Humor of the Day

[Podunkfla]

Bubba went to a psychiatrist.

"I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy."

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears."

"How much do you charge?"


"Eighty dollars per visit, replied the doctor."

"I'll sleep on it," said Bubba.

Six months later the doctor met Bubba on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?" asked the psychiatrist.

"Well Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!"

"Is that so! And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Cain't nobody get under there now !!!"

[halfdome, Danny]

Two men are out ice fishing at their favorite fishing hole, just fishing quietly and drinking beer.






Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Mel says, "I think I'm
Going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months."

Earl continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says, "You
Better think it over - women like that are hard to find."

[Sonetpro]

I rear-ended another car this morning.
So, there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of the other car . . and you know how stressful events sometime seem to get funny? Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it . . . the driver of the other car was a DWARF!
He storms over to my car door, looks up at me and says, "I AM NOT HAPPY!"
So, I look down at him and say, "Well, which one are you then?"

. . . and that's how the fight started.

[Jst83]

[Lesbest]

A trucker goes into a house of pleasure and lays down 5 one hundred dollar bills. He says to the Madam " Give me your uglest woman here and a baloney sandwich."
The Madam replied, "For that much money you could have 2 of my best girls and a huge steak."
He answered, "Honey, I'm not horney---I'm HOMESICK."

[Mike C.]

Doctor's convention

A Japanese doctor says, 'Medicine in my country is so advanced that we
can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him out
looking for work in six weeks.'


A German doctor says, 'That is nothing. We can take a lung out of one
person, put it in another, and have him out looking for work in four
weeks.'


A British doctor says, 'In my country medicine is so advanced
we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have
both of them out looking for work in two weeks.'


The American doctor, not to be outdone, interjected, 'You guys are way
behind. We are about to take a woman with no brains, send her to
Washington where she will become President, and then half the
country will be out looking for work in one week.'

[s4son]

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file. The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
"My wife's."
"What happened to her?"
The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "But, who is in the second hearse?"
The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men. "Can I borrow the dog?"
"Get in line."

[halfdome, Danny]

[Podunkfla]

In any language...

[Podunkfla]

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both
he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind
of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.

The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their
plates, so they begged their dad for a clue.
"Well" he said, "It's what mommy calls me sometimes".

The little girl quickly screams,

"Billy, Don't eat it... Its an asshole!!!"

[Nitetimes]

Observations:
1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car."
--Author Unknown
2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle:
"Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children."
--Author Unknown
3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that.
It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
--Drew Carey
4) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it.
At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house."
--Jeff Foxworthy
5) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life w ithout even considering if there is a man on base."
--Dave Barry
6) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, the day before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
--Bob Ettinger
7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"
--Paula Poundstone
8 ) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh."
--Conan O'Brien
9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my.... I could be eating a slow learner."
--Lynda Montgomery
10) "I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough.
Let's go west.'"
--Richard Jeni
11) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead."
--Johnny Carson
12) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
--Paul Rodriguez
13) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law."
--Jerry Seinfeld
14) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that?
What, do tall people burn slower?"
--Warren Hutcherson
15) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many.
Monogamy is the same."
--Oscar Wilde
16) "Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress.. But I repeat myself."
--Mark Twain
17) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan "
--A. Whitney Brown
18 ) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says,
'My, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'"
--Dave Barry
19) Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken.
--Unknown, presumed deceased
20) "Everybody's got to believe in something.
I believe I'll have another beer."
- W. C. Fields
And lastly: Why should I have to Press 1 for English?

[Nitetimes]

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine... and those who don ' t.
As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria.
In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.
However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of sh**.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service

[Podunkfla]

100+ Reasons Why Motorcycles Are Better Than Women...

