Humor of the Day

[toypusher]

Three nuns were talking.

This first nun said " I found a pack of condoms in the priest's dresser"

The second nun said "It's OK, I cut holes in them"

The third nun FAINTED!!!

[Paw_Paw_Drew]

A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms. He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?" She responds, "No, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?

[Steve_Cox]

There was a bus in Cleveland and there was a nun on it. The bus stopped to pick up a guy, and he was a hippy. The hippy sat next to the nun and said, "Hey baby want to have sex with me?" The nun slapped him across the face.

Well as the hippy got off at his bus stop, the bus driver said, "Hey I see that nun praying every night at that cemetery over there, if you go there dressed as God you could probably get her to have sex with you."

The hippy said thanks and got off the bus, then got dressed up like God and hid behind a grave in the graveyard. Well just as the bus driver said, the nun came to pray at around six thirty. The Hippy popped out from behind the grave and said, "I am God!"

The nun said, "Oh great and powerful one what can I do for you?"

The hippy said, "You must have sex with me."

So she did. Then the hippy jumped up and said, "Haha I am the hippy!"

And the nun jumped up and said, "Haha I am the bus driver!"


The Farmers Son

The farmer and his wife had worked hard, scrimped and saved to send their son to college.

As soon as he had enrolled, he started to grow a beard.

Next he grew a large moustache and sideburns.

Being pleased with his new facial adornment, he had his picture taken and sent it off to his parents.

On the back of the photo he scrawled "How do you like it? Don't I look like a count?"

Shortly after, the son received this terse note: "You idiot, it cost us a fortune to send you to college, and you can't even spell!"

[halfdome, Danny]

An elderly couple was attending church services.

About halfway through she leans over and says to her husband, "I just let
out a silent fart what do you think I should do?"

He replies, " Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

[Paw_Paw_Drew]

It Was October And The Indians On A Remote
> Reservation Asked Their New
> Chief If The Coming Winter Was Going To Be Cold
> Or Mild.
>
> Since He Was A Chief In A Modern Society He Had
> Never Been Taught The
> Old Secrets. When He Looked At The Sky He
> Couldn't Tell What The Winter
> Was Going To Be Like.
>
> Nevertheless, To Be On The Safe Side, He Told
> His Tribe That The Winter
> Was Indeed Going To Be Cold And That The Members
> Of The Village Should
> Collect Firewood To Be Prepared.
>
> But Being A Practical Leader, After Several Days
> He Got An Idea. He Went
> To The Phone Booth, Called The National Weather
> Service And Asked, "is
> The Coming Winter Going To Be Cold?"
>
> "it Looks Like This Winter Is Going To Be Quite
> Cold," The Meteorologist
> At The Weather Service Responded.
>
> So The Chief Went Back To His People And Told
> Them To Collect Even More
> Firewood In Order To Be Prepared.
>
> A Week Later He Called The National Weather
> Service Again. "does It
> Still Look Like It Is Going To Be A Very Cold
> Winter?"
>
>
> "yes," The Man At National Weather Service Again
> Replied, "it's Going To
> Be A Very Cold Winter."
>
> The Chief Again Went Back To His People And
> Ordered Them To Collect
> Every Scrap Of Firewood They Could Find.
>
> Two Weeks Later The Chief Called The National
> Weather Service Again.
> "are You Absolutely Sure That The Winter Is
> Going To Be Very Cold?"
>
> "absolutely," The Man Replied. "it's Looking
> More And More Like It Is
> Going To Be One Of The Coldest Winters Ever."
>
> "how Can You Be So Sure?" The Chief Asked.
>
> The Weatherman Replied, "the Indians Are
> Collecting Firewood Like
> Crazy."

[Podunkfla]

Old couple --

A very old couple, who have been married forever, are sitting on their porch one night. Suddenly, the old woman reaches over and smacks her husband knocking him off the porch and into the nearby bushes.

He crawls back up and asks, "What the heck was that for?"

She replies, "For having a little pecker."

He sits there quietly a moment, and then smacks her sending her off the other side of the porch and into the bushes.

She crawls back up and says, "What was that for?"

He replies, "For knowing there was more than one size".

[Bob Olszewski]

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

*********************

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do, Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.

"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."


**************************

Paddy was in New York.

He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians." Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, "Pedestrians!" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"

**************************

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"

"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"

*****************************

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

*****************************

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah?" said Charlie, "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees.

"Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."

******************************

Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around a nd he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.

She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"

Flynn said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror

[rbeemer]

KNOW YOUR STATE MOTTO..........

Alabama
Hell Yes, We Have Electricity.

Alaska
11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!

Arizona
Yes, But It's A Dry Heat.

Arkansas
Literacy Ain't Everythang.

California
By 30, Our Women Have More
Plastic Than Your Honda.

Colorado
If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother.

Connecticut
Like Massachusetts, only smaller.

Delaware
We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water.

Florida
Ask Us About Our Grand kids
And Our Voting Skills.

Georgia
We Put The Fun In Fundamentalist Extremism.

