Humor of the Day

[Podunkfla]

I like this one:

I bought a new Mercury and returned to the dealer the next day complaining that I couldn't figure out how the radio worked.

The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated. "Watch this!", he said, "Nelson" The Radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?"
"Willie!", he continued and "On The Road Again" came from the speakers. Then he said, "Ray Charles!", and in an instant "Georgia On My Mind" replaced Willie Nelson.

I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say, "Beethoven," I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said, "Beatles," I'd get one of their awesome songs. Cool!

Yesterday, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed my new car, but I swerved in time to avoid them. I yelled, "IDIOTS!"

Immediately the French National Anthem began to play, sung by Jane Fonda and Barbara Streisand, backed up by Michael Moore and The Dixie Chicks, with John Kerry on guitar, Al Gore on drums, Dan Rather on harmonica, Nancy Pelosi on tambourine, Harry Reid on spoons, Bill Clinton on sax and Ted Kennedy on scotch.

Man, I LOVE this car!

[bledsoe3]

Ted Kennedy on scotch.

At least he wasn't driving.

[halfdome, Danny]

The following "Puns" are in honor of Papa....(Harry Walker) himself. He truely was the King of Puns!


1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything.

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing the ir recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good).... A
super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to her friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

[Podunkfla]

The Flag Pole



Engineers


Bubba and Ray (Mississippi State mechanical engineers) were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement, announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.


Ray shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a woman! We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"


Bubba and Ray are currently doing government work supervising the reconstruction of those New Orleans Levees.

[halfdome, Danny]

Remember this is just a joke!:lol:

Right Vs. Left

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked
about his bill and the barber replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money
from you; I'm doing community service this week"

The florist is pleased and leaves the shop. Next morning, when the barber
goes to open there is a thank you card and a dozen roses waiting for him at
his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the
barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept Money from you; I'm doing
community service this week."

The cop is happy and leaves the shop. Next morning when the barber goes to
open up there is a thank you card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his
door.

Later a Republican comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill
the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm
doing community service this week."

The Republican is very happy and leaves the shop. Next morning when the
barber goes to open, there is a thank you card and a dozen different books
such as "How to Improve Your Business" and "Becoming More Successful."

Then a Democrat comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the
barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing
community service this week."

The Democrat is very happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the
barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Democrats lined up waiting for a
free haircut. And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference
between left and right.


I wonder who will whine about this one

[Sam I am]

Danny, if you had one more pun, it would be a 21-pun salute!

Number 4 reminded me of this one: Did you hear about the insomniac dyslexic agnostic man? He stayed awake all night wondering if there is a dog!

[Joseph]

A priest, a rabbi and a Baptist minister walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this, a joke?"

Joseph

[Podunkfla]

[Miriam C.]

Send this to Chip.

[Paw_Paw_Drew]

More and more doctors are running their practices like an assembly line. One fella walked into a doctor's surgery and the receptionist asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles." So she took down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat. Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles". So she took down his height, weight, a complete medical history, and told him to wait in an examining room. A half hour later a nurse came in and asked him what he had. He said "Shingles." So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor. An hour later the doctor came in and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles." The doctor said, "Where?" He said, "Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"

[Miriam C.]

Mike got such a laugh out of this I thougt I would share it with you.

A husband had just finished reading a new book,
'YOU CAN BE THE MAN Of YOUR HOUSE'.

He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said sternly, "From now on, YOU need to know that I AM the MAN of this house, and my word is law! You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me, and we will have the sex that I want. After that, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then you will massage my feet and hands. Then after that's done, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

His wife replied, "The funeral director would be my guess."

[Kevin A]

Catholic Horses

One day while he was at the track betting on the ponies and nearly losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.

Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race

Mitch was most interested to see what the priest did the next race. Sure enough, the priest stepped out onto the track as the 5th race horses lined up, and placed a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses. Mitch made a beeline for the window and placed a small bet on the horse.

Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race.

Mitch collected his winnings and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race.

The priest showed, blessed a horse, Mitch bet on it, and it won!

Mitch was elated! As the day went on, the priest continued blessing horses, and they always came in first.

Mitch began to pull in some serious money, and by the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick stop at the ATM, withdrew his savings, and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.

True to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track before the last race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears, and hooves of one of the horses.

Mitch bet every cent, and watched the horse come in dead last. Mitch was dumbfounded. He made his way to the track, and when he found the priest,he demanded, "What happened, Father? All day long you blessed horses and they won. The last race, you blessed a horse and he lost. Now, thanks to you, I've lost all my savings!!"

The priest nodded wisely and said, "That's the problem with Protestants--you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rites!"

[bledsoe3]

Got this in my e-mail today:
President Bush, First Lady Laura and Dick Cheney were flying on Air Force One. George looked at Laura, chuckled and said, "You know, I could
throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy."

Laura shrugged her shoulders and replied, "I could throw ten $100 bills out the window and make ten people very happy."

Cheney added, "That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy"

Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-pilot "Such big-shots back there. sh**, I could throw all of them out of the window and make 56 million people very happy!!"

[Kevin A]

The population of this country is 300 million.

160 million are retired.

That leaves 140 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school.

Which leaves 55 million to do the work.

Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government.

Leaving 15 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama
Bin-Laden.

Which leaves 12.2 million to do the work.

Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work! for state and
city governments.

And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.

Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And there you are,

sitting on your a$$,

at your computer, reading jokes.

Nice. Real nice.

[Miriam C.]

Dang Kevin, no wonder you look so tired. Keep up the good work buddy.