Humor of the Day

[Sam I am]

How about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac?

He stayed up all night wondering if there is a dog!

[Podunkfla]

It doesn't get much sillier than this...

http://glumbert.com/media/pedalcar

[Micro469]

It doesn't get much sillier than this...

http://glumbert.com/media/pedalcar

Don't you just love those Toronto Cops????

[Podunkfla]

All You Need to Know About Mathmatics

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
______________________________

OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
_____________________________

SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.
_____________________________

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
_____________________________

HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
______________________________

LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do,
but married men are a lot more willing to die.
______________________________

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
_____________________________

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
_____________________________

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs
and cackling, telling me, 'You're next.'

They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

[Sam I am]

I found this on a motorcycle forum and thought it was worth sharing:

Word play

The Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's winners:

1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

3. Bozone: (n.) The substance surrounding stupid people - that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

5. Cashtration: (n.) The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

9. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer...

12. Decafalon: (n.) The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit: (n.) The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug: (n.) Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor: (n.) The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature...

18. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Just got this email again with "this year's winners" from the Mensa Invitational with the same words as above.
There were extras in the email I got:
The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. And the winners are:

1. coffee , n. the person upon whom one coughs.

2. flabbergasted , adj. appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. abdicate , v. to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. esplanade , v. to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. willy-nilly , adj. impotent.

6. negligent , adj. absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. lymph , v. to walk with a lisp.

8. gargoyle , n. olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. flatulence , n. emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. balderdash , n. a rapidly receding hairline..

11. testicle , n. a humorous question on an exam.

12. rectitude , n. the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. pokemon , n.. a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. oyster , n. a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism , n. the belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. circumvent , n. an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

[Mike C.]

The Speeding Ticket

A man was pulled over by a cop for speeding.

" I wasn't speeding " said the guy. " Yes you were,dear" said his wife.
He gives her a dirty look.

And the the cop says, "You also went through a red light."

"No way" said the guy. But his wife said, " It was yellow, dear." The guy gives her another dirty look.

"And" says the cop " your plates have expired."

"Oh," says the guy, " I paid for them, but they haven't come yet." His wife says" Yes they have , dear......they've been sitting on your desk."

The guy has had all he can take from his wife, so he reams her out, calling her all kinds of names.

The cop looks over at the wife and says, " Does he always speak to you like this?" and she says " Oh no, only when he's drunk."

[Jiminsav]

In 1966, a NASA team doing work for the Apollo moon mission took the astronauts near Tuba City where the terrain of the Navajo Reservation looks very much like the Lunar surface. Along with all the trucks and large vehicles, there were two large figures dressed in full Lunar spacesuits.

Nearby a Navajo sheep herder and his son were watching the strange creatures walk about, occasionally being tended by personnel. The two Navajo people were noticed and approached by the NASA personnel. Since the man did not know English, his son asked for him what the strange creatures were and the NASA people told them that they are just men that are getting ready to go to the moon. The man became very excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts.

The NASA personnel thought this was a great idea so they rustled up a tape recorder. After the man gave them his message, they asked his son to translate. His son would not.

Later, they tried a few more people on the reservation to translate and every person they asked would chuckle and then refuse to translate. Finally, with cash in hand, someone translated the message, "Watch out for these guys, they come to take your land."

[halfdome, Danny]

An 80-year-old man goes for a physical.
All of his tests come back with normal results.
The doctor says, 'George, everything looks great.
How are you doing mentally and emotionally?
Are you at peace with God?'



George replies, 'God and I are tight.
He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on.
When I'm done, poof the light goes off.'



'Wow, that's incredible,' the doctor says.



A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife.
'Ethel,' he says, 'George is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God.
Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! The light goes off?'





'Oh my God!' Ethel exclaims. 'He's peeing in the fridge again!

[halfdome, Danny]

A real raspberry


A Tale of Woe.......


Three aspiring psychiatrists, from three leading universities,

were attending their first class on emotional extremes.



"Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the

student from UCLA, What is the opposite of joy?"



"Sadness," said the student.



"And the opposite of depression?" he asked the young lady from Clemson.



"Elation," she said.



"And you, sir," he said to the student from the University of

Wyoming "how about the opposite of woe?"



The UW student replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy up".

[Podunkfla]

Ya say that punk boy your daughter is seeing bothers you?



Here's the answer:
http://tinyurl.com/3yvrwf

[Mike C.]

Nair 101


My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the store and get some 'Nair' hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month. The lady goes to the drug store and gets some 'Nair' hair remover. At the register the druggist tells her, 'If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days.' The lady says: 'I'm not using it under my arms.' The druggist says: 'If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days.' The lady says: 'I'm not using it on my legs either; if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer.' The druggist says: 'Stay off your bicycle for a week.'

[lauriandgary]

To All My Democrat Friends:

Please accept with no obligation, implied or explicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2008, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great. Not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country nor the only America in the Western Hemisphere. Also, this wish is made without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee.


To My Republican, Independent and Libertarian Friends:

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

[Mike C.]

This is really not funny, reality never is.

MATH--THE PAST 50 YEARS---



(This is a true story)

Yesterday I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58.

The countergirl took my $2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her.
She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register.

I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help.

While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried. Why do I tell you this?






Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:


1. Teaching Math In 1950s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.

What is his profit ?




2. Teaching Math In 1960s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100 His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80.

What is his profit?




3. Teaching Math In 1970s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?




4. Teaching Math In 1980s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20.

Your assignment: Underline the number 20.




5. Teaching Math In 1990s
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate

and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands.

He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living?

Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel

as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it's ok. )




6. Teaching Math In 2007
Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?

[Miriam C.]

Well at least we are going back to asking if they had a profit.

[Mike C.]

A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans, with a box of crabs.




A female crew member took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator, which she did.

The man firmly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, and proceeded to rant and rave about what would happen if she let the crabs thaw out.




Shortly before landing in New York, she announced over the intercom to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?"




Not one hand went up..so she took them home and ate them herself.

Men never learn.