Humor of the Day

Things that don't fit anywhere else...

Postby starleen2 » Fri Mar 13, 2009 8:20 pm

"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.

"Yes, Sir." the new recruit replied.

"Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you.
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Postby planovet » Sat Mar 14, 2009 9:47 am

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I was wondering why the water balloon was getting bigger... and then it hit me.

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Postby Nitetimes » Tue Mar 17, 2009 9:21 am

I guess this should be classified as something other than humor.......maybe more of a scary story!!!


HIGH SCHOOL--1957 vs. 2007


Scenario 1:

Jack goes quail hunting before school and then�pulls into the school parking lot with his shotgun in his truck's gun rack.

1957 -Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.

2007 -School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.


Scenario 2:

Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.

1957 -Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.

2007 -Police called and SWAT team arrives -- they arrest both Johnny and Mark. They are both charged them with assault and both expelled even though Johnny started it.


Scenario 3:

Jeffrey will not be still in class, he disrupts other students.

1957 -Jeffrey sent to the Principal's office and given a good paddling by the Principal. He then returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

2007 -Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. He becomes a zombie. He is then tested for ADD. The school gets extra money from the state because Jeffrey has a disability.


Scenario 4:

Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

1957 -Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college and becomes a successful businessman.

2007 -Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. The state psychologist is told by Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has an affair with the psychologist.



Scenario 5:

Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.

1957 -Mark shares his aspirin with the Principal out on the smoking dock

2007-The police are called and Mark is expelled from school for drug violations. His car is then searched for drugs and weapons.



Scenario 6:


Pedro fails high school English.

1957 -Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college.

2007 -Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against the state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English is then banned from core curriculum. Pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.


Scenario 7:

Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the Fourth of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up a red ant bed.

1957 -Ants die.

2007 -ATF, Homeland Security and the FBI are all called. Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. The FBI investigates his parents --and all siblings are removed from their home and all computers are confiscated. Johnny's dad is placed on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.



Scenario 8:

Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him..

1957 -In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.

2007 -Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.
Rich


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Postby planovet » Tue Mar 17, 2009 10:27 am

In honor of the mother of the octuplets,
Denny's is offering a new breakfast meal called the Suleman:

You get eight eggs, no sausage, and the guy
next to you has to pay the bill.

:lol:
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Postby planovet » Tue Mar 17, 2009 10:31 am

I think that this is the best quote of the decade.

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Judge Judy to prostitute:

'So when did you actually realize you'd been raped?'

Prostitute, wiping away tears:

'When the check bounced.'
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Postby Nitetimes » Tue Mar 17, 2009 10:43 am

planovet wrote:I think that this is the best quote of the decade.

Image

Judge Judy to prostitute:

'So when did you actually realize you'd been raped?'

Prostitute, wiping away tears:

'When the check bounced.'


:laughter: :laughter: :laughter: :laughter: :laughter:

So they take checks now..........boy would that get me in trouble!!! :lol: :lol:
Rich


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The strongest reason for the people to retain the right to
keep and bear arms is, as a last resort, to protect themselves
against tyranny in government.
- Thomas Jefferson -
Personally, I carry a gun because I'm too young to die and too old to take a butt kickin'.
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Postby planovet » Tue Mar 17, 2009 10:58 am

Nitetimes wrote:So they take checks now..........boy would that get me in trouble!!!


I'm sure they would take your food coupons :lol:

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Postby halfdome, Danny » Tue Mar 17, 2009 11:23 am

planovet wrote:In honor of the mother of the octuplets,
Denny's is offering a new breakfast meal called the Suleman:

You get eight eggs, no sausage, and the guy
next to you has to pay the bill.

:lol:

Octomom Spoof
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Postby PanelDeland » Wed Mar 18, 2009 11:11 am

Nitetimes wrote:I guess this should be classified as something other than humor.......maybe more of a scary story!!!


HIGH SCHOOL--1957 vs. 2007


Scenario 1:

Jack goes quail hunting before school and then�pulls into the school parking lot with his shotgun in his truck's gun rack.

1957 -Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.

2007 -School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.


Scenario 2:

Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.

1957 -Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.

2007 -Police called and SWAT team arrives -- they arrest both Johnny and Mark. They are both charged them with assault and both expelled even though Johnny started it.


Scenario 3:

Jeffrey will not be still in class, he disrupts other students.

1957 -Jeffrey sent to the Principal's office and given a good paddling by the Principal. He then returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

2007 -Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. He becomes a zombie. He is then tested for ADD. The school gets extra money from the state because Jeffrey has a disability.


Scenario 4:

Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

1957 -Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college and becomes a successful businessman.

2007 -Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. The state psychologist is told by Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has an affair with the psychologist.



Scenario 5:

Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.

1957 -Mark shares his aspirin with the Principal out on the smoking dock

2007-The police are called and Mark is expelled from school for drug violations. His car is then searched for drugs and weapons.



Scenario 6:


Pedro fails high school English.

1957 -Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college.

2007 -Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against the state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English is then banned from core curriculum. Pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.


