Humor of the Day

[Muggnz]

**BRITISH HUMOUR**
A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale has hit Pakistan.
Two million Pakistanis have died and over a million are injured. The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with providing help to rebuild.
The rest of the world is in shock.
The USA is sending troops to help.
Saudi Arabia is sending oil.
Latin American countries are sending supplies.
New Zealand is sending sheep, cattle and food crops.
The Asian continents are sending labor to assist in rebuilding infrastructure.
Australia is sending medical teams and supplies.
Britain, not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Pakistanis - God Bless British generosity.

[Ivar the Red]

A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the
next-door neighbor's dog. It has been in the backyard barking for
hours and hours.

The blonde jumps up out of bed and says "I've had
enough of this," and she goes downstairs.
The blonde finally comes back up to bed.
Her husband says, "The dog is still barking. What have
you been doing?"
The blonde says "I put the dog in OUR backyard.
Let's see how THEY like it!

[Muggnz]

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Essex... With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blond jokes when a blond woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting:
'I've heard enough of your stupid blond jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the colour of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? Its men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general... and all in the name of humour!'
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, 'You stay out of this mate! I'm talking to that little rat on your lap!'

[Muggnz]

Q: How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
A: Unique Up On It.
----------
Q: How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
A: Tame Way.
----------
Q: How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest ?
A: They Take The Psychopath
----------
Q: What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
A: Dam!
----------
Q: What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
A: Polaroids
----------
Q: What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A: A Stick

[halfdome, Danny]

Did I like nut another to it send do to better anything have doesn't that person a like this reading time sweet your took you since.
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v







Now read it backwards. Danny

[Nitetimes]

The Final Geico Commercial



Now, where 's that damn duck?

[kevin57]

here's one my sent me from work.

OK Guys, this is how you can get out of going shopping with your wife......Enjoy


BANNED FROM WAL-MART

This is why women should not take men shopping against their will.
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women - she loved to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Wal-Mart:

Dear Mrs. Chapman,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Chapman are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2 . July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.'

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 9: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 14: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least ..

15. October 16: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!'

This is too funny NOT to share.

[caseydog]

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?"



The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you seeFlorida?????"

I wonder if being able to see the moon from Alaska would qualify Governor Palin to be the head of NASA?





Sorry, I couldn't resist.

[caseydog]

Okay, a bipartisan joke...

Bill Clinton, George Bush, a spectacular looking blonde woman and an enormously large woman with an unfriendly scowl are in a train car. The train passes through a tunnel, and in the darkness the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. As the train pulls out of the tunnel, the daylight reveals a big red slap mark on Clinton's cheek.

The blonde thinks: "That rascal Clinton wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who must have slapped his face"

The fat lady thinks: "That dirty old Bill Clinton touched the blonde and she smacked him."

Bill Clinton thinks: "George put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me."

George Bush thinks: "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack Clinton again."

CD

[Joseph]

The Final Geico Commercial



Now, where 's that damn duck?

I kinda liked this one:


Joseph

[Joseph]

I wonder if being able to see the moon from Alaska would qualify Governor Palin to be the head of NASA?

It's sad when voters can't tell the difference between a actual candidate and an actress portraying her in a SNL skit. I guess the joke is on us.

Joseph

[planovet]

MORNING SEX

She was standing in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in almost awake, she turned and said softly, 'You've got to make love to me this very moment.'

My eyes lit up and I thought, 'I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day.'

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all, right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove, her 'T' shirt still around her neck.

A little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all about?'

She explained, 'The egg timer's broken.

And then the fight started..

[Miriam C.]

::: BREAKING NEWS :::




In 2009 the government will start





deporting all the mentally ill people.




I started crying when I thought of you.







Run my little crazy friend, run!








Well, what can I say ???


Someone sent it to me,



and dammit,


I'm NOT going alone !!!




Have a Nice Day!!!

[Muggnz]

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Xmas gift. The next year, he didn't buy her a gift. When she asked him why, he replied, 'Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!'
And that's how the fight started...

[Nitetimes]

A man returns home a day early from a business trip.
It's after midnight.
While en route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act.

For $100, the cabby agrees.
Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tiptoe into the bedroom.

The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man!

The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouts,
'Don 't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.

HE paid for the Corvette I gave you.

HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.

HE paid for your season Pittsburgh Steelers tickets.

HE paid for our house at the lake.

HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!'

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks
over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do?

The cabby replies, 'I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches cold."