Humor of the Day

[edevans]

TWENTY-NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE

1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't...
2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

6.You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

9. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

16. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
17.Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18. Procrastinate Now!

19. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20.A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance..

22. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.

25. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three
thousand times the memory.

26. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27. The trouble with life is there's no background music.

28. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends!
Life is too short and friends are too few!

[Nitetimes]

Guts or Balls.

There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking there is no difference in the outcome. Both result in DEATH.........

[Nitetimes]

*He said to me . . . I don't know why you wear a bra, you've got nothing to put in it.* *I said to him . . . You wear pants don't you?*

*He said to me . . ..... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?* *She said . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!*

*He said to me. ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?* *I said to him . .....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!*

*He said to me. ..... Why don't women blink during foreplay?* *I said to him . . They don't have time*

*He said to me. . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?* *I said to him .. . We don't know, it has never happened.*

*He said to me. . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?* *I said to him . . . They already have boyfriends.*

*I said...What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?* *He said. . . A widow.*

*He said to me . .. . Why are married women heavier than single women?* *I said to him . . ... Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.*

[caseydog]

This was an article from the St. Petersburg Times Newspaper on Sunday.

The Business Section asked readers for ideas on "How Would You Fix the Economy?"

I thought this was the BEST idea.

I think this guy nailed it!

Dear Mr. President,

Patriotic retirement:

There are about 40 million people over 50 in the work force;

pay them $1 million apiece severance with stipulations:

1) They leave their jobs. Forty million job openings - Unemployment fixed.

2) They buy NEW American cars. Forty million cars ordered - Auto Industry fixed.

3) They either buy a house or pay off their mortgage- Housing Crisis fixed.

All this and it's still cheaper than the "bailout".

I have a BIG problem with this plan...







I'm only 48.





CD

[planovet]

This was an article from the St. Petersburg Times Newspaper on Sunday.

The Business Section asked readers for ideas on "How Would You Fix the Economy?"

I thought this was the BEST idea.

I think this guy nailed it!

Dear Mr. President,

Patriotic retirement:

There are about 40 million people over 50 in the work force;

pay them $1 million apiece severance with stipulations:

1) They leave their jobs. Forty million job openings - Unemployment fixed.

2) They buy NEW American cars. Forty million cars ordered - Auto Industry fixed.

3) They either buy a house or pay off their mortgage- Housing Crisis fixed.

All this and it's still cheaper than the "bailout".

I have a BIG problem with this plan...







I'm only 48.





CD

I'm 50...where's my check??

[Nitetimes]

This was an article from the St. Petersburg Times Newspaper on Sunday.

The Business Section asked readers for ideas on "How Would You Fix the Economy?"

I thought this was the BEST idea.

I think this guy nailed it!

Dear Mr. President,

Patriotic retirement:

There are about 40 million people over 50 in the work force;

pay them $1 million apiece severance with stipulations:

1) They leave their jobs. Forty million job openings - Unemployment fixed.

2) They buy NEW American cars. Forty million cars ordered - Auto Industry fixed.

3) They either buy a house or pay off their mortgage- Housing Crisis fixed.

All this and it's still cheaper than the "bailout".

I have a BIG problem with this plan...







I'm only 48.





CD

Me too....otherwise it would be the perfect plan!!!

I'm covered tho....wife's over 50.

[caseydog]

This was an article from the St. Petersburg Times Newspaper on Sunday.

The Business Section asked readers for ideas on "How Would You Fix the Economy?"

I thought this was the BEST idea.

I think this guy nailed it!

Dear Mr. President,

Patriotic retirement:

There are about 40 million people over 50 in the work force;

pay them $1 million apiece severance with stipulations:

1) They leave their jobs. Forty million job openings - Unemployment fixed.

2) They buy NEW American cars. Forty million cars ordered - Auto Industry fixed.

3) They either buy a house or pay off their mortgage- Housing Crisis fixed.

All this and it's still cheaper than the "bailout".

I have a BIG problem with this plan...







I'm only 48.





CD

Me too....otherwise it would be the perfect plan!!!

I'm covered tho....wife's over 50.

You just posted your wife's age on a public forum.Is that an example of guts or balls?

CD

[caseydog]

And that was an example of double posting.

[madjack]

And that was an example of double posting.