Scenario 7:

Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the Fourth of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up a red ant bed.

1957 -Ants die.

2007 -ATF, Homeland Security and the FBI are all called. Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. The FBI investigates his parents --and all siblings are removed from their home and all computers are confiscated. Johnny's dad is placed on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.



Scenario 8:

Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him..

1957 -In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.

2007 -Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.



This reminded me of a friends son.While a junior in high school he called another student a "faggot".He now has as apart of his permanent record a write up for "Sexual Assault".It must be hard to be a kid these days.
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Postby Ivar the Red » Wed Mar 18, 2009 11:09 pm

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska a few years back was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers.
A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

Still think you are having a Bad Day????

Betty came home to find Jerry in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle.
Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his iPod.

Are Ya OK Now? - No?

Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany .
Suddenly, all two thousand pig broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly.
The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.

What?!? STILL having a Bad Day????

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb.
It came back with 'Return to Sender' stamped on it.
Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits. God is Good!

And Finally
In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 am, regardless of their medical condition.
This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the super natural.
No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 am Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents.
The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 am all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about.
Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits. Just when the clock struck 11:00 , Kenneth Roberts, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.
Johnny
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AAADD

Postby Juneaudave » Fri Mar 20, 2009 10:15 pm

Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder.
Somehow I feel better, even though I have it!!

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table,
put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back
on the table and take out the garbage first.

But then I think,
since I'm going to be near the mailbox
when I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table,
and see that there is only one check left.

My extra checks are in my desk in the study,
so I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the can of soda I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks,
but first I need to push the soda aside
so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The soda is getting warm,
and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the soda,
a vase of flowers on the counter
catches my eye - they need water.

I put the soda on the counter and
discover my reading glasses that
I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk,
but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter,
fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we watch TV,
I'll be looking for the remote,
but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,
so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers,
but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back on the table,
get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to
remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:
the car isn't washed
the bills aren't paid
there is a warm can of soda sitting on the counter
the flowers don't have enough water ,
there is still only 1 check in my check book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day,
and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem,
and I'll try to get some help for it,
but first I'll check my e-mail....

Do me a favor.
Forward this message to everyone you know,
because I don't remember who I've sent it to.

Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!
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Postby planovet » Wed Mar 25, 2009 10:02 am

You might be a Redneck if...

You have a deer's butt for a door bell....

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Your wife is quoted in the local paper saying...

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Your doghouse looks like this...

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You wear a shirt like this for your engagement picture...

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Your grill looks like this...

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And if you win the Powerball and your camper looks like this...

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Lawyer with a heart

Postby halfdome, Danny » Wed Mar 25, 2009 12:40 pm

Lawyer with a heart

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he
saw two men along the roadside eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to
investigate.

He asked one man, 'Why are you eating grass?'

'We don't have any money for food,' the poor
man replied. 'We have to eat grass.'

'Well, then, you can come with me to my house and
I'll feed you,' the lawyer said.

'But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They
are over there, under that tree.'

'Bring them along,' the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, 'You come with
us, also.'

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, 'But
sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!'

'Bring them all, as well,' the lawyer answered

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for
a car as large as the limousine was.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer
and said, 'Sir, you are too kind.'

'Thank you for taking all of us with you.'

The lawyer replied, 'Glad to do it.

'You'll really love my place.

'The grass is almost a foot high'
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Postby SmokeyBob » Fri Mar 27, 2009 10:17 am

Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns

Dear Walter: I hope you can help me here. The other day, I
set off for work in my Volvo 1800 leaving my husband in the
house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a
mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car
shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's
help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in
our bedroom with the neighbor lady. I am 32, my husband is
34, and we have been married for twelve years.

When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they
had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him
to stop or I would leave him.

He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has
been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him
very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has
become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and
I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely, Sheila

Dear Sheila: An 1800 stalling after being driven a short
distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine.
Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line.
If it is clear, check the vacuum lines and hoses on the in-
take manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of
these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel
pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the
carburetor float chamber.

I hope this helps.

-Walter
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Postby Micro469 » Wed Apr 01, 2009 10:00 pm

A man is showering up in a locker room with his buddy when he notices his friend is very well endowed.

'Damn, Kurt, you're hung!' Dan exclaims .

'I wasn't always this impressive, I had to work for it......'

'What do you mean?' Dan asked .

'Well, every day for the past two years I've spent an hour each night rubbing it with butter. I know it sounds crazy but it actually made it grow 4 inches! You should try it.'
Dan agrees and the two say good bye.

A few months later the two are in the same locker room and Kurt asks Dan how his situation was ...

Dan replied, 'I did what you said, Kurt, but I've actually gotten smaller! I lost two inches already!'

'Did you do everything I told you? An hour each day with butter?'

'Well, I was out of butter, so I've been using Crisco.'

Wait for it ...........



Wait ..........................


You know it's coming...



Crisco!!?' Kurt exclaimed. 'Damm it, Dan, Crisco is a shortening !



MORAL OF THE STORY: You gotta follow the recipe!!!!
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