Humor of the Day

[cccamper]

When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered,

"It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."




elizabeth

i love kids. glad my parents did, too.

[cccamper]

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home
one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the
truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's
duties.

"They use him to keep crowds back," said one child.

"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."

A third child brought the argument to a close.

"They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants...

e

[cccamper]

1 more


After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old
slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin.

Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room,
putting them back to bed with stern warnings.

As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"

e

[cccamper]

Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away.

Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said,

"So. What did you think?"



-- Steven Wright

[elmo]

After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough as they
could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin
didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could
fix the problem but that it was expensive.

"A less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry
bomb, [fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can, then
hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."

The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the
shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is
going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held
the can up to his ear and began to count!

"1"



"2"



"3"


"4"


"5"





At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.


This procedure also works well in Arkansas, Louisiana, Mississippi, Texas, Oklahoma, West Virginia..........

[Podunkfla]

There is the Florida everyone knows about...
Then there is the podunk rural panhandle... It's different... very different.

Dismembered again?

Once upon a time, the Panhandle city of Vernon was a national laughingstock. Its people were ridiculed as bumpkins and cranks, freaks willing to shoot off their own hands. Then things changed. Time and hard work helped bury the past, and now Vernon has reclaimed some of its dignity. If only that were the end of the story:

http://www.sptimes.com/2007/09/02/Life/ ... gain.shtml

[Mike C.]

Ducks.......


Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.



When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"



So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.



It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.



Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"



The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing.



With him is another extremely ugly man.

He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.



The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.



She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.



St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.



The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"





The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

[Podunkfla]

Speakin of ducks...

The Lawyer & the Duck

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tennessee. He shot and
dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of
a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his
tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and
now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming
over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the
United States and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and
take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we
settle disputes here in Tennessee. We settle small disagreements with
the 'Three Kick Rule.'"

The lawyer asked, "What the heck is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"

The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get
to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times
and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided
that he could easily take the old coot. He agreed to abide by the local
custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to
the attorney.

His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into
the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees.

His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from
his mouth and sprawled him over backwards.

The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear
end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his
feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old
fart. Now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. I reckon you can have the duck."

[del]

This is why women should not take men shopping against their will.
>
> After Mr. And Mrs. Fenton retired, Mrs.Fenton insisted her husband
> accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart.
>
> Unfortunately, Mr. Fenton was like most men--he found shopping boring
> and preferred to get in and get out.
>
> Equally unfortunately , Mrs. Fenton was like most women--she loved to
> browse.
>
> One day Mrs. Fenton received the following letter from her local
> Wal-Mart:
>
> Dear Mrs. Fenton,
>
> Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a
> commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may be
> forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr.
> Fenton are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance
> cameras.
>
> 1 . June 15: Took 24 boxes of Preparation H and randomly put them in
> people's carts when they weren't looking.
>
> 2 . July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at
> 5-minute intervals.
>
> 3. July 7: Made a trail of Lemon Juice on the floor leading to the
> women's restroom.
>
> 4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
> voice, "Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away."
>
>
> 5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's
> on lay-away.
>
> 6. September 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to acarpeted
> area.
>
>
> 7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told
> other shoppers he 'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and
> blankets from the bedding department.
>
>
> 8. September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began
> crying and screamed, "W hy can't you people just leave me alone?"
>
> 9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a
> mirror while he picked his nose.
>
> 10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he
> asked the clerk where the anti-depressants were.
>
> 11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly
> humming the " Mission Impossible" theme.
>
>
> 12. December 6: In the auto department, he
> practiced his
> "Madonna look" by using different sizes of funnels.
>
>
>
> 13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when
> people browsed
> through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"
>
> 14. December 21: When an announcement came over the
> loud
> speaker,he assumed a fetal position and screamed "OH
> NO! IT'S THOSE
> VOICES AGAIN!"
>
> And last, but not least .
>
> 15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the
> door, waited
> awhile, then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no
> toilet paper in here!"
>
> Regards,
> Wal Mart

[Ma3tt]

Hey how much for the beer nuts?

$1.35

Hmmm thats too much, how much for Deer nuts?

They are always under a buck!

[halfdome, Danny]

Serenity

[cccamper]

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES


1. When choking on an ice cube, simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.

2. Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold while you chop.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

4. To treat high blood pressure: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, t ake a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. I f it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

8. When confused remember.....everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

[Podunkfla]

Enough to make you quit cold turkey!

[Podunkfla]

OK... No disrespect meant for you blonde's out there...
But, this was too funny not to pass on:

A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. "How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her "Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied. "What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?" "No, Silly , " the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and then I thought, I just paid $6,000.00 for these implants. I'm not shooting myself in the chest." "So then?" asked the doctor. "Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, "I just paid $3,000.00 to get my teeth straightened. I'm not shooting myself in the mouth." "So then?" "Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: "This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.

[halfdome, Danny]

Bubba liked to frequent the swimming pool but was never able to
attract the girls. He decided to ask his friend Billy Bob for advice.

'It's them dang ole big baggy swimming trunks that make you look like
an old fool...they're years outta style. Your best bet is to grab yourself
a size=5 pair of Speedos - about two sizes too little and drop a
fist-sized tater down inside them thangs. I'm telling ya man ... you'll
have all the babes you want!'

The following weekend, Bubba hits the swimming hole with his spanking
new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato. Everybody at the swimming
hole was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, laughing, looking sick!

Bubba went back to his buddy Billy Bob and asked him, 'What's wrong
now?'

Good God a'mighty Bubba!' said Billy Bob, 'the tater goes in the front!!!