Humor of the Day

[planovet]

Redneck Seafood

[Kurt (Indiana)]

Subject: Due to the current financial situation

Dear employees,

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of economy, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 40 years of age and above on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination). Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate.


Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).

Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Management.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SH**(Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself on the amount of SH** it gives employees.

Should you feel that you do not receive enough S***, please bring to the attention of your Supervisor. They have been trained to give you all the SH** you can handle.

Management

[planovet]

Ten reasons men prefer guns over women:


#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

# 9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

# 8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

# 7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

# 6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

# 5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

# 4. Guns function normally every day of the month.

# 3. A gun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

# 2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

*****************
And the number one reason a gun is favored over a woman
*****************

# 1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN!!!!

[Mark McD]

Guy walks into his kitchen where his wife is sitting. He's carrying a chicken under his arm. He says, " This is the pig I've been sleeping with for the last ten years." His wife looks at him with a puzzled look and quips- "that's not a pig -it's a chicken". The man turns and walks out of the room and as he leaves he looks back and says " I was talking to the chicken."

That's one of my favorites.

[Anthony J Grant]

Redneck Seafood

What, no tatertots?

Tony

[Ivar the Red]

Ten reasons men prefer guns over women:


#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

# 9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

# 8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

# 7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

# 6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

# 5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

# 4. Guns function normally every day of the month.

# 3. A gun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

# 2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

*****************
And the number one reason a gun is favored over a woman
*****************

# 1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN!!!!

There is another...
If you drop a gun on the floor, it most likely won't go off. If you drop a woman on the floor she will most definitely go off.

[Ivar the Red]

Look it up at snopes.com , it probably never happened. the story has been around for quite sometime & different coutries too. Sounds like it would but after reading snopes you'll see why.

Party pooper.

It's just suppose to be funny.

[planovet]

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW TO A HAPPY LIFE:

1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.

[skippidydooda]

http://ca.youtube.com/watch?v=05ru1l2gN88

[planovet]

[tonyj]

Obviously created by someone with way too much time on their hands! Click on the link, click "Play" and sit back and enjoy.

http://fc01.deviantart.com/fs13/f/2007/077/2/e/Animator_vs__Animation_by_alanbecker.swf

[Roly Nelson]

Two good-ol-boys, having shot a good sized dear, were having a hard time dragging it by the horns, since it got tangled in the bushes. A fellow hunter suggested that they pull it from the other end to prevent the entanglement.

They did so, and one of them mentioned how much easier it was to pull the dear through the woods. The other agreed, but said they sure were getting a long ways away from the truck.
Roly

[Larry & Jill]

Sad Passing

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.
Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.
Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough and three children: John Dough, Jane Dough, and Dosey Doe, plus they had one in the oven.
He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.
The funeral was held at 350 for about 20 minutes.

[greg755]

Advise my father gave me when I told him I proposed to my wife..

"sure son she is pretty alright, but just remember that as time goes on, everything drops but the volume"

My wife told me "you better get in line mister or I'm going to cut you off"
I replied "you cant cut me off, you don't know were I'm getting it from"

Never used that line on wife #2.....

[halfdome, Danny]

Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young
husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance
policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging
to have her killed.

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side
underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.'

Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing
out a spouse was $5,000.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't
have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man
opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside.
Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar
as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Super
Walmart store. There, he surprised her in the produce department &
proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands & as the poor
unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor....... .

The manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly on to the
murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie
had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the
hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who
immediately called the police. Artie was caught & arrested before he
could even leave the store.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the
whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the
hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared ...

(You're going to hate me for this ... )

'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 AT WAL-MART!'