Humor of the Day

[SmokeyBob]

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field.

The old farmer, after seeing what had happened, went over to investigate.

He then proceeded to dig a hole to bury the politicians.

A few days later the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.

The old farmer said he had buried them.

The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Were they all dead?"

The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but I didn’t believe them."

--------------------------

The doorbell, rings, and a man answers it. Here stands this plain but well dressed kid, saying, "Trick or Treat!"

The man asks the kids what he's dressed up like for Halloween. The kid says, "I'm an IRS agent." Then he takes 28% of the man's candy, leaves, and doesn't say Thank You.

--------------------------

The orthopedic surgeon I work for was moving to a new office, and his staff was helping transport many of the items.

I sat the display skeleton in the front of my car, his bony arm across the back of my seat. I hadn't considered the drive across town. At one traffic light, the stares of the people in the car beside me became obvious, and I looked across and explained, "I'm delivering him to my doctor's office."

The other driver leaned out of his window. "I hate to tell you, lady," he said, "but I think it's too late!"

[Dean in Eureka, CA]

Knock-Knock...

[Juneaudave]

Knock-Knock...

Who's There?

[Dean in Eureka, CA]

Knock-Knock...

Who's There?

I Eat Mop...

[Juneaudave]

Knock-Knock...

Who's There?

I Eat Mop...

Ewww!

[Dean in Eureka, CA]

Ahhhh C'Mon Dave...

[teardrop_focus]

[bobhenry]

If you don't get it ...... ask some one older and wiser



Senior's cell phone !

[steve smoot]

Speaking of cell phones for us old dudes

[SmokeyBob]

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room.

The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"

The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze."

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"

The first kid says, "A circumcision."

"Whoa!" the second kid replies. "Good luck, buddy. I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year."

[SmokeyBob]

Once upon a time in a place overrun with monkeys, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each. The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest, and started catching them.

The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, they became harder to catch, so the villagers stopped their effort. The man then announced that he would now pay $20 for each one.

This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again. But soon the supply diminished even further and they were ever harder to catch, so people started going back to their farms and forgot about monkey catching.

The man increased his price to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so sparse that it was an effort to even see a monkey, much less catch one.

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys for $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on his behalf.

While the man was away, the assistant told the villagers, 'Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has bought. I will sell them to you at $35 each and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each.'

The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the monkeys. They never saw the man nor his assistant again and once again there were monkeys everywhere.

Now you know how the stock market works.

[SmokeyBob]

A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut, but the barber refused, saying, "you do God’s work." The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.

A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused to pay, saying, "you protect the public." The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop.

A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment, saying, "you serve the justice system." The next morning the barber found a dozen lawyers waiting for a free haircut.

[SmokeyBob]

A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race come about?"

The Mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve; they had children and, so all mankind was made."

A few days later, the little girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys, and we developed from them."

The confused girl returns to her mother and says, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me that the human race was created by God, and Papa says we developed from monkeys?"

The Mother answers, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about the origin of my side of the family, and your father told you about his side."

[SmokeyBob]

Two guys were sitting in a bar getting really drunk. After a while, just drinking gets boring, so the first guy says to the second guy, "Hey, you want to go for a ride in my airplane?"

The second guy says, "Wow, you have an airplane? Let's go!"

So they get some more beer and go for a tour around the city in the plane. Eventually they get bored with this too, so they decide to land. The drunken pilot starts circling around looking for a place to land, and he sees an airstrip close by. He says to his new buddy along for the ride, "Let's land here. It looks like it's as good a place as any."

So he circles around and goes in for a landing, but at the last minute he swerves and pulls back up. "sh**!" he says, "That is the SHORTEST runway I have ever seen! How is anyone supposed to land on it?" But since it's the only runway nearby, he decides to try again, with the same result.

Getting pretty irritated, the pilot says to his friend, "All right, I'm going to try ONE more time, and if I can't land it we're just going to crash and hope we don't die." So they end up crashing, and miraculously neither is hurt.

When they crawl out of the wreckage, the first guy is swears and gesticulates wildly at the runway. "I'm gonna find whoever designed this crazy runway and wring his neck! He must be total moron! No one could land on anything that short!"

The second guy looks around and says "Yeah, but look how wide it is!"

[SmokeyBob]

A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him:

"I am placed in the door and told when to jump"

"My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go"

"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked.

"I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground" he answered.

"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked.

He quickly answered "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack".