Humor of the Day

[halfdome, Danny]

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace

expensive.....so, I took her to a gas station..... and that's how the

fight started....

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I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for

$14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told

her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold

cream....... And that's how the fight started.




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After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for

Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my

driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and

realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was

very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The

woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That

silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed

my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my

wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said,

'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten

disability, too'...... And that's how the fight started.....




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My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and

I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone

at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I

sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we

split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on

celebrating that long?'...... And that's how the fight started.....




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I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road

and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how

sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over

to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!' So, I

looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'.......

And that's how the fight started.....




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I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my

order first. 'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.' He

said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?' 'Nah, she can order for

herself.'...... And that's how the fight started.....

[Bristol Delica]

John McCain decided to take his strategy team out for a farewell meal.

At the restaurant he was seated at the head of the table and the waiter asked for his order to which McCain replied "I'll have a pork chop, followed by a rare T-bone steak with a side order of ham"

The waiter said "But sir, what about the vegetables?" to which Mr. McCain replied "Oh, they can all have the same as me"

[traveler]

DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: ' how much do I cost?'

[traveler]

Susan (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. ' PLease don't give me this juice again,' she said, 'It makes my teeth cough.'

[traveler]

James(age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His Dad read: ' The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.' Concerned, James asked: ' What happened to the flea?'

[caseydog]

Well, it's official -- the people of Denver prefer Bacon over Fries by 63 to 37 percent.





I hope this doesn't break the "no politics" rule

CD

[starleen2]

MIRABILE DICTU! – (Latin for “Things it took me over 30 years to learn”)

* Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative
on the same night.
* If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
* There is a very fine line between a hobby and mental illness.
* People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
* Never lick a steak knife.
* You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
* There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
* The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above average drivers.
* A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
* Your friends love you anyway.

[planovet]

The Sensitive Man

A woman meets a man in a bar.

They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.

They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment. She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way across the top shelf.

She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears. She is quite impressed by his sensitive side, but doesn't mention this to him.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking, 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one!

Maybe he could be the future father of my children. She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips, he responds warmly.

They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.

The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, 'Well, how was it?'

The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:

'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf'

[annalbs]

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders.

The guard stops him and says, "What''s in the bags?"

"Sand," answered Juan.The guard says, "We'll just see about that get off the bike." The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand.

He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.

The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man''s shoulders, and lets him cross the border.A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?"

"Sand," says Juan.The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand.He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.

This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico."Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about..... I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"

Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."

[annalbs]

A city slicker shoots a duck out in the country. As he's retrieving it, a farmer walks up and stops him, claiming that since the duck is on his farm, it technically belongs to him. After minutes of arguing, the farmer proposes they settle the matter "country style."

"What's country style?" asks the city boy.

"Out here in the country," the farmer says, "when two fellers have a dispute, one feller kicks the other one in the balls as hard as he can. Then that feller, he kicks the first one as hard as he can. And so forth. Last man standin' wins the dispute."

Warily the city boy agrees and prepares himself. The farmer hauls off and kicks him in the groin with all his might. The city boy falls to the ground in the most intense pain he's ever felt, crying like a baby and coughing up blood. Finally he staggers to his feet and says, "All right, n-now it's–it's m-my turn."

The farmer grins. "Aw, hell, you win. Keep the duck."

[annalbs]

Top 13 Worst Slogan Translations Ever
-------------------------

13) When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "It won’t leak in your pocket and embarrass you." The company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won’t leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."

12) Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: "Nothing Sucks like an Electrolux."

11) Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick," a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "Manure Stick."

10) Coors put its slogan, "Turn It Loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer From Diarrhea."

9) Pepsi’s "Come Alive With the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back From the Grave" in Chinese.

When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the smiling baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the labels of what’s inside, since many people can’t read.

7) Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.

6) Frank Perdue’s chicken slogan, "It takes a strong man to make a tender chicken," was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate."

5) When American Airlines wanted to advertise its new leather first class seats in the Mexican market, it translated its "Fly In Leather" campaign literally, which meant "Fly Naked" (vuela en cuero) in Spanish.

4) An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope’s visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope"(el Papa), the shirts read "I Saw the Potato" (la papa).

3) The Dairy Association’s huge success with the campaign "Got Milk?" prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought to their attention the Spanish translation read "Are You Lactating?"

2) General Motors had a very famous fiasco in trying to market the Nova car in Central and South America. "No va" in Spanish means, "It Doesn’t Go".

1) The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Kekoukela" meaning "Bite the Wax Tadpole" or "Female Horse Stuffed with Wax", depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "kokoukole", translating into "Happiness in the Mouth."

[Joseph]

Top 13 Worst Slogan Translations Ever

If you like these, try Engrish Funny. Warning: the F word shows up a lot.

Joseph

[caseydog]

Funny, but at the same time, hard to watch (for men, anyway)...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tm6cqpJv ... g/page/12/

[planovet]

Funny, but at the same time, hard to watch (for men, anyway)...

That's going to leave a mark!

[bledsoe3]

I didn't think that was funny at all.