Humor of the Day

[tonyj]

An All Bran commercial we can all relate to:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dVCfvEzxZgk&NR=1

[ob1canola]

And the Buddhist Monk who ordered a hotdog.
The vendor asked "What do you want on it?
The Monk replied "Make me one with everything".

So the monk gives him a five dollar bill
the vendor says "thanks.."
The monk says "what about the change?"
The vendor says "Change comes from within"

[Mike C.]

Don't know if this has been here before, because I didn't want to read back 63 pages to see........

Finally together


LORD, THEY'RE FINALLY TOGETHER...



She married and had 13 children. Her husband died.



She married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband

died.



But she remarried and this time had 5 more children.



She finally died after having 25 children.



Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.



He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord,

they're finally together."



One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, "Do you

think he

means her first, second, or third husband?"



The friend replied, "I think he means her legs".

[Podunkfla]

And now this brief explanation of the history of civilization sent to me by a friend:

History in brief...

Using logic and reason when talking to a liberal is like trying to teach
algebra to a pig or throwing potato chips into a wind storm.

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic
hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the
summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the
winter.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of
beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man
to the beer. These were the foundations of modern civilization and
together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct
subgroups:

Liberals and Conservatives.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night
while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known
as the Conservative movement. Other men who were weaker and less
skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for
the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing.
This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest
became known as girliemen.

Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats,
the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of
Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that
conservatives provided.

Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest,
most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are
symbolized by the jackass for obvious reasons.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and
decide what to do with their production Liberals believe Europeans are
more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals
remained in Europe when conservatives came to America. Most of them
are still there but a few crept in after the Wild West was tamed and
created the business of trying to get something for nothing, now known
as the Democratic Party.

Here ends today's lesson in world history: It should be noted that a
Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above
before forwarding it. A conservative will simply laugh and be so
convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded
immediately and joyfully to other true conservatives and to some liberals
just to irritate them.

[Sam I am]

Very good, Brick! And sometimes it seems all too true!

[bledsoe3]

Now that's funny no matter who you are.

[halfdome, Danny]

If you are sitting next to someone who irritates you on a plane and let's be honest, we've all been there......
1. Quietly and calmly open up your laptop case.
2. Remove your laptop.
3. Boot it.
4. Make sure the guy who won't leave you alone can see the screen.
5. Open this message.
6. Close your eyes and tilt your head up to the sky.
7. Then hit this link: HERE

[bledsoe3]

That's a good one Danny. That may also get you a little time in the hole too.

[Podunkfla]

Yep... That's prolly about as good as trying to light the shoestring on you sneaker?

[halfdome, Danny]

I didn't know you could surf the web while flying

[Dave Bob]

Three Holy Men and a Bear

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher, and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a
week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experience.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. "Well," he said, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, "WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."

The priest and the reverend both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape. The Rabbi looked up and said, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."



Dave

[Ma3tt]

You know why they are having so much trouble putting out the fires in europe? Well everyone knows you don't put water on a Greece fire!


Two drums and and a cymbal fall off a cliff...........

(make this sound) bump bump thchhhhh

[Jiminsav]

You know why they are having so much trouble putting out the fires in europe? Well everyone knows you don't put water on a Greece fire!


Two drums and and a cymbal fall off a cliff...........

(make this sound) bump bump thchhhhh

Oh My Gawd...i almost peed myself.

[SmokeyBob]

THE OUTHOUSE

Once there was a little boy that lived in the country. They had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer and cold in the winter and stank all the time.

The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determine that one day he would push that outhouse into the creek.

One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and started pushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.

That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why.

The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today.
It was you, wasn't it son?"

The boy answered yes.

Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth."

The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in the cherry tree."

[starleen2]

The Silver Gravy Ladle

A young college student invites his mother over to eat dinner with himself, and his new roommate. When she arrives, she can't help but notice, how beautifully stunning his new roommate is. The son tells her that they are, just roommates, they have a strictly platonic relationship and assures her that nothing is going on between them. The mother enjoys a nice dinner, and later goes home.

Two weeks later the girl goes to her roommate, and says that ever since your mother came over for dinner, I can't find my silver gravy ladle. The son writes his mother a letter saying..."Mom, I'm not saying that you "did" take the silver gravy ladle, and I'm not saying that you "did not" take the silver gravy ladle, but the fact remains, it has been missing since you came over for dinner".

The mother wrote a letter back to her son saying..."Son, I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with your roommate, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with your roommate, but the fact remains... if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the ladle by now"