by Mike C. » Sun Oct 28, 2007 6:58 pm
Dedicated to all women who use public toilets
Only women will truly relate to the following, but it's fun for all!!My mother was a fanatic about public toilets. As a little girl, she'd bring me in the stall teach me to wad up toilet paper and wipe the seat. Then, she'd carefully lay strips of toilet paper to cover the seat. Finally, she'd in struct, Never, Never, sit on a public toilet seat. And she'd demonstrate" the stance" Which consisted of balancing over the toilet in a sitting position without actually letting any of your flesh make contact with the Toilet seat. But by this time, I'd have wet down my leg and we'd go home. That was a long time ago. Even now in our more mature years, The Stance is excruciatingly difficult to maintain when one's bladder is especially full. When you have to " go" in a public bathroom. You find a line of women that makes you think there's a half price sale on Nelly's underwear in there. So, you wait and smile politely at all the other ladies, also crossing their legs and smiling politely. And you finally get closer, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every one is occupied. Finally, a stall door opens and you dash, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall. You get into find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter, you hang your purse on the door hook, yank down your pants and assume" the stance" Relief, more relief. Then your thighs begin to shake, you'd love to sit down but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat, or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold The Stance as your thighs experience a quake that would register an eight on the Richter scale. To take your mind off it, you reach for the toilet paper. The toilet paper dispenser is empty. Your thighs shake more. You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on that's in your purse. It would have to do. You crumble it in the puffiest way possible. It is still smaller than your thumb nail. Some one pushes open your stall door because the latch doesn't work and your purse whams you in the head. " occupied" you scream as you reach out for the door, dropping your tissue in a puddle and falling backward, directly onto the toilet seat. You get up quickly, but it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with all the germs and life forms on the bare seat because you never laid down toilet paper, not that there was any, even if you had enough time too. And your mother would be utterly ashamed of you if she knew because her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because frankly, you don't know what kind of disease your could get. And by this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, sending up a stream of water akin to a fountain and then it suddenly sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged to China. At this point, you give up. You're soaked by the splashing water, you're exhausted. You try to wipe with a Chicklet wrapper you found in your pocket, then slink our inconspicuously to the sinks. You can't figure out how to operate the sinks with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past a line of women, still waiting, cross legged and unable to smile at this point. At this time, your see your man, " who has entered" used and exited his bathroom and read a copy of War and Peace while waiting for you. What took you so long? he asks, annoyed, this when you kick him sharply in the shin and go home.
This is dedicated to all women everywhere who have ever had to deal with a public toilet. And it finally explains to all you men what takes us so long. Ps The answer to the question, why do women go in pairs, It's so the other women can hold the door and hand you Kleenex.
Uncle M ( Mike )
Danny
...Lots more pix here!
