Humor of the Day

[gman]

The AOL car would have a TOP speed of 40 MPH yet have a 200 MPH speedometer.

The AOL car would come equipped with a NEW and fantastic 8-Track tape
player.

The car would often refuse to start and owners would just expect this and
try again later.

The windshield would have an extra dark tint to protect the driver from
seeing better cars.

AOL would sell the same model car year after year and claim it's the NEW
model.

Every now and then the brakes on the AOL car would just "lock-up" for no
apparent reason.

The AOL car would have a very plain body style but would have lots'a pretty
colors and lights.

The AOL car would have only one door but it would have 5 extra seats for
family members.

Anyone dissatisfied could return the car but must continue to make payments
for 6 months.

If an AOL car owner received 3 parking tickets AOL would take the car from
them.

The AOL car would have an AOL Cell phone that can only place calls to other
AOL car cell phones.

AOL would pass a new car law forbidding AOL car owners from driving near
other car dealerships.

AOL car mechanics would have no experience in car repair.

Younger AOL car drivers would be able to make other peoples AOL cars stall
just for fun.

It would not be possible to upgrade your AOL car stereo.

AOL cars would be forced to use AOL gas that cost 20% more and gave worse
mileage.

Anytime an AOL car owner saw another AOL car owner he would wonder, M/F/age?

It would be common for AOL car owners to divorce just to marry another AOL
car owner.

AOL car owners would always claim to be older or younger than they really
are.

AOL cars would come with a steering wheel and AOL would claim no other cars
have them.

Every time you close the door on the AOL car it would say, "Good-Bye."

[Nitetimes]

Don't you wish you were Dear Abby so you could write the replies to these idiots.

******************************************************

Dear Abby,
I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.

******************************************************
Dear Abby,
I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boy friend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.

******************************************************
Dear Abby,
I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.

******************************************************
Dear Abby,
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?

******************************************************
Dear Abby,
I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?

******************************************************
Dear Abby,
My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.

******************************************************
Dear Abby,
I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.

******************************************************
Dear Abby,
My mother is mean and short tempered. I think she is going through mental pause.

******************************************************
Dear Abby,
You! told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?

[TomS]

Never underestimate an old guy!

The old farmer had a large pond in the back, fixed up nicely;
picnic tables, barbecue pit, horseshoe courts, along with some
apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed
up for swimming when it was built.

One evening, the old guy decided to go down to the pond and
look it over. He hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed
a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing
with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young
women skinny! dipping in his pond.

As he approached, he made the women aware of his presence.
At once, they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until
you leave."

The old man frowned, "I did not come down here to watch you
young ladies swim naked, or to make you get out of the pond
naked." Holding up the bucket, he said, "I'm here to feed
the alligator."

Moral: Old men can still think fast!

[TomS]

We've all heard about people having guts or balls.
But do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is
listed below

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys,
being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts
to ask: Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys,
smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping
your wife on the ass and having the balls to say: "You're next."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the subject.

[bledsoe3]

We've all heard about people having guts or balls.
But do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is
listed below

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys,
being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts
to ask: Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys,
smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping
your wife on the ass and having the balls to say: "You're next."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the subject.

Well now that you've cleared that up, define stupid.

[Tony]

Does anyone know how a near sighted gynecologist and a puppy are alike??

They both walk around with wet noses

[krang469]

What is the difference betwwen PINK and PURPLE??





The Grip!!!


Corny but cute!

[Nitetimes]

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to
the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, I would like to
buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, " Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I
can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law!
I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad
things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband
in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's
different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

[madjack]

CAUTION: misuse of presciptions can kill you(or others) .............

[gman]

A woman brought a very limp parrot into a veterinary clinic. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said,
"I'm so sorry, Polly has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed,
"Are you sure? I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, shrugged, turned and left the room returning in a few moments with a beautiful black Labrador. As the bird's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the parrot from top to bottom.
He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet escorted the dog from the room and returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up and delicately sniffed the bird. The cat then sat back, shook it's head, meowed and ran out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said,
"I'm sorry, but, like I said, your parrot is most definitely 100% certifiably dead."
He then turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman.
The parrot's owner, still in shock, took the bill.
"A HUNDRED AND FIFTY POUNDS!" she cried. "A HUNDRED AND FIFTY POUNDS just to tell me my bird is dead?!"
The vet shrugged.
"If you'd taken my word for it the bill would only have been £20, but... what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan.....

[Rob]

So you think you're having a bad day at work:

This is even funnier when you realize it's real! Next time
you have a bad day at work .. think of this guy, John is a commercial
saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater
repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to his
sister.

Hi Sue,

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.
Last week, I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been
feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you
to make you realize it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you
what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few
technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I
wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the
water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a
diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of
equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful
temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which
is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and
I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to
the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down
the back of my wetsuit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's
like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt
started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things
worse.Within a few seconds, my butt started to burn I pulled the
hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony, I realized what
had happened.

The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it
into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the
jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my butt was not as
fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was
actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt. I informed
the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His
instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers,
were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive. I
was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression
stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface
to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I
was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the
water,the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me
a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in
the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for
two days because my butt was swollen shut.

So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how
much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.
Now repeat to yourself, "I love my job, I love my job, I love my
job."

Now whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a
jellyfish bad day? May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day!

[Spadinator]

[Spadinator]

The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. (This is one pretty sharp boss!)
When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest. The theme: Viagra advertising slogans.
The only rule was that they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products, that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations
were acceptable.

About seven minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top Ten List. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week
went very well for everyone

The Top Ten were:



10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!
9. Viagra, The quicker pecker upper.
8. Viagra, Like a rock!
7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.
6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.
5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.
4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
3. Viagra, home of the whopper!
2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!

And the unanimous number one slogan:

1. This is your winkie. This is your winkie on drugs.

[Nitetimes]

There was this man who won a contest and got one free ticket to the
Super Bowl. He was thrilled, but when he got to the stadium and found
his seat he was somewhat disappointed. His ticket was for the last row,
and it was WAY up there. He couldn't see the game, so he began looking
around.

Close to the field he saw an empty seat, so he decided to go down
there. He reached the seat and asked the man next to the unoccupied
seat if anyone was seating there.

The man replied, "No." So the guy sat down and struck up a
conversation.

"Who would have a seat right next to the field and not come?!?"

The man answers, "Oh, that was my wife's seat."

"Where is she?" the guy replied.

"She died."

"Oh, I'm sorry...don't you have anyone else to come with you, a
brother, or friend?"

"No, they couldn't come."

"Why?"

"Because they are at her funeral."

[gman]

Paddy wanted to be an accountant, so he went for an aptitude
test:
Tester: "If I give you two Rabbits, and two rabbits, and another
two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?"

Paddy replied, "SEVEN!"

Tester: "No, listen carefully again. If I give you two rabbits,
and two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have
you got?"

Paddy: "SEVEN!"

Tester: "Let's try this another way. If I give you two bottles of
beer, and two bottles of beer, and another two bottles of beer,
how many bottles of beer have you got?"

Paddy: "SIX."

Tester: "Good! Now, if I give you two Rabbits, and two rabbits,
and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?"

Paddy: "SEVEN!"

Tester: "How on Earth do you figure that you'd have seven
rabbits?"

Paddy: "Well I've already got one rabbit at home!"