Humor of the Day

[SmokeyBob]

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance...

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.'

[SmokeyBob]

With Apologies to Edgar Allen Poe

Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary,
System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor.
Longing for the warmth of bed sheets, still I sat there doing spreadsheets.
Having reached the bottom line, I took a floppy from the drawer.
Typing with a steady hand, I then invoked the SAVE command,
But instead got a reprimand. It read "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

Was this some occult illusion? Some maniacal intrusion?
These were choices Solomon himself had never faced before.
Carefully, I weighed the options. These three seemed to be the top ones.
Clearly, now I must adopt one. "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

With my fingers pale and trembling, slowly toward the keyboard bending,
Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored.
Praying for some guarantee, finally I pressed a key –
But on the screen, what did I see? "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

I tried to catch the chips off-guard — I pressed again but twice as hard.
Luck was not in the cards. I saw what I had seen before.
Now I typed in desperation, trying random combinations.
Still there came the incantation: "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

There I sat, distraught, exhausted. By my own machine accosted.
Getting up, I turned away and paced across the office floor.
And then I saw an awful sight, a bold and blinding flash of light.
A lightning bolt had cut the night and shook me to my core.
I saw the screen collapse and die. "No! No! My database!," I cried.
I thought I heard a voice reply, "You'll see your data Nevermore!"

To this day I do not know the place to which lost data goes.
I bet it goes to Heaven where the angels have it stored.
But as for productivity, well I fear, it goes straight to Hell.
And that's the tale I have to tell, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

[SmokeyBob]

A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.

'I'm O. K. But I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,' he answered.

'What did he say,' asked the nurse.

'Oops!'

--------------------------------

'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said, 'and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'

'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and t hen I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'

[planovet]

The Afghan Quarterback

The coach had put together the perfect team for the
Detroit Lions. The only thing that was missing was a
good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges
and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but
he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super
Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone
scene in Afghanistan. In one corner of the background,
he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly
incredible arm.

He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story
window 100 yards away.

KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right
into a chimney.

KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.

BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" coach said to himself. "He has
the perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the
great game of football. And the Lions go on to win the
Super Bowl.

The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football,
and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the
young man wants is to call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you," the old Muslim woman says.
"You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man
pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world.
I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very
moment, there are gunshots all around us. The
neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were
beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to
keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!"

The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "I will never
forgive you for making us move to Detroit!!"

[SmokeyBob]

A group of elementary school students were on a field trip to the local police station. Several of the children were fascinated by the wanted posters on the wall.

Little Billy raised his hand and asked the police officer giving them the tour, who the people on the wall were.

"Those are pictures of criminals we are looking for," answered the policeman. "We call those wanted posters."

Little Billy looked puzzled. His hand shot back up into the air. "Well," he wondered, "why didn't you just keep them when you took their picture?"

[SmokeyBob]

On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.

On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap."

On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost."

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down."

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating."

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body."

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness."

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use."

On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts."

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."

I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one: On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."

On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."

[SmokeyBob]

A man took his limp duck to the vet, who listened for the bird's pulse with her stethoscope. "Sorry, your bird's dead."

"You sure?" he shouted.

"I'm sure."

"But you haven't tested or anything. He might be in a coma!"

Rolling her eyes, the vet brought a Labrador Retriever and cat into the room. The lab put his paws on the examination table, sniffed the duck and looked at the vet with sad eyes.

The cat jumped up, sniffed the duck, shook her head and meowed softly.

"Sorry," said the vet, "but definitely, the duck is certifiably dead." She then printed out her bill and handed it to the man.

"$150!!" he cried. "Just to say my duck is dead?"

The vet shrugged. "Sorry, if you'd have taken my word for it, it would have been $20. But with the Lab Report and the CAT Scan, it all adds up!"

[SmokeyBob]

Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

If this isn't you yet, your day is coming! A. A. A. D. D. Jokes

This is how it manifests: I decide to wash my car.

As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the hall table.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trash can under the table, and notice that the trash can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the trash first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only one check left.

My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.

I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote.

Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, the flowers aren't watered, there is still only one check in my checkbook, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.

[Prem]

Being a modest and religious man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."

To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sicko.â€

[SmokeyBob]

Is there an imaginary cutoff period when
Offspring become accountable
For their own actions?
Is there some wonderful moment when
Parents can become detached spectators in
The lives of their children and shrug,
'It's Their life,' and feel nothing?

