Funny/interesting quotes you've heard...

[looped]

Watching television is like taking black spray paint to your third eye.

One of my big fears in life is that I'm gonna die and my parents are going to come to clean out my apartment and find that porno wing I've been adding on to for years.

I don't mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that's how it comes out.

I love the Pope, I love seeing him in his Pope-Mobile, his three feet of bullet proof plexi-glass. That's faith in action folks! You know he's got God on his side.

“A lot of Christians wear crosses around their necks. You think when Jesus comes back he ever wants to see a Bleeping cross? It's like going up to Jackie Onassis wearing a rifle pendant.”


-- Bill hicks



You never hear in the news, "200 killed today when Atheist rebels took heavy shelling from the Agnostic stronghold in the North."

We've got all the toys but they've got all the batteries and that's why we gotta mess with 'em...

If size doesn't matter, how come my girlfriend's toy isn't three inches and crooked?


Babies are like poems. They're beautiful to their creator, but to other people they're silly and Loving irritating.

I couldn't be a responsible enough parent if my kid was born with a new suit and a full-time job.

Jesus died for your sins. I'm doing it for your mere entertainment dollar.

- doug stanhope



If you're choking in a restaurant you can just say the magic words, "Heimlich maneuver," and all will be well. Trouble is, it's difficult to say "Heimlich maneuver" when you're choking to death.

Before birds get sucked into jet engines, do they ever think, "Is that Rod Stewart in first class?"

Because we all know one of the main factors of war is the element of surprise. And what could be more surprising than the First Batallion Transvestite Brigade? Airborne Wing.

(re: British actors playing all the bad guys on the Death Star)

(1)What is it Lt. Sebastian? (2)It’s the Rebels, sir. They’re here. (1)My God, man. Do they want tea? (2)No, I think there after something more than that, sir. I don’t know what it is, but they’ve brought a flag.


--eddie izzard


Any American who is prepared to run for president should automatically, by definition, be disqualified from ever doing so.

Style is knowing who you are, what you want to say, and not giving a damn.

-- gore vidal

[Arne]

One I coined myself is: "A hand in a bush is worth 2 birds"....

I made up another one, if it comes to mind, I'll post it.

[Gaelen]

Well-behaved women seldom make history. Laurel Thatcher Ulrich

[Jst83]

If the women don't find you hansom they should at least find you handy ~~~ Red Green

[Jst83]

If today were perfect there would be no need for tomorrow.

[sitnievasnie]

Hi all

Bin doin this since high school

When the going get's tough....... The tough get going......

And the clever go someplace else

Warren

[swissarmygirl]

If the women don't find you hansom they should at least find you handy ~~~ Red Green

I haven't seen Red Green in forever!

[Elumia]

If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.....

[Jst83]

If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.....

That's the story of the day before a gathering for me

[sitnievasnie]

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office: 'Dr. Jones, at your cervix.'

In a Podiatrist's office: 'Time wounds all heels.'

On a Septic Tank Truck: Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck: 'Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises

At a Proctologist's door: 'To expedite your visit, please back in.'

On a Plumber's truck: 'We repair what your husband fixed.'

On another Plumber's truck: 'Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.'

On a Church's Bill board: '7 days without God makes one weak.'

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee: 'Invite us to your next blowout.'

At a Towing company: 'We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.'

On an Electrician's truck: 'Let us remove your shorts.'

In a Nonsmoking Area: 'If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.'

On a Maternity Room door: 'Push. Push. Push.'

At an Optometrist's Office: 'If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.'

On a Taxidermist's window: 'We really know our stuff.'

On a Fence: 'Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!'

At a Car Dealership: 'The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.'

Outside a Muffler Shop: 'No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.'

In a Veterinarian's waiting room: 'Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!'

At the Electric Company 'We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be.'

In a Restaurant window: 'Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.'

In the front yard of a Funeral Home: 'Drive carefully. We'll wait.'

At a Propane Filling Station: 'Thank heaven for little grills.'

and don't forget the sign at a CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP: 'Best place in town to take a leak.'

Warren

[planovet]

In a Veterinarian's waiting room: 'Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!'

[tupelosue]

If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people???

This is a great thread, good job, Warpony!

[swissarmygirl]

I saw one outside a muffler shop that said, "Our work is exhausting"

[Hermit]

i have this one and i love it, not telated to td's in any way though

"The woman must bear children and the man must be tattooed." Polynesian Proverb

[Wimperdink]

Don't eat the yellow snow.