The following gem is by Douglas Adams of "Hitchhiker's Guide to the
Galaxy"fame. It is an amazing insight into Australia for any
potential visitor - if you know one this may assist in preparing
them, or help you prepare yourself!
Australia is a very confusing place, taking up a large amount of the
bottom half of the planet. It is recognizable from orbit because of
many unusual features, including what at first looks like an
enormous bite taken out of its southern edge; a wall of sheer cliffs
which plunge deep into the girting sea. Geologists assure us that
this is simply an accident of geomorphology and plate tectonics, but
they still call it the "Great Australian Bight" proving that not
only are they covering up a more frightening theory but they can't
spell either!
The first of the confusing things about Australia is the status of
the place. Where other land masses and sovereign lands are
classified as either continent, island, or country, Australia is
considered all three. Typically, it is unique in this.
The second confusing thing about Australia are the animals. They can
be divided into three categories: Poisonous, Odd, and Sheep. It is
true that of the 10 most poisonous arachnids on the planet,
Australia has 9 of them. Actually, it would be more accurate to say
that of the 9 most poisonous arachnids, Australia has all of them.
However there are curiously few snakes, possibly because the spiders
have killed them all.
But even the spiders won't go near the sea. Any visitors should be
careful to check inside boots (before putting them on), under toilet
seats (before sitting down) and generally everywhere else. A stick
is very useful for this task.
At this point, we would like to mention the Platypus - estranged
relative of the mammal, which has a duck-bill, otter's tail, webbed
feet, lays eggs, detects its aquatic prey in the same way as the
electric eel and has venomous barbs attached to its hind legs, thus
combining all 'typical' Australian attributes into a single
improbable creature.
The last confusing thing about Australia is the inhabitants.
First, a short history:
Sometime around 40,000 years ago, some people arrived in boats from
the north. They ate all the available food, and a lot of them died.
The ones who survived learned respect for the balance of nature,
man's proper place in the scheme of things and spiders. They settled
in and spent a lot of the intervening time making up strange stories.
Then, around 200 years ago, Europeans arrived in boats from the
north. More accurately, European convicts were sent, with a few
deranged and stupid people in charge. They tried to plant their
crops in Autumn (failing to take account of the reversal of the
seasons when moving from the top half of the planet to the bottom),
ate all their food, and a lot of them died.
About then the sheep arrived, and have been treasured ever since. It
is interesting to note here that the Europeans always consider
themselves vastly superior to any other race they encounter, since
they can lie, cheat, steal, and litigate (marks of a civilised
culture they say) - whereas all the Aboriginals can do is happily
survive being left in the middle of a vast red-hot desert, equipped
with a stick.
Eventually, the new lot of people stopped being Europeans on
Extended Holiday and became Australians. The changes are subtle, but
deep, caused by the mind-stretching expanses of nothingness and
eerie quiet, where a person can sit perfectly still and look deep
inside themselves to the core of their essence, their reasons for
being, and the necessity of checking inside your boots every morning
for fatal surprises. They also picked up the most finely tuned sense
of irony in the world, and the Aboriginal gift for making up
stories. Be warned.
There is also the matter of the beaches. Australian beaches are
simply the nicest and best in the entire world. Although anyone
actually venturing into the sea will have to contend with sharks,
stinging jellyfish, stonefish (a fish which sits on the bottom of
the sea, pretends to be a rock and has venomous barbs sticking out
of its back that will kill just from the pain) and surfboarders.
However, watching a beach sunset is worth the risk As a result of
all this hardship, dirt, thirst and wombats, you would expect
Australians to be a dour lot. Instead, they are genial, jolly,
cheerful and always willing to share a kind word with a stranger.
Faced with insurmountable odds and impossible problems, they smile
disarmingly and look for a stick. Major engineering feats have been
performed with sheets of corrugated iron, string, and mud. Alone of
all the races on earth, they seem to be free from the 'Grass is
Greener on the other side of the fence' syndrome, and roundly
proclaim that Australia is, in fact, the other side of that fence.
They call the land "Oz", "Godzone" (a verbal contraction of "God's
Own Country") and "Best bloody place on earth, bar none, strewth."
The irritating thing about this is they may be right.
There are some traps for the unsuspecting traveler, though. Do not,
under any circumstances, suggest that the beer is imperfect, unless
you are comparing it to another kind of Australian beer. Do not wear
a Hawaiian shirt. Religion and Politics are fairly safe topics of
conversation, but Sport is a minefield.
The only correct answer to "So, howdya' like our country, eh?" is
"Best (insert your own regional swear word here) country in the
world!". It is very likely that, on arriving, some cheerful
Australians will 'adopt' you on your first night, and take you to a
pub where Australian Beer is served. Despite the obvious danger, do
not refuse. It is a form of initiation rite. You will wake up late
the next day with an astonishing hangover, a foul taste in your
mouth, and wearing strange clothes.
Your hosts will usually make sure you get home, and waive off any
legal difficulties with "It's his first time in Australia, so we
took him to the pub", to which the policeman will sagely nod and
close his notebook. Be sure to tell the story of these events to
every other Australian you encounter, adding new embellishments at
every stage and noting how strong the beer was.
Thus you will be accepted into this unique culture.
Most Australians are now urban dwellers, having discovered the
primary use of electricity, which is air-conditioning and refrigerators.
Typical Australian sayings:-
* "G'day!"
* "It's better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick!"
* "She'll be right mate."
Tips to Surviving Australia:
* Don't ever put your hand down a hole for any reason WHATSOEVER.
* The beer is stronger than you think, regardless of how strong you
think it is.
* Always carry a stick.
* Air-conditioning is imperative.
* Do not attempt to use Australian slang, unless you are a trained
linguist and extremely good in a fist fight.
* Wear thick socks.
* Take good maps. Stopping to ask directions only works when there
are people nearby.
* If you leave the urban areas, carry several litres of water with
you at all times, or you will die.
* Even in the most embellished stories told by Australians, there is
always a core of truth that it is unwise to ignore.
Cheers
Paul
by halfdome, Danny » Wed Feb 25, 2009 2:07 pm 
Mark (& Cindi) 