When I was in my twenties,
I stood in a hospital corridor
Waiting for doctors to put a few stitches
In my son's head and I asked,
'When do you stop worrying?'
The nurse said,
'When they get out of the accident stage..'
My Parents just smiled faintly
And said nothing.

When I was in my thirties,
I sat on a little chair in a classroom
And heard how one of my children
Talked incessantly, disrupted the class,
And was headed for a career
Making license plates.
As if to read my mind, a teacher said,
'Don't worry, they all go through this stage
And then you can sit back,
Relax and enjoy them.'
My Parents just smiled faintly
And said nothing.

When I was in my forties,
I spent a lifetime waiting
For the phone to ring,
The cars to come home,
The front door to open.
A friend said,
'They're trying to find themselves.
'Don't worry!
In a few years, they'll be adults.
'They'll be off on their own
They'll be out of your hair'
My Parents just smiled faintly
And said nothing.

By the time I was 50,
I was sick & tired of being vulnerable.
I was still worrying over my children,
But there was a new wrinkle..
Even though they were on their own
I continued to anguish over their failures,
Be tormented by their frustrations and
Absorbed in their disappointments.
And there was nothing I could do about it.
My Parents just smiled faintly
And said nothing.

My friends said that
When my kids got married
I could stop worrying
And lead my own life.
I wanted to believe that,
But I was haunted by my parent's warm smiles
And their occasional,
'You look pale. Are you all right' ?
'Call me the minute you get home'.
Are you depressed about something?'

My friends said that
When I became a grandparent
That I would get to enjoy
The happy little voices yelling
Grandma! Papa!
But now I find that I worry
Just as much about the little kids
As the big ones.
How can anyone cope
With all this Worry?

Can it be that parents are sentenced
To a lifetime of worry?
Is concern for one another
Handed down like a torch
To blaze the trail of human frailties
And the fears of the unknown?
Is concern a curse or is it
A virtue that elevates us
To the highest form of earthly creation?

Recently, one of my own children
Became quite irritable, saying to me,
'Where were you?
I've been calling for 3 days,
And no one answered
I was worried.'
I smiled a warm smile.
The torch has been passed.

[Prem]

HELPFUL

I was in Lowe's the other day pushing my cart around when I collided with a
young guy pushing his cart.

I said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I
guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence; I'm looking for my wife,
too."

I said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"

The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 years old, with long blond hair,
big blue eyes, long legs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a
halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"

I said, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours first."

[SmokeyBob]

A soldier was asked to report to headquarters for assignment. The sergeant said: "We have a critical shortage of typists. I'll give you a little test. Type this," he ordered, giving him a pamphlet to copy and a sheet of paper, and pointing to a desk across the room that held a typewriter and an adding machine.

The man, quite reluctant to become a clerk typist, made a point of typing very slowly, and saw to it that his work contained as many errors as possible.

The sergeant gave the typed copy only a brief glance.

"That's fine," he said; "Report for work at 8 tomorrow."

"But aren't you going to check the test?" the prospective clerk asked.

The sergeant grinned. "You passed the test," he replied, "when you sat down at the typewriter instead of at the adding machine."

[SmokeyBob]

The new employee stood before the paper shredder looking confused.

"Need some help?" a secretary, walking by, asked.

"Yes," he replied, "how does this thing work?"

"Simple," she said, taking the fat report from his hand and feeding it into the shredder.

"Thanks, but where do the copies come out?"

[SmokeyBob]

The teacher of the Earth Science class was lecturing on map reading. He spent the class explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees, and minutes.

Towards the end of class, the teacher asked his students, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude..."

A student's voice broke the confused silence, and volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone, sir."

[SmokeyBob]

An elderly widow and widower were dating for about five years. The man finally decided to ask her to marry. She immediately said "yes".

The next morning when he awoke, he couldn't remember what her answer was! "Was she happy? I think so, wait, no, she looked at me funny...

" After about an hour of trying to remember, to no avail, he got on the telephone and gave her a call.

Embarrassed, he admitted that he didn't remember her answer to the marriage proposal.

"Oh", she said, "I'm so glad you called. I remembered saying 'yes' to someone, but I couldn't remember who it was."