...noooooooooooo, that is an example of your oh so hard working administrators at work
madjack

[bledsoe3]

:beer:

I wish you would have posted that before I took my wife to Mexico on vacation 11 years ago.

[Joseph]

This was an article from the St. Petersburg Times Newspaper on Sunday.

The Business Section asked readers for ideas on "How Would You Fix the Economy?"

I thought this was the BEST idea.

I think this guy nailed it!

Dear Mr. President,

Patriotic retirement:

There are about 40 million people over 50 in the work force;

pay them $1 million apiece severance with stipulations:

1) They leave their jobs. Forty million job openings - Unemployment fixed.

2) They buy NEW American cars. Forty million cars ordered - Auto Industry fixed.

3) They either buy a house or pay off their mortgage- Housing Crisis fixed.

All this and it's still cheaper than the "bailout".

I have a BIG problem with this plan...







I'm only 48.





CD

Me too.

I'm already retired.

Joseph

[Kevin A]

LETTER HOME FROM A HILLBILLY
(NOW AT MARINE CORPS RECRUIT TRAINING DEPOT IN SAN DIEGO)

Dear Ma and Pa,
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled..

I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.

Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.

We go on "route marches," which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home.. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The country is nice but awful flat The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys.. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,
Alice

[Steve_Cox]

A bloke goes into a supermarket and buys:

* one tin of beans
* one bag of crisps
* one pack of burgers
* one tub of icecream
* one cake
* one yoghurt
* one pint of milk.

He takes them over to the checkout, and the girl looks at what he has bought and asks if he is single.

The bloke says sarcastically, "Yes. However how did you guess?"

The girl replies: "You're an ugly bastard."

[halfdome, Danny]

Dog's leg Trying To Steal Bone. Danny

[Ivar the Red]

