Humor of the Day

[s4son]

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee, and
A 1 lb. package of bacon.

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single." I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I was indeed single. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of me, I said: "Well, you know what, you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

[bledsoe3]

Funny video. Redneck 911 Call
http://youtube.com/results?search_query ... rch=Search

[Podunkfla]

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said,

"Hey, I haven't see you in a while. What happened? You look
terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm
fine now."

"Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"

"We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword
fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh, one day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked
up,and one of them sh** in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't lose an eye just
from bird sh**."

"Well, It was my first day with the hook ."

[Kevin A]

Drunk Squirrel
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4ikH9ZRcF2Q

[madjack]

...po' wittle squirrelly...I once had something similar happen except it was a 200# hog that had been fed some fermented sweet taters...I am pretty sure it was the hardest I have ever laughed at ANYTHING...............
madjack

[SteveH]

This Week....

This week we celebrate a special Birthday. Monica Lewinsky turned
31 this week. Can you believe it?

It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the White
House on her hands and knees.

They grow up so fast....

[madjack]

This Week....

This week we celebrate a special Birthday. Monica Lewinsky turned
31 this week. Can you believe it?

It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the White
House on her hands and knees.

They grow up so fast....

....................

[toypusher]

So, Monica Lewinsky took a dress into the dry cleaners

She told the guy that she needed a stain removed

Well the guy behind the counter was pretty hard of hearing

So, he says "Come again?"

Monica, says..................





































Wait for it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
























"NO, this time it's mustard"

PS: Hopes this does not offend anyone!!!

[Miriam C.]

Ahem (ok can't say that. ) Are you boys having fun

[Mary K]

Sorry M, but that was funny.....

Mk

[Podunkfla]

A cowboy, who is visiting Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar
and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a
sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug
goes flat pretty quick after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in
Arizona, the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we
promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.

So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the
same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars
take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for
the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on
your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in
his eyes and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he
explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and
I had to quit drinking."

"Hasn't affected my brothers though."

[Paw_Paw_Drew]

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand. ... I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy." When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church from then on.
When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"

One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Me too!"

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." -- My case comes up next Thursday.

Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend... so get yourself a dog."

[halfdome, Danny]

These aren't new. but still funny

AIRLINE LAUGHS

Just in case you need a laugh: Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one.
Reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in our jobs.

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet,"
which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics
correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots
review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that
ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance
complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions
recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.


P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last..................

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding
on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

[halfdome, Danny]

Two guys are walking past an insane asylum.

They can hear people on the other side of the wall yelling "13....13.....!!!"

One of them noticed a small hole in the wall, and being curious decided to

have a look. He put his eye up to the hole and immediately got it poked from

the other side!

All of sudden they hear from the other side...."14.....14....!!!!!!!!!!"

[Podunkfla]