Humor of the Day

[Ivar the Red]

1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.


2. Money will buy a fine dog but only kindness will make him wag his tail.


3. If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.


4. Seatbelts are not as confining as wheelchairs.


5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.


6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become
a teenager who wants to stay out all night?


7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many
people a company can operate without.


8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks ?


9. Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job.


10 No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.


11 There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.


12 There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 AM. Like this, it could be a right number.


13 No one ever says "It's only a game" when their team is winning.


14 I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.


15 Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to like it.


16 The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.


17 Money can't buy happiness - but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a
Corvette than in a Yugo.


18 After 50 if you don't wake up with aches and pains, you are probably dead.

[planovet]

[Sparksalot]

E.T. takes a self portrait.

[Sparksalot]

Anti-gravicats.

[madjack]

...absolutely great story...but story is all it is... http://www.snopes.com/embarrass/accident/toilet.asp .............
madjack

[planovet]

...absolutely great story...but story is all it is... http://www.snopes.com/embarrass/accident/toilet.asp .............
madjack

You have to ruin everthing

[planovet]

[planovet]

Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.

The conversation went like this: 'Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?'

'And the best of the day te yerself. This is Fadder O'Malley at St Brigid's. Dere's a jackass lyin dead on me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of da matter?'

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, 'Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!'

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment. Father O'Malley then replied: 'Aye, tis certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin.'

[starleen2]

Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.

The conversation went like this: 'Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?'

'And the best of the day te yerself. This is Fadder O'Malley at St Brigid's. Dere's a jackass lyin dead on me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of da matter?'

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, 'Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!'

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment. Father O'Malley then replied: 'Aye, tis certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin.'

I'll be tellin' this one on Sunday

[Sparksalot]

How To Tell If You're An Extreme Redneck.....


1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.
5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
6. Someone in your family died right after saying, 'Hey, guys, watch this.'
7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
9. Your junior prom offered day care.
10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are 'Gentlemen, start your engines. '
11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

[halfdome, Danny]

A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?



" The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours." The guy left. !



A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours.." The guy left.



A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and half." The guy left.



The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey, Bill, do me a favor.



Follow that guy and see where he goes.. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back."

A little while later, Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.



The barber asked, "So where does that guy go when he leaves?"



Bill looked up, tears in his eyes and said.......



"Your house."

[planovet]

A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale .' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'

'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar.. He never did any of that stuff.

[BILLYL]

Older than Dirt


19 THINGS IT TOOK ME 50 YEARS TO LEARN

1. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness".

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

6. You should not confuse your career with your life.

7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

10. Never lick a steak knife.

11. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.

12. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

13. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

14. Never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

15. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

16. The one thing that unites all human beings,regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.

17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.

18. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

19. Your friends love you anyway.

[Nitetimes]

----- : Taxi Ride

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, “I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.”

The frightened passenger said, “I didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten you so much.”

The driver replied, “Today is my first day driving a cab. Before that I drove a hearse for 25 years.”

[planovet]