Information about the State of Oklahoma...
>
>
> > Love The Summer?
>>
> > Poolville , Oklahoma
> > Sunray, Oklahoma
>>
>>
> > Want Something To Eat?
>>
> > Corn, Oklahoma
> > Grainola, Oklahoma
> > Hominy, Oklahoma
> > Olive, Oklahoma
> > South Coffeeville, Oklahoma
> > Sweetwater, Oklahoma
> > Cookietown, Oklahoma
>>
> > Why Travel To Other Cities? Oklahoma Has Them All!
>>
> > Cleveland, Oklahoma
> > Orlando, Oklahoma
> > Miami, Oklahoma
> > Pittsburgh, Oklahoma
> > Santa Fe, Oklahoma
> > St. Louis, Oklahoma
> > Chattanooga, Oklahoma
> > Peoria, Oklahoma
> > Burbank, Oklahoma
> > Fargo, Oklahoma
>>
>>
> > Wana get lost?
> > No Where, Oklahoma
>>
> > Don't Forget The Wildlife!
>>
> > Wolfe , Oklahoma
> > Eagle, Oklahoma
> > Buffalo , Oklahoma
> > Fox, Oklahoma
> > Bison, Oklahoma
> > Deer Creek , Oklahoma
> > Elk City, Oklahoma
>>
>>
> > We Have A Town Named After A Number...
>>
> > Forty-One, Oklahoma
>>
>>
> > And A Town Who's Letter's Don't Spell Anything...
>>
> > IXL, Oklahoma
>>
>>
> > And For The Sportsman Who Wants To Get Away
> > From It All...
>>
> > Fisherman's Paradise , Oklahoma
>>
>>
> > We Even Have A City Named After Earth's Only Satellite!
>>
> > Moon, Oklahoma
>>
>>
> > And A City Named After Our State!
>>
> > Oklahoma City , Oklahoma
>>
>>
> > Feeling A Bit Chilly?
>>
> > Snow, Oklahoma
> > Slick, Oklahoma
> > Cold Springs, Oklahoma
>>
> > Oklahoma Is Full Of Love!
>>
> > Lovedale , Oklahoma
> > Loveland , Oklahoma
> > Lovell , Oklahoma
> > Bigheart , Oklahoma
> > Loyal, Oklahoma
>>
>>
> > Like To Read About The Presidents?
>>
> > Adams, Oklahoma
> > Taylor, Oklahoma
> > Fillmore, Oklahoma
> > Grant, Oklahoma
> > Taft, Oklahoma
> > Johnson, Oklahoma
> > Lincoln, Oklahoma
> > Jefferson, Oklahoma
> > Reagan, Oklahoma
> > Wilson, Oklahoma
> > Roosevelt, Oklahoma
> > Carter, Oklahoma
> > Clinton, Oklahoma
> > Washington, Oklahoma
>>
>>
> > Other City Names In Oklahoma To Make You Smile.....
>>
> > Frogville, Oklahoma
> > Loco, Oklahoma
> > Bushyhead, Oklahoma
> > Bugtussle, Oklahoma
> > Hooker, Oklahoma
> > Slaughterville, Oklahoma
> > Bowlegs, Oklahoma
> > Slapout, Oklahoma
>>
> > And Regardless What Side Of The Fence You're On...
>>
> > Gay , Oklahoma
> > Straight, Oklahoma
>>
>>
> > Here Are Some Little Known But Very Interesting Facts About Oklahoma .
>>
> > 1. The bread twist tie was invented in Maysville.
>>
> > 2. The shopping cart was invented in Ardmore in 1936.
>>
> > 3. The nation's first parking meter was intalled in Oklahoma City in
> > 1935.
>>
> > 4. The first Girl Scout Cookie was sold in Muskogee in 1917.
>>
> > 5. Cimarron County , located in the Oklahoma Panhandle, is the only
> > county in the U.S. bordered by 4 separate states... Texas , New
> > Mexico , Colorado & Kansas .
>>
> > 6. The Oklahoma State Capital is the only capital in the U.S. with
> > working oil wells on its grounds.
>>
> > 7. Boise City , Oklahoma was the only city in the United States to
> > be bombed during World War II. On Monday night, July 5, 1943, at
> > 12:30 a.m., a B-17 Bomber based at Dalhart Army Air Base, Texas ,
> > dropped six practice bombs on the sleeping town, mistaking the city
> > lights as target lights.
>>
> > 8. WKY Radio in Oklahoma City was the first radio station
> > transmitting west of the Mississippi River .
>>
> > 9. The nation's first 'Tornado Warning' was issued on March 25,
> > 1948 in Oklahoma City minutes before a devastating tornado. Because
> > of the warning, no lives were lost.
>>
> > 10. Oklahoma has the largest Native American population of any state
> > in the U.S.
>>
> > 11. The name ' Oklahoma ' comes from two Choctaw words... okla meaning
> > 'people' and humma meaning 'red'. So the name means, 'Red People.'
> > The name was approved in 1890.
>>
> > 12. Oklahoma produced more astronauts than any other state.
>>
> > 13. Oklahoma has more man made lakes than any other state.
>>
> > 14. During the 'Land Rush', Oklahoma City went from a vast, open
> > prairie to a city of over 10,000 in a single day.
>>
> > 15. The nation's first traffic 'Yield' sign was erected in Tulsa on
> > a trial basis.
>>
> > 16. Pensacola Dam is the longest multi-arched dam in the world at
> > 6,565 feet.
>>
> > 17. The ' Port of Catoosa ' (just north of Tulsa ) is the largest
> > inland port in America .
>>
> > 18. The aerosol can was invented in Bartlesville .
>>
> > 19. Per square mile, Oklahoma has more tornadoes than any other
> > place in the world.
>>
> > 20. The highest wind speed ever recorded on earth was in Moore ,
> > Oklahoma on May 3rd. 1999 during the Oklahoma City F-5 tornado.
> > Wind speed was clocked at 318 mph.
> >
> > 21. The ' Will Rogers World Airport ' and the ' Wiley Post Airport '
> > are both named after two famous Okies....both killed in an airplane
> > crash!!!
>>
> > Cowboy's Ten Commandments
>>
> > (1) Just one God.
>>
> > (2) Honor yer Ma & Pa.
>>
> > (3) No telling tales or gossipin'.
>>
> > (4) Git yourself to Sunday meeting.
>>
> > (5) Put nothin' before God.
>>
> > (6) No foolin' around with another fellow's gal.
>>
> > (7) No killin'.
>>
> > (8 ) Watch yer mouth.
>>
> > (9) Don't take what ain't yers.
>>
> > (10) Don't be hankerin' for yer buddy's stuff
>>
> > Now that's plain an' simple don'tcha think?