Hawaii
Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru
(Death To Mainland Scum,Leave Your Money)

Idaho
More Than Just Potatoes...
Well, Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good

Illinois
Please, Don't Pronounce the "S"

Indiana
2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

Iowa
We Do Amazing Things With Corn

Kansas
First Of The Rectangle States

Kentucky
Five Million People;
Fifteen Last Names

Louisiana
We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism
Campaign.

Maine
We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

Maryland
If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It

Massachusetts
Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden 's And Our Senators Are More
Corrupt!

Michigan
First Line Of Defense From The Canadians

Minnesota
10,000 Lakes... And 10 Zillion Mosquitoes

Mississippi
Come visit And Feel Better About Your Own State

Missouri
Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work

Montana
Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies, and
Honest Elections!

Nebraska
Ask About Our State Motto Contest

Nevada
Hookers and Poker!

New Hampshire
Go Away And Leave Us Alone

New Jersey
You Want A ##$%##! Motto?
I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right here!

New Mexico
Lizards Make Excellent Pets

New York
You Have The Right To Remain Silent,
You Have The Right To An Attorney...
And No Right To Self Defense!

North Carolina
Tobacco Is A Vegetable

North Dakota
We Really Are One Of The 50 States!

Ohio
At Least We're Not Michigan

Oklahoma
Like The Play, But No Singing

Oregon
Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner

Pennsylvania
Cook With Coal

Rhode Island
We're Not REALLY An Island

South Carolina
Remember The Civil War?
Well, We Didn't Actually Surrender Yet

South Dakota
Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee
Home of the Al Gore Invention Museum .

Texas
Se Hable Ingles

Utah
Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Vermont
Too liberal for the Kennedys

Virginia
Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?

Washington
Our Governor can out-fraud your Governor!

West Virginia
One Big Happy Family...Really!

Wisconsin
Come Cut the Cheese!

Wyoming
Where Men Are Men... And The Sheep Are Scared

The District of Columbia
The Work-Free Drug Place !

[Kevin A]

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome,

including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have

you laughing out loud!



Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet. Here's what happened:



Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me

there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in

his room.



"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm

serious, Dad. Can you help?"



I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and

followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on

his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.



"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"



"Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies."



"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"



I was equally outraged.



"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want

them to reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife.



"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their

cage?" she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!).



"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded

her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).





"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.



"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you

know," she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).



By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I

shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.



"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I

announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."



"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.



"Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny

little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know.



We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what

looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second

later.



"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.



"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.



"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the

foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried

several more times with the same results.



"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know.

"Maybe they could talk us through the trauma" (You see a pattern here with

the females in my house?)



"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to

the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe,"

he urged.



"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be

so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but

this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.).



The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little

animal through a magnifying glass.



"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.



"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs.

Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"



I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside



"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.



"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not

in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen . . . Ernie is a boy. You

see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity,

like most male species, they um . . . um . .. . masturbate. Just the way he

did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife.



We were silent, absorbing this.



"So, Ernie's just . . just . . excited," my wife

offered.



"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.



More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to

giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.



"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I

married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.





Tears were now running down her face. "It's just . . .

that . . I'm picturing you pulling on its . .. . its . . . teeny little . .

." She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.





"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and

hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car. He was glad

everything was going to be okay.



"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," he

told me.



"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.



Two lizards: $140.



One cage: $50.



Trip to the vet: $30.



Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie:

Priceless!



Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.

Lizards lay eggs.

[Miriam C.]

I can't breath and you almost made me wake the house up.

[Podunkfla]

Only in the South...

Tennessee

The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he
decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her
into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Tennessee
and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus
14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my
earrings."

Alabama

A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for
the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under
the weight of an eight-point buck. "Where's Henry?" the others asked.

"Henry had a stroke or something. He's a couple of miles back up the
trail," the successful hunter replied.

"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they
inquired.

"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to
steal Henry!"

Louisiana

A senior at LSU was overheard saying... "When the end of the world
comes, I hope to be in Louisiana." When asked why, he replied he'd
rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years
later than in the rest of the civilized world.

Georgia

A Georgia State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-75. The trooper asked,

"Got any I. D.?"

The driver replied, "Bout whut?"

North Carolina

A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the
road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and
one behind it.

Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he
drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked
the fellow what the problem was. The man replied, "I have a flat tire."

The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"

The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in
the front and flares in the back. Hey, it don't make no sense to me neither."

And this from Arkansas

"You can say what you want about the South, but I ain't never heard of
nobody retiring to up North!

[Kevin A]

SUBJECT: HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE
George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his
wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she
could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there
were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said "no". Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should
simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police
again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people
in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry a bout t hem now cause I've just
shot them all." Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit and an
ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence and caught the burglars
red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd
shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

[Paw_Paw_Drew]

I hate to post links but thought this was to dang funny.

http://howtoprankatelemarketer.ytmnd.com/

[sledge]

That was a good one Kevin.....

[sledge]

Good one Danny.