this cute email yesterday, and I thought I'd share...

THE WAY YOU SLEEP.....

After 4 beers....


After 2 glasses of wine....


After 3 Kamikazes


After 2 bottles of wine (shared of course)....



After too many Margaritas....


(Note how the head must be restrained to prevent it from exploding)


After 2 bottles Jack Daniels

[PaulC]

Remind me never to drink Jack Daniels
Cheers
Paul

[Miriam C.]

or anything else. That is just too cute.

[Nitetimes]

Old Age Not So Bad


Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very
elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied.
"Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented.
She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is
the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply
replied, "No peer pressure."

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.

I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't
hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications
that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with
dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.
Thank Gaaawd, I still have my driver's license.

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my
doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I
decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted,
gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the
time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she
had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes
scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed.
"Why Wal-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week "

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as
sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast
relief."

Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old
because you stop laughing.

Senility Prayer...Grant me the senility to forget the people I never
liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the
eyesight to tell the difference.

Now, I think you're supposed to share this with 5 or 6, maybe 10 others.
Oh heck, give it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they
are!
If they're still around...

[Nitetimes]

A Somali arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the United States. He
stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, Thank you Mr.
American for letting me in this country, and giving me Housing, food stamps,
free medical care and free education!" But the passer-by says "You are mistaken,
I am Mexican".

The man goes on and encounters another passer-by "Thank you for
having such a beautiful country here in America!" The person says "I no
American, I Vietnamese."

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops,
Shakes his hand and says "Thank you for the wonderful America!"

That person puts up his hand and says "I am from Middle East, I am not
an American!"
He finally sees a nice lady and asks suspiciously, "Are you an American?"
"Where are all the Americans?"

The Russian lady looks at her watch, shrugs, and says...

"Probably at work!"