Humor of the Day

[Muggnz]

This is written on a number plate surround that my father gave me for xmas.

Dogs have owners
Cats have staff



Now if only I could convince my employer not to catch mice . . .

[planovet]

Unfortunate ad pairings...

[tonyj]

The FBI has a new way to track potential terrorists' online activity:
http://users.chartertn.net/tonytemplin/FBI_eyes/

[wanders]

The 1st Affair:

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.

"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."

"You lying bastard!

You've been playing golf!"


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The 2nd Affair:

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?"

The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "Not this time!"


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The 3rd Affair:

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!

"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity."

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.

"I have to show you something you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.

"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead?!?!"


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The 4th Affair:

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."

She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.

"Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue."

"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh it's a statue." she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too."

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

"Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing."


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The 5th Affair:

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

"Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent."

"One Cent?" the man thought.

He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"

"A nickel," the barman replied.

"A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."

The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"

The bartender replied,

"The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."


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The 6th Affair:

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess."

"There's no need to," his wife replied.

"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"

"I know, I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work."

[Gaston]

Candidate Obama gave a rousing speech to 2,000,000 cheering Germans and the French surrendered again just in case

[Ivar the Red]

My first attempt at the humor of the day thing. I hope it was worth the wait...

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping thru the forest road when she sees
The big bad wolf crouched down behind a log.
'My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf.'
The wolf jumps up and runs away.
Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again,
and this time he is crouched behind a bush.
'My what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf.'
Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.
About 1/4 mile down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf
again and this time he is crouched down behind a rock.
'My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf.'
With that the wolf jumps up and screams, 'Will you knock it off,
I'm trying to poop!'

[Ivar the Red]

In honor of the up coming football season...

A Texas family of football supporters head out one Saturday to the
outlet mall to do their tax-free back to school shopping. While in the
sports shop the son picks up an Oklahoma jersey and says to his older
sister, "I've decided to become a Sooner fan and I would like to wear
this to school".
His big sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him round the
head and says, "Go talk to mother".
Off goes the little lad with the Oklahoma jersey in hand and finds his
mother.
"Mom?"
"Yes son?"
"I've decided I'm going to be an Oklahoma fan and I would like to buy
this jersey".
The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him around the head and
says, "Go talk to your father!"
Off he goes with the Oklahoma Jersey in hand and finds his father.
"Dad?"
"Yes son?"
"I've decided I'm going to be an Oklahoma fan and I would like to buy
this jersey".
The father is outraged and promptly whacks his son around the head and
says, "No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT CRAP!"
About half an hour later they're all back in the car and heading
towards home.
The father turns to his son and says "Son, I hope you've learned
something today?"
The son says, "Yes, Dad, I have."
"Good son, what is it?"
To which the son replies, "I've only been a Oklahoma fan for an hour
and
I already hate you Texas bastards."

[Gaston]

You've been waiting for them, so without further ado here are
the 2008 Darwin awards.

Eighth Place
In Detroit , a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet
of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate
to retrieve his car keys.

Seventh Place

A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who 'totally zoned when
he ran,' accidentally, jogged
off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.

Sixth Place

While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for
protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the
bottom when it t collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People
on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but
could not reach him.
It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to
free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.

Fifth Place

Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling
of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long
flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep
his hands free rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the
floor.

Fourth Place

Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with
friends who said he would not put
a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the
trigger.

Third Place

After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the
front door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms int ent on robbing
the store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was
standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber
announced a hold-up, and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol.
The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers
also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the
scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended
cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot
wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one
else was hurt.

HONORABLE MENTION

Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving
around at 2 A.M. so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the
window to see what would happen. Apparen tly they failed to notice the
window was closed.

RUNNER UP

Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of
them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge
in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least
10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival
at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a
bungee rope.
Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out
that a coil of lineman's cable, lay near by. They secured one end around
Bingham's leg and then tied the other to the bridge. His fall lasted 40
feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He
miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two
nearby fishermen. Bingham's foot was n ever located.

AND THE WINNER IS...

Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt ( Paderborn , Germany ) fed his
constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel
of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got
relief.
Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to
give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast
unloaded. The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation
knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock
as the elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him.

It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves..
'sh** happens'.

THEY WALK AMOUNG US....
IT ALWAYS SEEMS IMPORTANT TO THANK THESE PEOPLE FOR REMOVING
THEMSELVES FROM THE GENE POOL.

[bledsoe3]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RNgsLMU2ZuM

[Muggnz]

The Bunny and the Snake

Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny
and an orphaned snake. By coincidence both were blind from birth.
One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest and tripped over the snake
and fell down.

"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you.
I've been blind since birth and can't see where I'm going. In fact, since
I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."
"That's ok," replied the snake. "Actually, I too, have been blind since
birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither
all over you, and figure out what you are so you'll know.
"That would be wonderful" replied the bunny.
So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered
with soft fur, you have really long ears, your nose twitches, and you have a
soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit."
"Oh, thank you, thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious excitement.
The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my
paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me."
So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're smooth and
slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls.
I'd say you must be a team leader, a supervisor or possibly someone in
senior management.



david

[traveler]

Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge. The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child. The winner was:
A four year old child, whose next store neighbor was an elderly gentleman, who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap and just sat there. When his mother asked him what he had said to the neighbor, the little bot said, 'Nothing, I just helped him cry.'

[Sonetpro]

For those men who may be regular Home Depot customers.

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your stuff into the vehicle. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to Lowes.

You agree and they get in the backseat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen June 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th & 29th. Also July 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th,16th, 23rd, 26th, 30th, three times last Saturday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful. P.S. WalMart has wallets on sale for $2.99.

[Sonetpro]

I went into the gas station today and asked for five dollars worth of gas.....
The clerk farted and gave me a receipt.

[Nitetimes]

A Fish Story


The Presidential election was too close to call. Neither the Republican candidate nor the Democratic candidate had enough votes to win. There was much talk about ballot recounting, court challenges, etc., but a week-long ice fishing competition seemed the sportsmanlike way to settle things. The candidate that caught the most fish at the end of the week would win the election.

Therefore, it was decided that there should be an ice fishing contest between the two candidates to determine the winner.

After much of back and forth discussion, it was decided that the contest take place on a remote frozen lake in northern Minnesota.

There were to be no observers present, and both men were to be sent out separately on this isolated lake and return at 5 P.M. with their catch for counting and verification by a team of neutral parties. At the end of the first day, John Mc. returned to the starting line and he had ten fish.

Soon, Obama returned and had no fish. Well, everyone assumed he was just having another 'bad hair' day or something and hopefully, he would catch up the next day.

At the end of the 2nd day John Mc. came in with 20 fish and Obama came in again with none.

That evening, Harry Reid got together secretly with Obama and said, ’Obama, I think John Mc. is a low-life, cheating' son-of-a-gun. I want you to go out tomorrow and don't even bother with fishing. Just spy on him and see just how he is cheating.'

The next night (after John Mc. returns with 50 fish), Harry said to Obama,
'Well, tell me, how is John Mc. cheating?'

Obama replied, 'Harry, you're not going to believe this, but he's cutting holes in the ice.'

**Experience Counts*

[traveler]

A blonde went into a bank in New York and asks for a loan officer, she is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the they will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz SL500. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank. She has the title, and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy and good laugh at the blonde for using a $100,000 car as collateral against a $5000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the car to the bank's underground garage and parks it.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns. She pays the $5000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, 'Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5000?'

The blonde replies, 'Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?'

At last, a SMART blonde joke