Codependent Kids

[Mightydog]

With all that has happened in your recent history, your kids might want to know that you're here to stay. While no one can guarantee anything, spend time and let them know that they're in your life and you are in theirs....for better or worse, hehehe.

[Redgloves]

Tearhead brings valuable points to the discussion. The neighbor kids are within normal. Children need to be socialized and exposed to many cultures and families. Instead of thinking your kids are exposed to "codependent" friends, consider that friends are exposed to children who are well adjusted, are indpendent with your established guidelines.

Depending upon your family dinner table conversations, maybe you can discuss over a meal, slyly of course, not "planned". Start off by saying "I" statements so the observation is yours.

A simple statement about parenting: My job is to raise them to think and act independently when they are 18. (Well, we know 18 lasts a long time).

[Corwin C]

I recently had a discussion with my 13 year old concerning different rules in different households. He is friends with children in a family that are much more lenient where it comes to appropriate language, alcohol consumption, bed times, informing parents when plans change and so on. I thought that it was important that he understood that the rules that we have for him apply all of the time and rules of other households apply when he is there ... AND whichever rule is the most stringent is the one that should be followed. So far, no issues.

I'm blessed with good kids who honestly try to please their parents ... I hope it continues ... forever.

[Miriam C.]

Licensed psychologist hat on here. These behaviors (the tucking, the blankie still at 11) IMO fall within the range of normal behavior. I would definitely not call it "codependent." This term is generally used in the sense of an alcohol or drug addiction where the spouse of the addicted person is overly helpful. The "co" is kind of like hitching a ride on substance dependency, taking one outside ones range of typical behavior. The codependent partner excuses, shoulders excessive responsibility for the addicted person, etc. However, the term seems to have slipped into the general parlance over time, and seems to be used by the general public to mean simply dependent, mutually dependent, or even symbiotic. I'm not sure in which context you were using it.

Different cultures have different customs. A family is a culture. I'd say if he was 15 it could be abnormal, but not at 11. I'd like to point out, too, that we don't know the history here. There may be something like Asperger's disorder (an autism spectrum disorder in which it would be quite common to have a preferred outfit), or perhaps childhood depression or an anxiety disorder (since the sister is anxious and there is a hereditary aspect to anxiety disorders this seems possible also). I personally am cautious about labeling. It might be good to be careful about assuming the parents are fostering dependency or are abnormal. Maybe yes, maybe no. He's only 11, pretty young and still in need of lots of affection and support and love. The only way the child could be technically considered "codependent" is if the parent has an addiction and the child is calling in to work or otherwise covering for the parent.

At the risk of meddling here, this dialog might be considered a gift from your own child, who seems to be asking in a subtle way for more affection. This may be an opportune time to see what he or she hopes for there. Sounds like your child may be craving more physical affection and parental attention and may be envious of the more cosy attention received by the neighbor child (maybe I'm reading this wrong). Eleven is pretty young.

AMEN

When my son was 6 he crossed the road to play with his friend.......the new neighbor called Children's protection because he was not superivised....in Eudora KS...with him mom looking on.....

Really Childrens protection had enough to do that year....Her children were not allowed to go outside at all with out her right there ages 6 & 8...... Now I knew she had to call because we all let out kids out.

In talking with her---she had moved from an increasingly violent part of KC......Parents who valued their children did not let them go out unless they were within reaching distance.......

It is truly a matter of life experiences. My mom did not hug after 2 or 3 years old. We grew up to be some seriously hugging adults. We hugged her into submission.....Now she is very comfortable hugging....she still cringes when an adult kisses their kids, especially on the mouth.

As for panic attacks....that is a medical diagnosis. Insecurity might be caused by something else entirely. Maybe she got lost once......Oh and asking permission is a good thing especially if you live in a city...course my children could never learn that particular skill..

[madprinter]

I totally agree with you Aunti M. In a world with everyone rushing and working all the time its good to see a family spending time with there children and being interested in whats happening in there life. I worked shift work when my girls where young and misseds out on alot. I always enjoyed tucking them in when I was home at there bedtime. It gave us some time for one on one talking and let them know they where special to me and how much I love them.
My granduaghter stays every other weekend with me. She has a room here at my house and I always tuck her in. Shes 8 going on 28. Very dependent and mature for 8. We both enjoy our time together. She knows shes important to me and loved.
Theres too many key latch children in jail as adults now. Spend time with your kids and let them know you love them. Conversation is very important. I would'nt trade this time for anything.

[starleen2]

Now codependent Grandparents is anothing thing! - Just try and Keep em' away from da' Grandbabies!

[Miriam C.]

Now codependent Grandparents is anothing thing! - Just try and Keep em' away from da' Grandbabies!

You betcha! Wish I had been as good a parent as a grandparent!