Motorcycles only need their fluids changed every 2,000 miles.
Motorcycles' curves never sag.
Motorcycles last longer.
Motorcycles don't get pregnant.
You can ride a Motorcycle at any time of the month.
Motorcycles don't have parents.
Motorcycles rarely get a headache.
Motorcycles don't whine unless something is really wrong.
If you don't want to ride your Motorcycle for a while, you can lock it in the garage.
You can kick your Motorcycle to wake it up.
You can share your Motorcycle with your friends.
Your Motorcycle doesn't care what you are doing when you are not riding it.
If your Motorcycle makes too much noise, you can buy a muffler.
You only need to get a new chain or belt for your Motorcycle when the old one is really worn.
If your Motorcycle smokes, you can do something about it.
Your Motorcycle doesn't care if you forget it's birthday.
Your Motorcycle will let you ride it in dirty jeans and a wife-beater.
Motorcycles don't care about how many other Motorcycles you have ridden.
When riding, you and your Motorcycle always arrive at the same time.
You can ride your Motorcycle all day long if you want to.
Motorcycles don't care about how many other Motorcycles you go for a ride on.
Motorcycles don't mind if you look at other Motorcycles, or if you buy Motorcycle magazines.
New Motorcycles must be asked for, and if you don't want to pay for them, you don't get them.
If your Motorcycle goes flat, you can fix it.
If your Motorcycle is too loose, you can tighten it.
If your Motorcycle is too soft, you can get different shocks.
If your Motorcycle is misaligned, you don't have to discuss politics to correct it.
If you don't want to look at your motorcycle, you can put a cover over it.
You can have a few beers while riding your Motorcycle.
You can have a black Motorcycle and show it to your parents.
You don't have to be jealous of the guy that works on your Motorcycle.
The bigger Motorcycle you have, the more your friends admire it.
You don't have to deal with priests or blood-tests to register your Motorcycle.
You don't have to convince your Motorcycle that you're a motorcyclist and that you think that all Motorcycles are equals.
If you say bad things to your Motorcycle, you don't have to apoligize before you can ride it again.
You can ride a Motorcycle as long as you want and it won't get sore.
Motorcycles don't give a damn about flowers or candy.
Your parents don't remain in touch with your old Motorcycle after you dump it.
Motorcycles always feel like going for a ride.
Motorcycles actually look better with a fat ass.
Motorcycles don't insult you if you are a bad rider.
Motorcycles don't care if you are ugly, fat or smell like a horse.
A 50 or 60 year old Motorcycle is often worth more than a new one.
Even if your Motorcycle dumps you, you can get right back on it and ride the hell out of it.
Your Motorcycle never wants a night out alone with the other Motorcycles.
You can let your friends ride your motorcycle.
Most of your friends will let you ride their Motorcycles too.
If you buy a used Motorcycle, you don't have to accept a bunch of little Motorcycles along with it.
Motorcycles with bags are cool.
If you can afford them, you can have two, three or a dozen Motorcycles.
Motorcycles don't care if you are late.
Motorcycles don't care if you smoke a cigarette after riding them.
You don't have to take a shower before riding your Motorcycle.
It's always ok to use tie downs on your Motorcycle.
If your Motorcycle doesn't look good, you can paint it or get better parts.
Any time you get tired of a Motorcycle, you can get a newer one.
You can't get diseases from a Motorcycle you don't know very well.

~ Brick

“One Machine can do the work of fifty ordinary men. No Machine can do the work of one extraordinary man.” ~ Elbert Hubbard)

[Podunkfla]

For Immediate Release to All Media:


HARLEY DAVIDSON FACES STIFF COMPETITION FROM JOHNSON MARINE WHO INTRODUCES A NEW LINE OF MOTORCYCLES
------------------------------------------------------------------------
At a press conference late Monday, the CEO of Johnson Marine, makers of Johnson outboard marine engines and other recreational equipment, unveiled a new line of heavyweight cruiser style motorcycles designed to compete head to head with industry leader Harley-Davidson. Peter Long, Johnson's Brands Marketing Manager said, "We have studied the market and determined that Harley, while highly successful, has narrowly missed the mark when targeting motorcycle buyers." Long added, "We at Johnson are convinced that our product hits the target dead center and promises to draw sales away from Harley Davidson in a way no other motorcycle has been able to accomplish."

The new line of bikes, marketed under the name Big Johnson Motorcycles, will, according to Long, deliver what Harley has only promised. "Our research show that this, a Big Johnson, is what Harley buyers are really after." At the unveiling of the new line Monday, several current Harley owners agree. "When I bought my Harley, what I really needed was a Big Johnson," said one Harley owner. "But I see now that riding a Harley is no replacement for having a Big Johnson."

Manager Long also said that his company would follow the lead of Harley-Davidson and cash in on a huge market for non-motorcycle related products. "We realize that not every guy can have a Big Johnson," said Long, "But image is very important to people. If they don't have a Big Johnson, they at least want to project the image of having one."

Asked if he anticipated Big Johnsons showing up in the hands of Harley owners, Long said it was unlikely. "I just don't see the need to have a Harley if you have a Big Johnson," he said. "And I can't imagine someone who spends all their resources to acquire a Harley having a Big Johnson. I think it boils down to this - You either have a Harley, or you have a Big Johnson, but you are not likely to have both."

"Given the choice," said Long, "I think most guys will opt for the Big Johnson."

Another force driving sales for the company will come from women. A survey of the wives and girlfriends of nearly 1,000 potential motorcycle buyers indicates less than 5% would approve of their partner spending $20,000 on a Harley Davidson. But, when asked if they would be willing to pay the same amount of money to get their partner a Big Johnson, nearly 4 out 5 thought that would be money well spent.

One female present at the product unveiling was quoted as saying, "There is no way I will let Lonnie drop 20 grand on another one of those Harleys, but 20 grand to get him a Big Johnson? Well, that's something we could both enjoy, and it's something he really needs."

Carla Roundheels, manager of the dealership network now being established, said her motto is simple. "I service what we sell."

Big Johnson Motorcycles will be traded on the New York stock exchange under the abbreviation PNSNV.

[madjack]

...this is from the same company that markets the fabled Big Johnson Strecher...they have one for dimensional work and one for sheet goods...beware of plastic Chinese knockoffs...they use lead to achieve the desired results
madjack