Humor of the Day

[Sonetpro]

http://i48.photobucket.com/albums/f246/ ... listen.flv

[TheBizMan]

Lucky for him the gun wasn't loaded.

[caseydog]

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it , no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

[Muggnz]

A big mining company recently hired several cannibals. 'You
are all part of our team now', said the HR manager during
the welcoming briefing. 'You get all the usual benefits and
you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but
please don't eat any of the other employees'.

The cannibals promised they would not.

Four weeks later their boss remarked, 'You're all working
very hard, and I'm satisfied with you. However, one of our
Admin girls has disappeared. Do any of you know what
happened to her?'

The cannibals all shook their heads indicating 'no'.

After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said
to the others, 'Which one of you idiots ate the Admin
chick?'

A hand rose hesitantly, to which the leader of the
cannibals continued, 'You fool!!!!! For four weeks we've
been eating Managers and Supervisors and no one noticed
anything, but noooooo, you had to go and eat someone
important!!!!

[Nitetimes]

*An email from Ireland to all of their brethren in the States...a point to ponder despite your political affiliation: *

'We, in Ireland , can't figure out why you people are even bothering to hold an election in the United States . On one side, you had a pants wearing female lawyer, married to another lawyer who can't seem to keep his pants on, who just lost a long and heated primary against a lawyer, who goes to the wrong church, who is married to yet another lawyer, who doesn't even like the country her husband wants to run! Now...On the other side, you have a nice old war hero whose name starts with the appropriate 'Mc' terminology, married to a good looking younger woman who owns a beer distributorship!! What in God's name are ya lads thinkin' over in the colonies !

[toypusher]

*An email from Ireland to all of their brethren in the States...a point to ponder despite your political affiliation: *

'We, in Ireland , can't figure out why you people are even bothering to hold an election in the United States . On one side, you had a pants wearing female lawyer, married to another lawyer who can't seem to keep his pants on, who just lost a long and heated primary against a lawyer, who goes to the wrong church, who is married to yet another lawyer, who doesn't even like the country her husband wants to run! Now...On the other side, you have a nice old war hero whose name starts with the appropriate 'Mc' terminology, married to a good looking younger woman who owns a beer distributorship!! What in God's name are ya lads thinkin' over in the colonies !

[caseydog]

*An email from Ireland to all of their brethren in the States...a point to ponder despite your political affiliation: *

Republican Convention Schedule

Minneapolis, MN

4:00 PM - Opening Prayers and Massages Administered by Rev. Ted Haggard
4:05 PM - Presentation of Confederate Colors
4:10 PM - Pledge of Allegiance to 9/11
4:15 PM - Invocation of John McCain's POW Experience
4:30 PM - George W. Bush Speech on Legacy of Peace and Prosperity, Canceled
4:45 PM - Dick Cheney Instructional Seminar on Waterboarding, Canceled
5:00 PM - Karl Rove Speech on Government Accountability, Canceled
5:15 PM - Tribute to the U.S. Constitution, Canceled
5:30 PM - VP Beauty Contest and Swimsuit Competition, featuring Sarah Palin, Condoleezza Rice, and Rudy Giuliani
5:45 PM - Tribute Film to John McCain's Houses
6:00 PM - Free Jack Abramoff Pep Rally
6:15 PM - Free Tom DeLay Pep Rally
6:30 PM - Free Ted Stevens Pep Rally
6:45 PM - Invocation of John McCain's POW Experience
7:00 PM - VP Briefing Session: The Busy Mom's Guide to Battling Islamic Terrorism
7:15 PM - Larry Craig "Family Values" Lecture and Toe-Tapping Exhibition
7:30 PM - Restroom Break
7:45 PM - Invitation to "Strip Down and Get Relaxed," delivered by Mark Foley via Instant Message
8:00 PM - Lecture on the Effectiveness of Abstinence-Only Education – Sarah Palin
8:15 PM - Accidental Reference to "Obama bin Laden"
8:30 PM - Tribute to a "Nation of Whiners" – McCain Economic Adviser Phil Gramm
8:45 PM - Invocation of John McCain's POW Experience
9:00 PM - Group Sing–Along: "Bomb Bomb Bomb, Bomb Bomb Iran"
9:15 PM - Mitt Romney Endorsement of Jockey Underwear
9:30 PM - Joke Interlude: McCain Tells the One About the Lawyer and the Catfish
9:45 PM - Rallying Call to "Drill Here, Drill Now," Followed by Unveiling of an Oil Rig on Speaker's Platform
10:00 PM - Halliburton Seminar: Profiting from the Next 100 Years of War in Iraq
10:15 PM - Parade of Alaskan Delegates Across Glitter-Encrusted Bridge to Nowhere, led by Sarah Palin
10:30 PM - Ceremonial Shattering of Glass Ceiling with Shotgun Blast Fired by Palin
11:00 PM - John McCain Acceptance Speech and Plea to Delegates to "Get Off My Lawns"
11:30 PM - Closing Invocation of John McCain's POW Experience
12:00 AM - Rapture and Farewell to Bush and Cheney

