Humor of the Day

[SmokeyBob]

Thats a good one.

[SmokeyBob]

The Murphy Twins

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After awhile, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland."

The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!"

The first guy says, "So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be"?

The other guy answers, "I’m from Dublin, I am."

The first guy responds, "So am I!"

"Sure and begora. And what street did you live on in Dublin"?

The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was. I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town."

The first guy says, "Faith and it's a small world. So did I! So did I! And to what school would you have been going"?

The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's, of course."

The first guy gets really excited and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate"?

The other guy answers, "Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964."

The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self!"

About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down and orders a beer.

Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head and mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight."

Vicky asks, "Why do you say that, Brian"?

"The Murphy twins are drunk again."

[Bob Olszewski]

Are You a Democrat, Republican, or Southerner?



Here is a little test that will help you decide.

The answer can be found by your response to the following situation:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and your two small
children.

Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner,
locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the
knife, and charges at you.

You are carrying a Glock 40-Cal. and you are an expert shot.

You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.

What do you do?


*********************************************************************

Democrat's Answer:

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!

Does the man look poor? Or oppressed?

Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?

Could we run away?

What does my wife think?

What about the kids?

Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his
hand?

What does the law say about this situation?

What do the European courts say about this situation?

Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?

Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this
send to society and to my children?

Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?

Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound
me?

If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while
he was stabbing me?

Should I call 9-1-1?

Why is this street so deserted?

We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a
happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.

This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for few
a days and try to come to a consensus.

******************************************************************

Republican's Answer:

BANG!

******************************************************************

Southerner's Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
click.....

(sounds of reloading).

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click

Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or
Hollow Points?"

Son: "Can I shoot the next one?"

Wife: "You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist!"

[madjack]

Bob, I have read that one several times and everytimeI have been struck by how wrong it is on all levels...1) no matter whether you are a Dem or a Rep...if you are carrying a Glock while out with the family, you would not be the type to hesitate or question yourself when confronted...you would simply shoot 'em...2) if you were a Southerner...it would be a double tap...BAM...BAM...and then a coup de grace...Bam...then look around for his friends and your wife would'nt stop you from taking it to the taxidermist but would insist that the mount be put in the garage or your shop
madjack

[Podunkfla]

Bob, I have read that one several times and everytimeI have been struck by how wrong it is on all levels...1) no matter whether you are a Dem or a Rep...if you are carrying a Glock while out with the family, you would not be the type to hesitate or question yourself when confronted...you would simply shoot 'em...2) if you were a Southerner...it would be a double tap...BAM...BAM...and then a coup de grace...Bam...then look around for his friends and your wife would'nt stop you from taking it to the taxidermist but would insist that the mount be put in the garage or your shop
madjack

Jack... You are so right! Bam Bam...

[Gaston]

the southerner reminds me of our Portland cops, only there would be at least 3 cops and after shooting at the person they would have emptied their guns and the guy would have serious powder burns after all three missed at close range spraying 27 bullets around the nieghborhood!

[bledsoe3]

the southerner reminds me of our Portland cops, only there would be at least 3 cops and after shooting at the person they would have emptied their guns and the guy would have serious powder burns after all three missed at close range spraying 27 bullets around the nieghborhood!

I think they're training them to miss to avoid the lawsuit that follows.
Remember the lady who kneed the cop in the b*lls and they claimed she shouldn't have been hit with the taser.

[Nitetimes]

Remember the lady who kneed the cop in the b*lls and they claimed she shouldn't have been hit with the taser.

Maybe not but he shoulda back handed her, no need for a taser if she's unconscious.

[caseydog]

A 2006 study found that the average American walks about 900 miles per year. Another study found that Americans drink an average of 22 gallons of beer per year. That means, on average, Americans get approximately 41 miles per gallon.

CD

[critter]

Hey All,
Just a bunch of sheet that bothers the hell outta me!
Just heard on tv that 33% of all accidents were caused by drunk drivers.That means that 67% were caused by sober people ...other words you are less likely to be involved in a accident if your drunk.Who else thinks this is just wrong
another thing
why do we park in the driveway and drive in the parkway
and cowboys ...who came up with that!
everybody knows cows is girls.. bulls is boys,outta be bullboys and cowgirls!

[Bobgorilla]

the southerner reminds me of our Portland cops, only there would be at least 3 cops and after shooting at the person they would have emptied their guns and the guy would have serious powder burns after all three missed at close range spraying 27 bullets around the nieghborhood!

This is a true story: An armed cop killer was confronted by several (3, I think) sheriff deputies, as he raised his gun the deputies shot him 67 times. When asked why they shot the "suspect" 67 times the sheriff replied "They ran out of ammo" That's a southern cop!
P.S. this happened about 6 months ago

[madjack]

Critter, you bring up an excellent point...I have had accidents in which I was sober...never had one when I was drunk...I guess I should just drink more
madjack

[bledsoe3]

Subject: The awful truth

At first I thought this was funny...then
I realized the awful truth of it.

Tax his land, Tax his bed, Tax the table
At which he's fed.
Tax his tractor, Tax his mule, Teach him
taxes Are the rule.
Tax his cow, Tax his goat, Tax his
pants, Tax his coat.
Tax his ties,Tax his shirt, Tax his
work, Tax his dirt.
Tax his tobacco, Tax his drink, Tax him
if he Tries to think.
Tax his cigars, Tax his beers, If he
cries, then Tax his tears.
Tax his car, Tax his gas, Find other
ways To tax his ass
Tax all he has Then let him know, That
you won't be done, Till he has no dough.
When he screams and hollers, Then tax
him some more, Tax him till He's good
and sore.
Then tax his coffin, Tax his grave, Tax
the sod in which he's laid.
Put these words upon his tomb, "Taxes
drove me to my doom..."
When he's gone, Do not relax, Its time
to apply The inheritance tax.

COMMENTS: Not one of the taxes listed below existed 100 years ago, and our nation was the most prosperous in the world. We had absolutely no national debt, had the largest middle class in the world, and Mom stayed home to raise the kids.

Accounts Receivable Tax Building Permit Tax CDL license Tax
Cigarette Tax Corporate Income Tax Dog License Tax
Excise Taxes Federal Income Tax Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA) Fishing License Tax Food License Tax,
Fuel permit tax Gasoline Tax (42 cents per gallon)
Gross Receipts Tax Hunting License Tax
Inheritance Tax Interest expense
Inventory tax IRS Interest Charges IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax)
Liquor Tax Luxury Taxes
Marriage License Tax Medicare Tax
Personal Property Tax Property Tax
Real Estate Tax Service charge taxes
Social Security Tax Road usage taxes
Sales Tax Recreational Vehicle Tax
School Tax State Income Tax
State Unemployment Tax (SUTA)
Telephone federal excise tax - (I think this one is gone)
Telephone federal universal service fee tax
Telephone federal, state and local surcharge taxes
Telephone minimum usage surcharge tax
Telephone recurring and non-recurring charges tax
Telephone state and local tax
Telephone usage charge tax
Utility Taxes Vehicle License Registration Tax
Vehicle Sales Tax Watercraft registration Tax
Well Permit Tax Workers Compensation Tax

What the hell happened? Can you spell
"politicians!"

And I still have to "press 1" for
English.
I hope this goes around THE USA at least
100 times

[bobhenry]

God that's depressing , but Oh so true !

[bledsoe3]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=duW21TrOGKs