Humor of the Day

[gman]

A 75-year-old man went to his doctor to get a sperm count. The Dr. gave him a jar, sent him home and told him to bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day, the 75-year-old man returned to the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.


The doctor asked what happened, and the man explained, "Well, Doc, it's like this. ... First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Arlene, the lady next door, and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing."


The doctor was shocked. "You asked your neighbor!!??"


The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what all three of us tried, with our arthritis, we still couldn't get the jar open

[s4son]

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past, looks up, and says to the monkey "Hey, what're you doing?

The monkey replies, "Smokin' a joint, come up and have some."

So the lizard climbs up the tree, sits next to the monkey, and they smoke a few joints.

After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and he's going to the river to get a drink.
The lizard climbs down the tree and staggers over to the river to get a drink of water, but he is so stoned, he leans over too far and falls into the river.

A crocodile sees this, swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side. Then he asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?"

The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting up in a tree with a monkey smoking pot, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out, and wanders off into the jungle. He finds the tree where the monkey is sitting finishing up a joint.

The crocodile yells up to the monkey and says "Hey!"

The monkey looks down and says,

"Oh my God, Dude! How much water did you drink?!"

[gman]

While most companies refrain from allowing consumption of
>> alcohol on the premises, there are some good arguments for changing
>> that policy. Reasons for allowing drinking at work include:
>>
>> 1. It's an incentive to show up.
>>
>> 2. It reduces stress.
>>
>> 3. It leads to more honest communications.
>>
>> 4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
>>
>> 5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
>>
>> 6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management
>> wants to hear.
>>
>> 7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
>>
>> 8. It encourages carpooling.
>>
>> 9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you
>> don't care.
>>
>> 10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
>>
>> 11. It makes fellow employees look better.
>>
>> 12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
>>
>> 13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
>>
>> 14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
>>
>> 15. Suddenly, farting during a meeting isn't so embarrassing.
>>
>> 16. No one will remember your strip act at the Christmas Party.
>> -------

[s4son]

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment... Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens.

One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."

"What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

"Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market.

We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks,and the moral to this story is, "don't count your chickens before they're hatched."

"That was a fine story Sarah. Michael, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen.

Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the Gulf War and her plane was hit.

She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete.

She drank the whisky on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she
landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.

She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets.

Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. Then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Stay the hell away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking"

[Chris C]

WHEW!!!!!My sides are hurting.

[Spadinator]

Oh man that one was great!!!

[gman]

Sex Study:

A South American scientist, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with not enough sexual activities read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now; it's too late....

[gman]

Upon reaching 65, old Tom decided to retire.

After having him under foot for a few months, his wife became very agitated with him. She suggested he go and do something to occupy himself like join a club or get a hobby.

Old Tom obliged and went out for a couple of hours. When he got home his wife asked about his day and he replied, "Oh, I just went down to the corner bar and hung out with the guys. Oh yeah, I joined a parachute club."

"What? Are you nuts? You're 65 years old and you're going to start parachuting?"

"Yeah, look I even got a membership card."

"Old man, you need glasses! This is a membership in a PROSTITUTE CLUB!"

"OH, GREAT! NOW WHAT AM I GONNA DO? I SIGNED UP FOR 5 JUMPS A WEEK!!"

[Rob]

g--

I wonder if my wife will accept that as an excuse. yep, that's what I'll look like when her attorney is done with me.

[gman]

An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting.
When she went before the judge he asked her,
"What did you steal?"

She replied: "A can of peaches".

The judge asked her why she had stolen
them and she replied that she was hungry.

The judge then asked her how many
peaches were in the can.

She replied, "6".

The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail."

Before the judge could actually pronounce
the punishment the woman's husband spoke
up and asked the judge if he could say something.

He said, "What is it?"

The husband said "She also stole a can of peas."

[TomS]

g--

I wonder if my wife will accept that as an excuse. yep, that's what I'll look like when her attorney is done with me.

Oh, no. THIS is what you'll look like when her attorney is done with you.

[TomS]

An old pirate was being interviewed by a reporter.

The reporter asked, "why do you have a peg leg"

The pirate replied, "Arrrrrrrgh! A shark bit me. Took me leg clean off".

The reporter asked, "Why do you have a hook for a hand?"

The pirate replied, "Arrrrrrrrgh! I lost me arm in a sword fight".

The reporter asked, "Why do you have a patch over your eye?"

The pirate replied, "Arrrrrrrrgh! 'Twas me first week."

[dhazard]

Sex Study:

A South American scientist, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with not enough sexual activities read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now; it's too late....

Gman, What if you had your finger in your pointer?

[gman]

Gman, What if you had your finger in your pointer?

Better pet him up a bit first, he might bite you!

[TonyCooper]

I normally shy away from this type of humor but a friend sent this one to me and I found too humorous to ignore. Rated PG13

Camp Pendleton Marine

Marine pilot walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive
woman. He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a
moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "I just got this state-of-the-art watch, and I was just
testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special
about it?"

The Marine pilot explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me
telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties...."

"The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am
wearing panties!"

The Marine pilot smirks, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour
fast."