Humor of the Day

[toypusher]

An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to report that her telephone
failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions when
it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The
telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog
or senile elderly lady.

He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the
subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog
moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel chain
and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number
was called.
4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then
urinate on himself and the ground.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to
ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning!

[halfdome, Danny]

Very good

[toypusher]

A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger
turned to the Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights
will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to
the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me
ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The
same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat
patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that
is?"

"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."

"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to
discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh.t?"

[Miriam C.]

I hope this is new.
Why I fired my secretary

Last week was my birthday
and I didn't feel very well
waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my wife would be pleasant
and say, "Happy Birthday!", and
possibly have a small present for me

As it turned out,
she barely said good morning,
let alone "Happy Birthday."

I thought...
Well, that's marriage for you,
but the kids....They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to
breakfast and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office,

I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office,
my secretary Jane said,
"Good Morning Boss,
and by the way Happy Birthday! "

It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.


I worked until one o'clock,
when Jane knocked on my door
and said, "You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your Birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me."

I said, "Thanks, Jane,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day.
Let's go!"

We went to lunch.
But we didn't go
where we normally would go.

She chose instead a quiet bistro
with a private table.
We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office,
Jane said, "You know,
It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We ?"


I responded,
"I guess not. What do you have in mind?"

She said, "Let's drop by my apartment,
it's just around the corner."

After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to me and said,
" Boss, if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into
the bedroom for just a moment.
I'll be right back."

"Ok," I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
she came out carrying a huge birthday cake .

Followed by my wife, my kids,
and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday.

And I just sat there...



On the couch...



Naked.

[toypusher]

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order.

"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.

"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy. "I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third little piggy.

The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.

"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy.

"I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy. "I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

"I want a banana split," said the first piggy.

"I want a root beer float," said the second piggy.

"I want water, lots and lots of water," exclaimed the third little piggy.

"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter! to the third little piggy, ! "but why have you only ordered water all evening?"

You're gonna LOVE me for this....

The third piggy says -

"Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!"

[halfdome, Danny]

If you receive an email entitled "Bedtimes" delete it IMMEDIATELY. Do not
open it . Apparently this one is pretty nasty. It will not only erase
everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks
within 20 feet of your computer. It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your
credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on
your VCR, and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt
to play. It will program your phone auto dial to call only 1-900
numbers. This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.

IT WILL CAUSE YOUR TOILET TO FLUSH WHILE YOU ARE SHOWERING. It will drink
ALL your beer.

FOR GOD'S SAKE, ARE YOU LISTENING??

It will leave dirty underwear on the coffee table when you are expecting
company. It will replace your shampoo with Nair (hair remover) and your
Nair with Rogaine (hair growth) . If the "Bedtimes" message opened in a
Windows 95/98 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your
hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will not only
remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, it will also
refill your skim milk with whole milk.

***

WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN.

***

And if you don't send this to 5000 people in 20 seconds, you'll fart so hard
that your right leg will spasm and shoot straight out in front of you,
sending sparks that will ignite the person nearest you.

Send this warning to everyone!!!
THERE'S A LOT OF SADNESS IN THE WORLD!
Right now, as you read this, 17 Million people are having SEX!!!
And look at you - You're on the bloody computer!!!!

[toypusher]

Whoa, Danny! LMAO!!

[toypusher]

Just thought I'd look in on you to see if you were at your computer.




And there you ARE.


Have a nice day.

[Podunkfla]

Yeah Kerry... Here's lookin at you kid!

[Sonetpro]

A police officer pulls over a speeding car.
The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles
per hour, sir."

The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on
cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar
gun needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife
says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know
that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the
driver looks over at his wife and growls,
"Can't you please keep your mouth shut
for once?"

The wife smiles demurely and says,
"You should be thankful your radar
detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the second
ticket for the illegal radar detector unit,
the man glowers at his wife and says
through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman,
can't you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice
that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir.
That's an automatic $75 fine."

The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer,
I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me
over so that I could get my license out of my
back pocket."

The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well
that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never
wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third
ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks,
"WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP?"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks,
"Does your husband always talk to you this way,
Ma'am?"



"Only when he's been drinking."

[Bob Olszewski]

A crusty old Marine found himself at a gala hosted by a local college.
There were many young, idealistic women attending. One of them approached the Marine for a conversation.

"Excuse me, sir, but you appear to be so serious, she said to him " Is something troubling you?"

"No, mam," the Marine said. "I am just serious by nature."

The young lady look at the Marine's awards and decorations on his uniform and said: "It sure looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, mam, a lot of action."

The young lady felt she should do what she could to get the Marine to lighten up and to enjoy the evening more. She said, "please relax and enjoy yourself."

The Marine just stared back at her in his serious manner.

Finally, the young woman said: "You know, I hope you do not take this the wrong way, but when was the last time you have sex, sir?"

His reply: "1957, mam"

"No wonder you are so serious, so uptight," the young woman said. "No sex since 1957! You come with me right now."

With obviously a patriotic motive, the young woman led the Marine into a private room where she made passionate love to him---several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she said to the Marine: "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1957."

The Marine looked at his watch and replied: "I sure hope not. It's only 21:30 now."

[War Eagle]

Two brothers (one cripple the other a hair lip) took a trip to Europe. When they got home the mother asked the hair lip about their trip.

He said we went to see the Eifal Tower and I climbed all the way to the top, but my brother couldn't because he crippled you know.

The mother said yes, yes I know he's cripple. Then she asked what else did you do.

The HL said we went to see the Leaning Tower of Pizza and climbed all the way to the top, but my brother couldn't go casue he's crippled you know.

The mother said yes, yes I know he's cripple, what else did you do?

He said well, we were walking through the plaza and we saw this faith healer with hundreds of people stnading around him so we stopped to watch for a while. This man was healing people left and right so we figured maybe he could heal my brother, casue he crippled you know.

The mother said yes, yes I know he's crippled. so what happened?

He said well we stood there for a long time until it was my brothers turn. So the faith healer walked up to my brother and placed his hand on his right shoulder and suddenly his crutch went flying through the air. Then the faith healer placed his hand on his left shoulder and the other cruth went flying in the other direction.

The mother anxiously asked what happened next.

The HL said He fell on his ass, he's crippled you know.

[halfdome, Danny]

TO BE 6 AGAIN
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed,
observing his wife turning back
and forth, looking at herself in the mirror.

Since her birthday was not far off, he asked
what she'd like to have for her Birthday.

I'd like to be six again, she replied, still
looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early,
made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms,
and then took her to Six Flags
theme park. What a day ! He put her on every
ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear,
the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster... everything
there was. Five hours Later they staggered out
of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her
stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a McDonald's where he
ordered her a Happy Meal with
extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop,
and her favorite candy,
M&M's. What a fabulous adventure ! Finally she
wobbled home with her
husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and
lovingly asked, Well Dear,
what was it like being six again ??

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression
suddenly changed.

I meant my Dress Size, you dumb ass !!

The moral of the story: Even when a man is
listening, he is going to get it wrong.

[bledsoe3]

Here, hold my beer.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=u2-od4n5Xl0

[halfdome, Danny]

Young & stupid comes to mind on that activity . Danny