Colonoscopy humor...

[48Rob]

Colonoscopies - by Dave Barry



Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for
the Miami Herald.

This is from newshound Dave Barry's colonoscopy
journal:

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to
make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in
his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a
lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one
point passing briefly through Minneapolis . Then Andy
explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough,
reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I
didn't really hear anyt hing he said, because my brain
was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE
17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions,
and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,'
which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven.
I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it
to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of
America 's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around
being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I
began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I
didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was
chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less
f lavor. Then, in the evening, I took th e MoviPrep. You mix
two packets of powder together in a one-liter
plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For
; those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32
gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes
about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being
kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with
just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody
with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it,
'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.' This
is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof,
you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too&nbs p;
graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle
launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with
you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the
commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty
much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You
eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be
totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep,
at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel
into the future and start eliminating food that you have not
even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.
The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very
nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I
had been experiencing occasional return bouts of Mov iPrep
spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on
Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something
like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I
understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the
forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other
colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained
space and took off my clothes and put on one of those
hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind
that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked
than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in
my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie
was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddi e also
told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At
first I was ticked off that I hadn't t hought of this is,
but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself
too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering
around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but
to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the
procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an
anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I
knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was
seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on
my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking
something up to the needle in my hand. There was music
playing in the room, and I realized that th e song was
'Dancing Queen' by ABBA I remarked to Andy that,
of all the songs that could be playing during this
particu lar procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the
least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from
somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it
was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a
decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I
am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it
was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment,
ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the
tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the
other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was
looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt
excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me
that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with
flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal
organ.


On the subject of Colonoscopies...
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the
exam were quite humorous.... A physician claimed that the
following are actual comments made by his patients
(predominately male) while he was performing their
colonoscopies:

1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone
before!

2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'

6 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!

10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'

And the best one of all...

13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?

[Wimperdink]

Ok... That one had me in stitches with the comments on the end. Its been awhile since I felt compelled to comment on a joke. WTG

[BILLYL]

O SO TRUE- SO TRUE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Great

Bill

[t-vicky]

I went to the doctor about the arthritis in my knee & guess where he thought he had to look.....

[starleen2]

I guess we got down to the"bottom" of that subject! :rofl::rofl:

[Gaelen]

we did. Homer Simpson having a colonoscopy during StandUp2Cancer's broadcast was pretty funny too, but I don't think I can link that here.

Now--after you're all finished laughing, please do all of yourselves a favor and go get screened. And if you have a family history of either colorectal or breast cancer, don't wait for symptoms or until you're 50. Just go get scoped.

It would be a lot happier to meet you at a gathering than to meet any of you walking down the road I've been traveling since April, 2004.

Gaelen, stage IV rectal cancer survivor, diagnosed at age 48, hoping to hear that I'm back in remission after five chemo regimens, three surgeries and radiation...

http://gaelenscafe.blogspot.com/

[PresTx82]

God bless you Gaelen. I'll say a little prayer for you. Cancer is a serious disease that doesn't discriminate.

[BillandMarijo]

we did. Homer Simpson having a colonoscopy during StandUp2Cancer's broadcast was pretty funny too, but I don't think I can link that here.

Now--after you're all finished laughing, please do all of yourselves a favor and go get screened. And if you have a family history of either colorectal or breast cancer, don't wait for symptoms or until you're 50. Just go get scoped.

It would be a lot happier to meet you at a gathering than to meet any of you walking down the road I've been traveling since April, 2004.

Gaelen, stage IV rectal cancer survivor, diagnosed at age 48, hoping to hear that I'm back in remission after five chemo regimens, three surgeries and radiation...

http://gaelenscafe.blogspot.com/

Gaelen,
Amen and God bless you.
Anyone 50 and over. Please get screened. My father thought it was just too invasive. Well after a 9 year battle hes gone. Marijos mother died 1 year before my father did from Colon cancer that went undectected and spread all through her, she lasted 6 weeks to the day she was diagnosed.. You can bet I get screened. Marijo got screened when she turned 50 and yes you guessed it removed a nice pea sized polyp that would have turned to cancer a few years down the road. She continues getting screened every three years.
Theres nothing to it. The preps the worst part. Your asleep for the proceedure. Get checked people. It will save your life.
Bill and Marijo

[CASHCOW]

Thanks for the laugh... I swear, it was like reliving my own colonoscopy.

I guess this is ROFL funny to those who have had the intimate experience with "17,000 foot" projectile

Mike says to tell yall that the only thing he kept thinking about was when he had drank all that wonderful, tasty lemonlime drink....and drive 60 miles one way.... to find that the DOC WAS NOT IN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Had to do it all over a few days later.

Seriously, if you havent been screened , please get scheduled..... It can and will save lives............

Mike's sister refused to get screened and she died from colon cancer a couple of years later.......... so sad.......

[Roly Nelson]

Oh boy, I can relate to that. Thanks for the jovial discription of the whole proceedure. My dad told me that he would never let any doctor put his finger "in there", let alone any kind of hose and camera. Well guess what, he died of colon cancer. Being an old timer, I get it done about every 3 years, and can't believe what a good job that awful mixture you have to drink, really cleans out your innards.

If I am able to remain alert enough, I enjoy seeing what my insides look like and the camera slips along on it's endless journey, capturing a rarely seen view, and am a firm believer that all of those bogus colon cleansing commercials are just a scam. How can you have 5 lbs of "trapped" solids in that absolutely pristeen, pink tunnel (after swallowing the "stuff" and firing off vollies of crap into the porclean throne?)

I always stop by the Sees Candy store and get a couple of pounds of candy and send it to the "Super-Duper-Pooper-Scoopers" at the doctors offfice. The gals just love me for it......and can't wait 'till next time. Bottom line, Get-er-done, if may save your life.
Keep smiling...........Roly

[Mike C.]

Great Rob.....now I need to clean my monitor and keyboard. Shouldn't have been reading and dinking Coke at the same time. Shot Coke out my nose when I read the comments at the end. But my sinuses feel better.

[Siobhra]

My brother was with me when my doctor said I should get one. I told him that since I am a girl I don't need one. He said I do need one.

My brother put the pressure on me to get one so I countered that I would get my colon checked right after my mammogram. If and only if HE gets a mammogram and a colon check.

I felt safe thinking I would not have to have any check. But my brother took me up on it. The doctor found something that he wants to keep an eye on with me. My brother is having his breast operated on.

Fellows, we need to have everything checked. All of us.

[Joseph]

I had a "virtual colonoscopy" a few years back. Much less intrusive though if they find a polyp they can't do anything about it the way they can with a regular one. Fortunately I didn't have any.

Guess I'm about due again.

Joseph

[Miriam C.]

I had a "virtual colonoscopy" a few years back. Much less intrusive though if they find a polyp they can't do anything about it the way they can with a regular one. Fortunately I didn't have any.

Guess I'm about due again.

Joseph

So what is a "virtual colonoscopy"? This sounds so much better.....

[Ivar the Red]

I thought this would fit in nicely here. Funny...


All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

"I should be in charge," said the brain , "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the blood , "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."

"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."

"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum And insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and theblood Was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.

The Moral of the story? Even though the others do all the work...


The a$$ hole is usually in charge