Humor of the Day

[Ivar the Red]

Stress Management Technique:

Just in case you are having a rough day, here is a stress management
technique recommended in all the latest psychological journals. The
funny thing is that it really does work and will make you smile.

1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that
hangs out over a crystal clear stream.
2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool
running water.
3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.
4. No one knows your secret place.
5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.
6. The soothing sound of a gentle water fall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
7. The water is so crystal clear that you can easily make out the face of the person you are holding underwater.

There!! See? It really does work. You're smiling already.

[Nitetimes]

This was an article from the St. Petersburg Times Newspaper on Sunday.

The Business Section asked readers for ideas on "How Would You Fix the Economy?"

I thought this was the BEST idea.

I think this guy nailed it!

Dear Mr. President,

Patriotic retirement:

There are about 40 million people over 50 in the work force;

pay them $1 million apiece severance with stipulations:

1) They leave their jobs. Forty million job openings - Unemployment fixed.

2) They buy NEW American cars. Forty million cars ordered - Auto Industry fixed.

3) They either buy a house or pay off their mortgage- Housing Crisis fixed.

All this and it's still cheaper than the "bailout".

[Nitetimes]

_HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids)_*


*You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like

sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the

chips and dip coming.*

*-- Alan , age 10*


*No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to

marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who

you're stuck with.*

*-- Kristen , age 10*_



*WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?*_ *

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.

-- Camille , age 10_


HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?_* *

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the

same kids.

-- Derrick , age 8_


WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?_* *

Both don't want any more kids.

-- Lori , age 8_



WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?_* *

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each

other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.

-- Lynnette , age 8 (isn't she a treasure)



On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that Usually gets

them interested enough to go for a second date.

-- Martin , age 10_



WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?_*

I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers

and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.

-- Craig , age 9_



WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?_*

When they're rich.

-- Pam , age 7



The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.

- - Curt , age 7



The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them

and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.

-- Howard , age 8 _


IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?_* *

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone

to clean up after them.

-- Anita , age 9 (bless you child)_


HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?_* *

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?

-- Kelvin, age 8



And the #1 Favorite is........* *_

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?_

Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.

-- Ricky , age 10*

[lauriandgary]

The doctor after an examination, sighed and said, 'I've got some bad
news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.'

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into
the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.

'Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we
celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't
good. I have cancer, So let's head to the club and have a martini.'

After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber.
There were some laughs and more martinis.
They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends,
who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.

The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end,
'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.'

The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a
hasty retreat.

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and
whispered, 'Mom, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you
just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that??'

'Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father
after I'm gone.'

And THAT, my friends, is what is called, 'Putting Your Affairs In Order.'

[Grumpeyyy]

John Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock
(MADE IN JAPAN ) for 6am.

While his coffeepot
(MADE IN CHINA )
was perking, he shaved with his electric razor
(MADE IN HONG KONG )..

He put on a dress shirt
(MADE IN SRI LANKA ),
designer jeans
(MADE IN SINGAPORE )

and tennis shoes
(MADE IN KOREA )

After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet
(MADE IN INDIA )

he sat down with his calculator
(MADE IN MEXICO )

to see how much he could spend today. After setting his watch
(MADE IN TAIWAN )

to the radio
(MADE IN INDIA )

he got in his car
(MADE IN GERMANY )

filled it with GAS
(from Saudi Arabia )

and continued his search for a good paying AMERICAN JOB.

At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day

checking his Computer
(Made In Malaysia ),

Joe decided to relax for a while.

He put on his sandals
(MADE IN BRAZIL )

poured himself a glass of wine
(MADE IN FRANCE )

and turned on his TV
(MADE IN INDONESIA ),

and then wondered why he can't find a good paying job
in AMERICA ..





Have a great day!!!!

Grumpeyyy

[halfdome, Danny]

Arthur and the Witch:

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question?... .What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.

But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered.... is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half..

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below. BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?



Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now ....what is the moral to this story?





The moral is.....
If you don't let a woman have her own way....
Things are going to get ugly

[SmokeyBob]

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive
clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.'

[SmokeyBob]

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take
to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?'
The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'
'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up..

[starleen2]

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take
to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?'
The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'
'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up..

[halfdome, Danny]

http://www.thefartmachine.com/

[SmokeyBob]

Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'
Joe: 'Really?'
Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'

[halfdome, Danny]

The Rabbit and the Blonde



A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road.

He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.


The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover,

pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit.

Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead.


The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a

man crying on the side of the road and pulls over.

She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.


"I feel terrible,"he explains,"I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."

The blonde says, " Don 't worry."

She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.

She walks over to the limp,dead rabbit,bends down,and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.

The rabbit jumps up,waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.

Ten feet away the rabbit stops,turns around and waves again,

he hops down the road another 10 feet,turns and waves,

hops another ten feet,turns and waves,

and repeats this again and again and again,until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished.

He runs over to the woman and demands,

"What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"

The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.

It says..







(






"Hair Spray -


Restores life to dead hair,

and adds permanent wave."


Happy Easter!!!

[Nitetimes]

REDNECK LENT

Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak.

But, all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic. And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.

The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a
problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.

The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a Catholic.

After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass...and as the
priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic".

Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood.

The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.


There stood Bubba, clutching a small
bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: "You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you is a catfish".

[planovet]

[SmokeyBob]

If she hasn't yet...She will soon!!!