by Tumbleweed_Tex » Tue Jul 06, 2010 9:35 am
URGES
Renee has a modest woodworking shop down by the creek, equipped with table and miter saws, a router table, a small planer, and a cantankerous old dust collector that works really well if you can keep it from plugging up. When the moon is right, me and Dog will build a cabinet or two for the office, a new display case for the store, or something a little more custom and unique.
Well...the other day at the hardware store, I ran across this new and improved wood glue with a picture of a gorilla on the bottle. The monkey was quoted, right there on the label, as saying this was absolutely, positively, the strongest glue ever made...stronger than steel...unbreakable...yeah, right. Making a statement like that to a cowboy is…well…you know. I bought two large bottles of the glue…for testing purposes.
As a result of spending two whole days making four of the most beautiful floor-length, hickory cabinet doors you ever saw, and then spending a minute and a half cutting all four of them an inch too short...I had closed the door to the shop with a slight measure of authority a few days earlier. And as a result of THAT, the doorframe was splintered and cracked, and the door wouldn't stay closed properly.
Since I knew the hickory wasn't the last mistake I'd ever make (and thus the door would most likely be subjected to more abuse), I figured the monkey glue was about to meet it's match, and set about to prove that no ape could stand up to a perturbed cowboy when he decides to slam a door.
Gorilla Glue is moisture activated, and works by chemical reaction. The monkey says to moisten the surfaces to be glued with a damp cloth, apply a thin coating of glue to both sides, and clamp the pieces for maximum adherence. She (with that expression, it's gotta be a GIRL monkey) also says the glue will foam and expand as it cures, but that part is included under the warning label, which no self respecting cowboy or big black dog is going to waste time reading.
I took a cup of water and literally drenched the door and frame. I applied the glue until it dripped off onto the floor. I then closed the door, using it to hold the broken frame tightly in place. Dog and I then spent a leisurely afternoon sorting tools, sweeping sawdust, and lying to each other about the ladies in our lives.
Along about 4 o'clock, I got me one of those "serious" urges. Now, for those of you less schooled in country etiquette, I feel inclined to explain that even though the shop has no restroom, "common" urges can easily be taken care of by merely stepping into the bushes behind the shop. "Serious" urges however, require a short hike up the hill to the showerhouse, and as urges go, can quickly become the more urgent of the two.
That's when I discovered, at some point in the afternoon, the door and frame had turned into a huge, dripping, foaming mass of what can aptly be described as “gorilla snotâ€