~By Daniel Kurtzman
http://politicalhumor.about.com/library ... hedule.htm

[Sam I am]

Rich, that's hilarious!
Casey, I get a chuckle out of all the conventions. They seem like glorified and very expensive pep rallies! Go team!
Sam

[profrog]

OK, "The Evil One" is out of town so I feel pretty safe posting this. I don't write 'em, I just pass 'em on the way I find 'em.

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down. Finally, the guys’ side of the story. We always hear “the rules” from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note...these are all numbered “1” ON PURPOSE!


1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem... See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of them makes you sad or angry, then we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle, besides we know you will bring it up again later.

1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... really.

1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight. But did you know men really don’t mind that? It’s like camping.

[Joseph]

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

"Frank Bama once said that the best navigators never know where they are until they get there, and then they're still not sure. Christopher Columbus thought Cuba was China, for God's sake!" Jimmy Buffett

Joseph

[swissarmygirl]

Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?

BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a change! The chicken wanted change!

JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure - right from Day One! - that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road
But then, this really isn't about me.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us.
There is no middle ground here.

DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken. What is your definition of crossing?
AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road.
What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level.
No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth? That's why they call it the 'other side'. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side.' That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

BILL GATES: I have just released e-Chicken-2008, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of e-Chicken-2008. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@& &^(C%........... reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

[cccamper]

OK, "The Evil One" is out of town so I feel pretty safe posting this. I don't write 'em, I just pass 'em on the way I find 'em.

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down. Finally, the guys’ side of the story. We always hear “the rules” from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note...these are all numbered “1” ON PURPOSE!

snip snip
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

snip snip

Nearly fell off the sofa laughing! If she's not a bimbo and knows why American "Indians" are called Indians, it's not gonna work!

But now I know why there is no excuse available for the directions thing. The Justification is off!



e . . . .

[cccamper]

My nephew in Peachtree City, GA sent this when he was a little boy.


Why did the chicken cross the road?


To prove to the possums it COULD be done!


And that is the most reasonable scenario I've ever heard. Although it is not as funny as swissarmygirl's!!!

e . . . . .

[rbeemer]

Gentle thoughts for today.

Birds of a feather flock together and poop on your car.

When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

A penny saved is a government oversight.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.


He who hesitates is probably right.

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are ' XL.'

If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs?'

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper. It's worse when you forget to pull it down.

Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf.

Change is what happens when the pain of holding on becomes greater than the fear of letting go.



Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth...AMEN!

[Kevin A]

An exercise for the over 60s

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of
room at each side. With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your
arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you
can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit
longer.


After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks.

Next try 50-lb. potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you
can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight
for more than a full minute.



After you feel confident at that level: put a potato in each sack.