Humor of the Day

[rowerwet]

back before the American revolution, during one of Europes endless wars, a British general is captured by French soldiers, he is taken to the officers who treat his wounds and treat him well. In talking to him one officer says "why do your armies wear such bright red uniforms?, my men might not have found you crouching near the road if it wasn't for your red uniform". The British officer replies " it goes back to the ancient spartans, they wore red cloaks into battle to hide the blood from thier wounds, this keeps the other men from seeing any weakness, and an officer should provide such an example to his men!"
Immediatly after that the french officers were issued brown pants!

[rowerwet]

A Texan stomps into the bar and orders a round for everyone, "my wife just had a baby boy and I'm a proud papa!" everyone congratulates him and asks (what men will not remember anyway) how big? "well he was 15" long and 20 pounds!" everyone can't believe how big of a baby his son is.
The next day the Texan comes back in and sits down, one of his friends asks so how big was your son again? "15 inches long and 10 pounds" he says. His friend says " I thought you said he was 20 pounds yesterday!?"
the texan boasts "Had him circumsized today!"

[rowerwet]

Lately there has been a slow down in the catch of the fish in the county, no mater what bait, or what time of day, or even your best secret spot, no one is doing that great. Then one day the game warden notices steve bringing home a 5 gallon bucket full of prize winning fish. When questioned he says he is a fish caller and can talk them right up under his boat. The warden is impressed and after watching steve bring in more fish on his boat than everyone else all day, he decides to follow him the next day.
Early next morning steve slips out to a remote corner of the biggest lake around only this time the warden is shadowing him and watching through binoculars. After scanning the area to make sure no one is watching steve reaches into the tackle box pulls out a stick of dynamite, lights it and tosses it in, then trolls around picking the best fish for his bucket. The warden is horrified and roars up to steves boat, just as he gets in close steve lights another stick of dynamite, "I can't believer you are doing this! I am going to have to arrest you, and confiscate your boat, you are facing serious charges, fines, permanent suspension, and even jail!" he shouts.
Steve hands him the lit stick of dynamite and says "you gonna talk or fish!?"

[rowerwet]

Berlin airport air traffic controlers are notorious for being unhelpfull to arriveing aircrews, expecting them to know which gate they want, and how to get there as soon as they land.
(overheard on the radio) "Speedbird (british airways radio call sign) 6760 requesting permission to land at berlin airport"
"speedbird 6760 permission to land, turn off at taxiway echo and contact ground frequency as soon as possible"
After landing speedbird 6760 turns onto taxiway echo and then sits for a minute befor calling ground control.
"berlin ground, speedbird 6760 calling"
"speedbird 6760, go ahead"
"berlin ground, speedbird 6760 is trying to contact the station to find out which gate to taxi to"
"speedbird 6760, do you not know where to go?!, I need you to taxi now! why didn't you find out where to go before landing!? Havn't you ever been to berlin before?!"
"yeah I was here twice, it was at night, I didn't land!"

[rowerwet]

The airport was especialy busy that day, the ground controler was doing her best, but was rather short with everyone calling her on the radio. Just then united 550 turned the wrong way onto a taxi way and ended up nose to nose with another aircraft. The controler radioed "United 550 stop right now, I can't believe you are so stupid, until you leave this airport don't move one inch until you clear it with me and don't make anymore turns until I clear you to, now I have to reroute everone around you and that messes up my traffic flow and take off sequence, You just sit right there until I get this mess straightened out and don't call again until I ask you to!!!"
Suddenly the radio which had been jammed with radio traffic fell silent, no one wanted to be the next one to suffer the wrath of the contoler. The tension was broken violently when an unidentified voice said "wasn't I married to you once?"
I imagine quite a few pilots were still wiping tears away later when she did give them taxi instructions.

[rowerwet]

Due to weather conditions that were rolling in american 970 asked to be given priority to take off, jumping the line of other aircraft waiting to take the runway. One unidentified pilot complained to american 970 as it taxied past the line of waiting planes "what makes you so special? I need to get out too." to which American 970 replied "how do you like them apples?"
As American 970 reached V1 (rotation speed, when the nose comes up) the radio was broken by the unmistakable sound of a fire warning horn, and American 970 slammed both engines to idle and stood on the brakes to come to a screeching halt at the far end of the runway. Over the radio came the unknow voice "how do you like them apples now?"

[rowerwet]

one day a small piper warrior (single engine piston popper) was waiting at the end of the taxiway for an Eastern DC-8 (four engine turbojet airliner) to land, as the jet came close enough to see the piper waiting the copilot began to make fun of the piper, " what a cute little airplane, I hope you can grow up to be a big airplane someday, did you build it your self, or did it come in a crackerjack box?" this continued all the way until the DC-8 was past the piper, then the piper spoke up " yup, built it my self, one more landing like that one and I'll have enough parts to build another one."

[rowerwet]

Rules for flight:

-push forward on the stick to make the houses grow bigger.
-pull back on the stick to make the houses grow smaller,
-keep pulling back on the stick and the houses grow bigger agian.


- altitude above you
- runway behind you
are worthless.

You never have too much:
- fuel on board
_unless you are on fire!

don't exceede the capabilities of your airplane lest the ground come up and smite thee.
airplanes fly in the sky, the edges of this can be found by recognizing the that at the bottom of the sky is the ground easily identified by houses, trees and hills, flying near this is hazardous to your health.
At the top of sky is space, recognized by the sky turning black and stars and planets growing larger, avoid this area or be flung off into interstelar space.

-there are old pilots and bold pilots, but there are no old bold pilots.

-when the birds are walking, your pilot skills do the talking

-aircraft do not fly by the laws of aerodynamics, they fly by the application of vast sums of money.

-when the weight of the regulation and engenering paperwork equals the weight of the aircraft, it is ready to fly.

-if the FAA had exsisted back in 1900 there would still be no legal airplanes.

[rowerwet]

A russian farmer was out in his field one day working, when the local party official drove up, "commrade how is the potato harvest coming" he said,
"well commrade it is going quite well" said the farmer, "in fact there are so many potatoes this year that if they were all put in one pile it would stretch to the feet of God." This made the party officail very angry " you stupid peasant how can you say such things, don't you know there is no God!"
"Ah yes" replied the farmer "and there are no potatoes either"

[SmokeyBob]

Golfing in Heaven

Three golfers, Jesus, Moses and an old man, get to the 18th tee. It’s all tied. All three have the same score.

Jesus’ second shot goes into the water and lands on a rock. He walks on the water out to the ball and hits it within a foot of the hole.

Moses` second shot also goes into the water and sinks. He parts the water and then hits his ball within a foot of the hole.

The old man also hits his second shot into the water, but it lands on a water lilly. A frog comes out of the water and takes the ball. Just then a bird swoops down and grabs the frog and carries him, with the ball, right over the 18th hole where the frog drops the ball right into the cup.

Moses turns to Jesus and says, “You know, I really hate playing with your Dad.”

[planovet]

[SmokeyBob]

1) A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.

2) There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in Louisiana.

3) There are 10,000 types of spiders, and all 10,000 of them live in
Louisiana.

4) If it grows, it'll stick ya. If it crawls, it'll bite cha..

5) Onced" and "Twiced" are words.

6) It is not a shopping cart, it's a buggy.

7) "Jawl-P?" means, "Did y'all go to the bathroom?"

People actually grow and eat okra. Dare ain't nuttin rong wit dat!

9) "Fixinto" is one word.

10) There is no such thing as lunch. There is only dinner and then there
is supper. And dis is true!

11) Iced tea is appropriate for all meals, and you start drinking it
when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar.

12) Backwards and forwards means, "I know everythin' 'bout you..

13) The word "jeet" is actually a phrase meaning, "Did you eat?"

14) You don't have to wear a watch, because it doesn't matter what time
it is. You work until you're done or it's too dark to see.

15) You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH 'em.

16) You measure distance in minutes.

17) You switch from heat to A/C in the same day.

18) All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit,
vegetable, grain, insect, or animal..

19) You know what a "Dawg" is.

20) You carry jumper cables in your car - for your own car.

21) You only own five spices: salt, pepper, Tony Chachere's, Tabasco,
and ketchup.

22) The local papers cover national and international news on one page,
but require 6 pages for local gossip and LSU football.

23) You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.

24) You find 100 degrees "a bit warm."

25) You know all four seasons: Almost summer, summer, still summer, and
Christmas.

26) Going to Walmart is a favorite past time known as "Goin' Walmartin"
or "off to Wally World."

27) You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good gumbo
weather.

28) Fried catfish is the other white meat.

29) We don't need no dang Driver's Ed if our mama says we can drive, we
can drive.

30) You understand these jokes and forward them to your Louisiana
friends and those who just wish they were from Louisiana.

[madjack]

THEY ARE ALL TRUE...except one and it is a great exception...SPICES...I couldn't even start cooking if those were all I had........
madjack

[planovet]

Redneck pickup lines...

1. Did you fart? cuz you just blew me away.

2. Are yer parents retarded? cuz ya sure are special.

3. My Love fer you is like diarrhea. I just can't hold it in.

4. Do you have a library card? cuz I'd like to sign you out

5. Is there a mirror in yer pants? cuz I can see myself in em.

6. If you was a tree & I was a Squirrel, I'd store my nuts in yer hole.

7. You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty's only a light switch away.

8. I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.

9. Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

10. If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon.

AND.. the best for last!

11. Yer face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it, my nuts tighten up.

[Jiminsav]

Redneck pickup lines...

1. Did you fart? cuz you just blew me away.

2. Are yer parents retarded? cuz ya sure are special.

3. My Love fer you is like diarrhea. I just can't hold it in.

4. Do you have a library card? cuz I'd like to sign you out

5. Is there a mirror in yer pants? cuz I can see myself in em.

6. If you was a tree & I was a Squirrel, I'd store my nuts in yer hole.

7. You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty's only a light switch away.

8. I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.

9. Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

10. If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon.

AND.. the best for last!

11. Yer face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it, my nuts tighten up.

OMG, Mark...thats just wrong