Friday Mornings Joke

[Aussiedrops]

A nurse walks into a bank... Preparing to endorse a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her pocket and tries to write with it.
She looks up at the teller, pauses for a moment, then realizing her mistake, she says,
"Well, that's great, just great... Some asshole's got my pen."

Dave

[Aussiedrops]

A hunter kills a deer and brings it home. He decides to clean it, prepare it, and serve the deer meat for dinner. He knows his kids are fussy eaters, and won't eat it if they know what it is, so he doesn't tell them. His little boy keeps asking him ''What's for dinner dad?''
''You'll see'' he replies. They start eating dinner and his daughter keeps asking him what they are eating. ''Ok'' says her dad "Here's a hint. It's what your mother sometimes calls me''
His daughter screams... ''Don't eat it Jimmy!...... It's an arsehole...!!!''

Dave

[len19070]

Heard that one a little different. Teacher was trying to get her class to identify a photo of a deer. They didn't get it at first so she drew the antlers bigger, still didn't get it. Then she said "Its what your Mommy calls Your Daddy" One kid raised his hand and when called on he shouted out "Its a Hornee Bastard".

Happy Trails

Len

[Aussie Nomad]

A outback farmhand radios back to the farm manager.

Farm Hand: "Boss, I gotta bituva problem here. I hit a pig with the 4wd. The pig's ok, but he's stuck in the Bull-Bar at the front of my 4wd and is wriggling and squealing so much I can't get him out."

The Manager: "Ok, there's a 303 behind the seat. Take it, shoot the pig in the head and you'll be able to remove him"

5 minutes later...
Farm Hand. "I did what you said boss. Took the 303, shot the pig in the head and removed him from the bull-bar. No problem there, but I still can't move".

The Manager: "Now what's the problem?"

Farm Hand: "Well boss, it's his motor-bike. The flashing blue light is stuck under the right-front wheel arch".

[twdarty]

On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher. The florist's son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said, "I bet I know what it is - it's some flowers!" "That's right!" shouted the little boy. Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift. She held it up, shook it and said. "I bet I know what it is - it's a box of candy!" "That's right!" shouted the little girl. The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son, Little Johnny. The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she asked. "No," Little Johnny answered. The teacher touched another drop to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked. "No," he answered. Finally, the teacher said, "I give up. What is it?" Little Johnny replied, "A puppy!"

[twdarty]

The Ex-Wife

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin as she sits alone at a nearby table.

The wife asks, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," sighs the husband, "She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" says the wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long

[Chip]

A couple was having dinner at the exclusive club resturant when a drop dead beautiful lady came up to the man and gave him a kiss on the cheek, His wife hit the celing, and accused him of an affair with a mistress and demanded a divorce,,
Calmly, he pointed out she would no longer have credit cards to all the finest stores, no more summers in Europe, no more winters in the islands, no more diamonds, no more BMW's or Mercedes, no more Club memberships
Just then a friend walked thru the door with a very attractive lady on his arm that was not his wife, The wife asked who the lady was that was with John
Ohh thats John's mistress, replied the husband.

Wife thought a moment and then replied,, Our mistress is much prettier , dont ya think????

chipper

p/s ya got to have ya priorities

[Chris C]

[mincey]

WAL-MART APPLICATION

This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior citizen submitted to a Wal-Mart in Arkansas.

They hired him because he was so funny...
------------------

NAME: George Martin

SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least One who will cooperate)

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place ?

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth. and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

NEAREST RELATIVE: 7 miles

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.

[Aussiedrops]

Two Norwegian hunters from Minnesota got a pilot to fly them
To Canada to hunt moose.
They bagged six. As they started loading the plane for the
return trip, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose.
The two lads objected strongly, "Last year we shot six and the
pilot let us put them all on board and he had the same plane as yours."
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.
However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the
load and went down a few moments after takeoff.
Climbing out of the wreck one Norski asked the other, "Any
idea where we are?"
"Yaaah, I tink we's pretty close to where we crashed last year.

I'm Back

Dave

[Bobgorilla]

Why are a marriage and a tornado similar?









At the beginning there's alot of sucking and blowing and at the end you lose your house!

[Tear Fan]

Billy Bob and Bubba were out in the woods hunting when Billy Bob suddenly grabbed his chest and fell to the ground. He didn't seem to be breathing and his eyes were rolled back in his head.

Bubba whipped out his cell phone and called 911. He gasped to the operator, "I think Billy Bob is dead! What should I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice said, "Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a gunshot.

Bubba's voice came back on the line, "Okay, now what?"

[JIML1943]

A man and his son were walking through a field, and saw two dogs mating. The little boy asked his Dad what was happening. The Father replied, "Well, son, they're making a puppy."

The following evening, the little boy was thirsty, so he went from his bed to get a glass of water. Not being able to reach the glasses, he walked unannounced into his parents bedroom, who were making love in their usual missionary position. Confused, the boy asked what were they doing.

The Dad responded very slowly and caringly to his impressionable little boy, "Well, son, we are making you a little brother."

The little boy replied, "Please turn Mom over, Dad, I'd rather have a puppy!"

[Ira]

A nurse walks into a bank... Preparing to endorse a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her pocket and tries to write with it.
She looks up at the teller, pauses for a moment, then realizing her mistake, she says,
"Well, that's great, just great... Some asshole's got my pen."

Dave

I swear to God:

I had to read this one 5 times to understand it.

And THEN I laughed my ass off.

[The Teardrop Nanny]

Two guys were sitting on the beach watching the babes parade up and down, when the first one commented how he could never get a lady interested in him while his buddy always could. The second guy replied,

"Dude, you just stick a potato down your pants and strut around a bit. It works every time for me". They parted and agreed to meet back later that day. After a few hours had gone by they met up again at the beach.

The first guy said he'd tried what his friend had advised and had been walking up and down the beach all afternoon. He said he couldn't even get a lady to look at him, let alone talk to him. The second one then commented,

"Dude, you have to put the potato in the front."

TDN