Humor of the Day

[Podunkfla]

Don't Flirt at the Halloween Party!!

A wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go on to the Halloween party alone.
He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was
going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his
good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without
pain and as it was still early, decided go to the party.
As her husband didn't know what her costume w as, she thought she would
have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume,
cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice looking "chick"
he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.
His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he
left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let
him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.
After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear
and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and made passionate
love in the back seat.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and
put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of
explanation he would make up for his outrageous behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of
time he had. "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time
when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"
He replied, I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got
there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the
spare room and played poker all evening." You must have looked really
silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with
unashamed sarcasm. To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my
costume to your brother, apparently he had the time of his life."

[madjack]

OUCH ...don't ya just hate when that fine mystery date turns out to be your sister ....................

[Mike C.]

The Golf Lesson


A young woman had been taking golf lessons.


She had just started playing her first round of golf when she
suffered a bee sting.


Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the
clubhouse for help and to complain.


Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked,


"Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?"


"I was stung by a bee!", she said.


"Where?", he asked.


"Between the first and second hole", she replied.

He nodded knowingly and said, "Then your stance is too wide."

[Mike C.]

A Walmart Greeter

A manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job
opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people
who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them
only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get
the job.
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the
interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"
Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, "A THOUGHT."
It just pops into your head. There's no warning." "That's very good!"
replied the interviewer. "And, now you sir?", he asked the second man.
"Hmmm...let me see. "A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that
it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of." "Excellent!"
said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's a very popular
cliché' for speed.
He then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply. "Well,
out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's
a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture
the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. "Yep, TURNING ON
A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of" The interviewer was very
impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's
hard to beat the speed of light," he said.
Turning to Bubba, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the
same question. Old Bubba replied, "After hearing the previous three
Answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA."
"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.
"Oh sure", said Old Bubba. "You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so
good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or
TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already $h*t my pants."
Old Bubba is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you! You probably
will think of this every time you enter a Wal-Mart from now on!....

[Podunkfla]

Some big 'ol southern boys fishin...

http://www.biertijd.com/mediaplayer/?itemid=4443

[Dean in Eureka, CA]

[halfdome, Danny]

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping thru the forest road when she sees the big bad wolf crouched down behind a log.

" My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf."

The wolf jumps up and runs away.…

Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he's crouched behind a bush.

"My, what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf."

Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.…

About 1/4 mile down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched down behind a rock.

"My, what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf."

With that the wolf jumps up and screams,

"Will you knock it off, I'm trying to poop!"

[Podunkfla]

Texas girls

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their
new wives duties. The first man had married a woman from New York, and
bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes
and house cleaning. He said it took a couple days but on the third day
he came home to a clean house and the dishes were done.

The second man had married a woman from Florida. He bragged that he had
given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes AND
the cooking. On the first day he didn't see any results, but the next
day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes
were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a Texas girl. He boasted that he told her
that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn
mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He
said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he still didn't see
anything. But by the third day, most of the swelling had gone down
and he could see a little bit out of his left eye.

[Jiminsav]

Canada volunteered 10 Battleships, 4 Jet Fighters, and 200 Soldiers to the U.S. anti-terrorism cause, after the exchange rate, that came up to 4 canoes, 2 flying squirrels and 3 Canadian mounties

[madjack]

Canada volunteered 10 Battleships, 4 Jet Fighters, and 200 Soldiers to the U.S. anti-terrorism cause, after the exchange rate, that came up to 4 canoes, 2 flying squirrels and 3 Canadian mounties

I assume that is what we could afford of what they offered, since the Candian dollar is now worth much more than the USD.........
madjack

[tonyj]

This Year's First Christmas Joke

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that Symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven".

"The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said. "You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells" Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".

The third man, Jack, started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "These are Carols."

And So The Christmas Season Begins......

[madjack]

.............................The third man, Jack , started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "These are Carols."

And So The Christmas Season Begins......

...I don't even know ANYONE named Carol...honest honey(my story and I'm sticking toit) .................

[tonyj]

.............................The third man, Jack , started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "These are Carols."

And So The Christmas Season Begins......

...I don't even know ANYONE named Carol...honest honey(my story and I'm sticking toit) .................

Does that mean they are yours?

[madjack]

...of course...afterall, they were the edible type, I had the munchies and that is all that was available(once again...my story and I ain'ta changin' it) ...........
madjack

[halfdome, Danny]

The Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director:
How do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient
and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket
because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

ARE YOU GOING TO PASS THIS ON, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE ?