Humor of the Day

[planovet]

Mark...thats just wrong

Hey, it's straight from "Bubba & Cooter's Book of Sure-fire Pick-up Lines".

[chorizon]

Pa? Is that you? You told me you were going out for cigarettes and you never came back...

[halfdome, Danny]

A fart is a pleasant thing,
It gives the belly ease,
It warms the bed in winter,
And suffocates the fleas.


A fart can be quiet,
A fart can be loud,
Some leave a powerful,
Poisonous cloud

A fart can be short,
Or a fart can be long,
Some farts have been known
To sound like a song.....



A fart can create
A most curious medley,
A fart can be harmless,
Or silent , and deadly.

A fart might not smell,
While others are vile,
A fart may pass quickly,
Or linger a while......


A fart can occur
In a number of places,
And leave everyone there,
With strange looks on their faces.


From wide-open prairie,
To small elevators,
A fart will find all of
Us sooner or later.


That farts are all bad,
Is simply not true-
We must never forget.......
Sweet old farts like you!
Kinda brings a tear to your eye - right?

[planovet]

Holy Prostitutes

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a
sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought....
Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives
past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far
side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the
door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in
a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you my son?'

He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in
possibly doing business....'

'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding
passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door
and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the
door. This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the
large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the
door pulling it shut behind him.

The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:

GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.

[rowerwet]

> INTERESTING
>
> HISTORY
>
> LESSON
>
>
>
> Railroad tracks. This is fascinating.
>
> Be sure to
> read the final paragraph; your understanding of
> it will depend
> on the earlier part of the
> content.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> The US standard
>
> railroad gauge (distance between the rails)
> is 4 feet, 8.5
> inches.. That's an exceedingly odd
> number.
>
> Why was that
> gauge used? Because that's the way they
> built them
> in England, and English expatriates
> built
> the US railroads.
>
> Why did the English
> build them like that? Because the first rail
> lines were built by
> the same people who built the pre-railroad
> tramways, and that's
> the gauge they used.
>
> Why did 'they' use that gauge then?
> Because the people who built the tramways
> used the same jigs and
> tools that they used for building wagons,
> which used that wheel
> spacing.
>
> Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel
> spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other
> spacing, the wagon
> wheels would break on some of the old, long
> distance roads
> in England, because that's the
> spacing of the wheel
> ruts.
>
> So who built those old rutted roads?
> Imperial Rome built the first long
> distance roads in Europe
> (and England ) for their legions. The
> roads have been used
> ever since.
>
> And the ruts in the roads? Roman war chariots
> formed the initial ruts, which everyone else
> had to match for fear
> of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the
> chariots were made for
> Imperial Rome, they were all alike in
> the matter of wheel
> spacing. Therefore the United
> States standard railroad
> gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from
> the original
> specifications for an Imperial Roman war
> chariot.. Bureaucracies
> live forever.
>
> So the next time you are handed a
> specification/
> procedure/process and wonder
> 'What horse's ass came up with
> it?', you may be exactly right.
> Imperial Roman army chariots were made just
> wide enough to
> accommodate the rear ends of two war horses.
> (Two horse's asses.)
> Now, the twist to the story:
>
> When you see a Space Shuttle
> sitting on its launch pad, there are two big
> booster rockets
> attached to the sides of the main fuel tank.
> These are solid
> rocket boosters, or SRB's. The SRB's
> are made by Thiokol at their
> factory in Utah . The engineers who
> designed the SRB's
> would have preferred to make them a bit
> fatter, but the SRB's had
> to be shipped by train from the factory to
> the launch site. The
> railroad line from the factory happens to run
> through a tunnel in
> the mountains, and the SRB's had to fit
> through that tunnel. The
> tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad
> track, and the railroad
> track, as you now know, is about as wide as
> two horses'
> behinds.
>
> So,
> a major Space Shuttle design feature of what
> is arguably the
> world's most advanced transportation
> system was determined over
> two thousand years ago by the width of a
> horse's ass. And you
> thought being a horse's ass wasn't
> important? Ancient horse's
> asses control almost everything... and
> CURRENT Horses Asses
> are controlling everything
>
> else.

[Kevin A]

http://sbynews.blogspot.com/2009/07/bur ... ormer.html

[planovet]

First-year students at Texas A&M's Vet school were receiving
their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered
with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, 'In
Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a
doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the
animal body.' For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck
his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck his finger
in his mouth.

'Go ahead and do the same thing,' he told his students. The
students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took
turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking
on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said,
'The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle
finger and sucked on my index finger.' 'Now learn to pay attention.
Life's tough, but it's even tougher if you're stupid.

[planovet]

WHY WOMEN CAN'T SLEEP


Have you ever wondered how a woman's brain works?
Well......it's finally explained here in one, easy-to-understand illustration:



Every one of those little blue balls is a thought about something that needs to be done,
a decision or a problem that needs to be solved.

A man has only 2 balls and they consume all his thoughts.

[rebapuck]

From the Eriba Forum.

Little Susie went home from school and told her mum that the boys kept asking her to do cartwheels because she's very good at them.

Mum said, "You should say "No" -they only want to look at your knickers."
Susie said, "I know they do.
That's why I hide them in my bag"!

[Muggnz]

To maintain a healthy level of insanity
1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2. On all your cheque stubs, write 'For Marijuana'.
3. Skip down the street rather than walk and see how many looks you get.
4. Order a 'Diet Water' whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
5. Sing along at the Opera.
6. When the money comes out the ATM, scream 'I won! I won!'
7. When leaving the Zoo, start running towards the car park, yelling 'Run for your lives! They're loose!'
8. Tell your children over dinner, 'due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.'



And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity
9. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.

[planovet]

[LesterS]

Some jokes just write themselves.

[halfdome, Danny]

Thomas Edison took infrequent vacations. During one such trip to the West he was befriended
by an Indian tribe
They provided free room and board, as well as expert fishing guides for his stay.
On his first night he discovered that the only sanitary facility was an
old-fashioned outhouse. To make things worse, it had no light even though
the village had electricity in the homes.
As a thank-you gift for their kindness, Edison purchased the necessary
materials and personally installed lighting in the Indians' privy.
He thus became the first person to wire a head for a reservation.

[Muggnz]

When Bill Gates died, he went up to Heaven, where Saint
Peter showed him to his house, a beautiful 20 room house,
with grounds and a tennis court. Bill Gates was pleased,
and spent many months enjoying the amenities of Heaven. One
day, he was enjoying one of Heaven's many fine parks, when
he ran into a man dressed in a fine tailored suit.

"That is a nice suit, my friend," said Gates. "Where did
you get it?" "Actually," the man replied, "I was given a
hundred of these when I got here. I've been treated really
well. I got a mansion on a hill overlooking a beautiful
hill, with a huge five-hundred acre estate, a golf course,
and three Rolls Royce's."

"Were you a Pope, or a doctor healing the sick?" asked
Gates. "No," said his new friend, "Actually, I was the
captain of the Titanic." Hearing this made Gates so angry
that he immediately stalked off to find St. Peter.
Cornering Peter, he told him about the man he had just met,
saying, "How could you give me a paltry new house, while
you're showering new cars, a mansion, and fine suits on the
Captain of the Titanic? I invented the Windows operating
system! Why does he deserve better??!"

"Yes, but we use Windows," replied Peter, "and the Titanic
only crashed once.

ps I have an Imac

[BILLYL]

As heard on our local radio station - WMAL 630AM

For the kegger being planned for the White House tonight -

Gates - likes Red Stripe,
Obama - likes Bud Lite,
Crowley - likes Blue Moon.


Red. Lite, and Blue! Ha!