Budget Cuts

[toypusher]

Lots of budget cuts going on everywhere. Just wondering if all youse workin' stiffs have seen this memo:


EFFECTIVE AUGUST 1, 2008

NEW OFFICE POLICY

Dress Code:

1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.


Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break:
* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.

* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.


The Management

Pass this on to all who are employed!

[starleen2]

hey, i got that memo from coporate latst week!

[MrBuzz]

It would be funnier if it weren't true. Several of those items have shown up in our company in one form or another.
That's to close to the reality of working in the private sector these days.
You could add a bullet point for the annual 15% increase in health insurance premiums...and BTW you better not get sick and actually file a health care claim because that effects the rate the entire company gets!

[planovet]

Only 5 minutes for lunch??

[Dean_A]

Makes me glad I'm self-employed. The boss can be a real jerk sometimes, but at least the hours are flexible.

[swissarmygirl]

Makes me very happy to not be working in the corporate world anymore, because yes it is very true!

[caseydog]

Wow, you get lunch breaks. Luxury!

CD

[toypusher]

Wow, you get lunch breaks. Luxury!

CD

Your boss is just too much af a Hard A$$!!!

[dreadcptflint]

Yeah, our company does that except it felt the need to cut personal days out. Time off is only reserved for the unemployeed.