Humor of the Day

[Sparksalot]

Redneck Seafood

[planovet]

As I walked down the busy sidewalk, knowing I was late for church, my eye fell upon one of those unfortunate,
homeless vagabonds that are found in every city these days. Some people turned to stare. Others quickly looked away
as if the sight would somehow contaminate them. Recalling my old pastor, Father Mike, who always admonished me
to 'care for the sick, feed the hungry and clothe the naked,' I was moved by some powerful inner urge to reach out
to this unfortunate person. Wearing what can only be described as rags, carrying every worldly possession in
two plastic bags, my heart was touched by this person's condition. Yes, where some people saw only rags,
I saw a true, hidden beauty.


A small voice inside my head called out, 'Reach out, reach out and touch this person!'












So I did.......












I won't be at church this week....

[Sparksalot]

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?' I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

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My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.' I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started...

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When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started...

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After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...

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My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.' 'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

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I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"" "Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

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A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

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I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And then the fight started....

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My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday

and then the fight started.....

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A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside. The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy crap. That must be my husband!' So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go. A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!' The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'

And then the fight started.....

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Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.' My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'

And then the fight started ...

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I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary? " It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

And that's when the fight started....

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My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?" "No," she answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes." So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started

[Ivar the Red]

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his b est in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and s says, 'I don't c are what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I' m very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'N o, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'

(BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT COMIN!!!)

[Ivar the Red]

A woman had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl.

As she sits down, a man comes by and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to her.
"No," she says, "The seat is empty."
"This is incredible," said the man.
"Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the
world and not use it?"
She says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my husband, but he passed
away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."
"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else --a friend, relative,
or neighbor to take the seat?"
The woman sadly shakes her head. "No, they're all at the funeral."

[Ivar the Red]

SAYING GOOD-BYE TO MOTHER...

You Don't Have To Own A Cat To Appreciate This One!

You don't even have to like 'em!

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Year's Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machineon, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.

We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.

The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.

My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, "He's just going upstairs to say Good-bye to my mother."

A few minutes later, my husband gets into the cab and says as we drove away, "Sorry I took so long, that stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"

The cab driver hit a parked car.

[Ivar the Red]

The Baptist Dinner

A group of country friends from the Cottonwood Baptist Church wanted to get together on a regular basis, socialize, and play games.

The lady of the house was to prepare the meal. When it came time for Al and Janet to be the hosts - Janet wanted to outdo all the others.

So Janet decided to have mushroom-smothered steak. However, knowing that mushrooms are so expensive, she told her husband, 'No mushrooms -- they cost too much.' He said, 'Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty in the creek bed.' She said, 'No, some wild mushrooms are poison.' >

He said, 'Well, I see varmints eating them and they're OK.' So Janet decided to give it a try. She picked a bunch -- washed, sliced, and diced them for her smothered steak. Then she went out on the back porch and gave Ol' Spot (the yard dog) a double handful. Ol' Spot ate every bite.

All morning long, Janet watched Ol' Spot and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use them. The meal was a great success and Janet even hired a lady from town to help her serve it. She had on a white apron and a fancy little cap on her head.

After everyone had finished eating, they relaxed, socialized, and started singing playing some music.

About then, the helper lady from town came in and whispered in Janet's ear. She said, 'Mrs. Williams, Ol' Spot just died.'

Janet went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened. The doctor said, 'That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as possible. I'll give everyone enemas and I will pump out every ones stomach. Everything will be fine.

'Just keep them calm..'

Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road.
The EMTs and the doctor had their suitcases,syringes and a stomach pump.

One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach. After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, 'Done, everything will be fine now, and he left.'

They were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room and about this time, the helper lady came in and said, 'You know, I've been thinking...that fellow that ran over Ol' Spot never even stopped.'

Life Is Uncertain .......... Eat Dessert First.

[Ivar the Red]

[Nitetimes]

Living Will

I,__________________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means.

Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead politicians who couldn't pass ninth grade biology if their lives depended on it, or lawyers/doctors interested in simply running up the bills.

If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least one of the following:

Glass of wine
Cup of coffee
Margarita
Sex
Martini
Cold Beer
Chocolate
Chicken fried steak
Cream gravy
Sex
Mexican food
Chocolate
French fries
Chocolate
Pizza
Sex
Ice cream
Cup of coffee
Chocolate
Chocolate
Sex
Chocolate

It should be presumed that I won't ever get better. When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes, let the 'fat lady sing,' and call it a day!

[Kevin A]

The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.

The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.

Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.

They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately.

The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent.

The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,' on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.

Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords.

They haggled back and forth for about two hours, and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown.

And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max on the controls.

So, now you know...

[Aussiedrops]

The missus was complaining about the size of her breasts and wanted bigger ones.
I said try rubbing some toilet paper between them.
She said will that work?
I said well it worked on your arse.

Dave

[Muggnz]

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in DC: One is from New York, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Florida. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.
The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. 'Well,' he says, 'I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me.'
The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, 'I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me.'
The New York contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, '$2,700.'
The official, incredulous, says, 'You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"
The New York contractor whispers back, '$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence.'
'Done!' replies the government official. And that, my friends, is how government contracting works!

[planovet]

The NFL announced today that for financial reasons
they had to eliminate one team from the league.
So, they've decided to combine the Green Bay Packers
and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and form one team,
causing many layoffs but saving millions of dollars in costs.
They will be known as THE TAMPACKS.

Unfortunately, they're only good for one period,
and have no second string.

[Ivar the Red]

BANNED FROM WAL-MART

This is why women should not take men shopping against
their will.

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on
her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found
shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.

Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women - she
loved to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the
following letter from the local Wal-Mart:

Dear Mrs. Samsel,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing
quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this
behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the
store. Our complaints against Mr. Samsel are listed below
and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them
in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2 . July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go
off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor
leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an
official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right
away. '

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a
bag of M&M's on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to
a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and
told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would
bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him, he
began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people
just leave me alone?'

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and
used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting
department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants
were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while
loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his
'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people
browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME ! PICK ME !'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud
speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH
NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least .

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door,
waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey!
There's no toilet paper in here!'

[Ivar the Red]

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?"



The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you seeFlorida?????"