Humor of the Day

[SmokeyBob]

The couple was celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary.

An interviewer asked, "Could you please share the secret to a long marriage?"

The husband answered, "Never criticize your wife for her shortcomings, or when she does something wrong. Always bear in mind that it is because of her shortcomings and weaknesses that she could not find a better husband than you."

[SmokeyBob]

Grandparents

She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Grandma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye....

My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 62. My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"

When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."

[SmokeyBob]

I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the local shopping center, and rolled down the car windows to make sure my yellow Lab puppy had enough fresh air.

She was stretched out on the back seat and I needed to impress upon her that she must remain in the car. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Stay ... You stay. Do you hear me?" over and over again.

The driver of a nearby car gave me a strange look and shouted, "Why don't you just put it in Park?"

[SmokeyBob]

Uncle Joe had to get a job. The farm hadn't worked out so well, so this time he tried a local ranch. The rancher took pity on him and decided to give him a chance.

"This," he said, showing my uncle a rope, "is a lariat. We use it to catch cows."

"I see," said Uncle Joe, trying to seem knowledgeable as he examined the lariat, "And what do you use for bait?"

[SmokeyBob]

This guy was walking along the beach in Malibu when he came across this salt-encrusted piece of metal. He worked for an hour or so to remove the salt. Lo and behold it was a very old oil lamp. The guy started to buff it to remove the verdigris when "poof" a genie appeared.

This genie, like all genies, was so happy to be freed of the lamp that he granted the guy three wishes.

"I wish to be a dollar richer than Bill Gates," says the guy. The genie wasn't sure who Bill Gates was until the guy told him to check Forbes magazine. When the genie called up Forbes from inside the lamp he learned that Bill Gates was indeed the richest man in the world.

"Guy," the genie said, "You will forever be a dollar richer than Bill Gates. What's your second wish?"

"Genie, I want the most expensive Porsche made: Fire engine red, on board GPS and the finest audio system ever installed in an automobile."

"That's easy, Guy," says the genie. He waves his hand and the best car anybody had ever seen pops out of the lamp. The genie then asks the guy for his third wish.

The guy mulls the problem over and over. A girl-- nah, with billions and billions of dollars he certainly had become a chick magnet. World peace? Only wackos want that. The guy couldn't think of what he wanted to use his final wish for.

"Genie," the guy said, "I can't think of anything now. May I save the third wish for later?"

"Gee, this is most unusual. But you hold the hammer, I can't escape from this lamp until you make a third wish. Call me when you're ready," and whoosh the genie disappears into the lamp.

The guy carefully picks up the now-ever-so- valuable lamp and places it in the trunk of the fire engine red Porsche. He turns the radio on to balance the sounds and makes all the other adjustments needed to get his great audio system customized to his ears.

After that, he pulled off the beach and headed south along the Pacific Coast Highway. Soon he was up to 60, then 70, then 80. The Porsche handled perfectly. The guy was so happy that he began to sing along with the familiar commercial on the radio.

"Oh, I wish I was an Oscar-Mayer Wiener...

[caseydog]

I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the local shopping center, and rolled down the car windows to make sure my yellow Lab puppy had enough fresh air.

She was stretched out on the back seat and I needed to impress upon her that she must remain in the car. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Stay ... You stay. Do you hear me?" over and over again.

The driver of a nearby car gave me a strange look and shouted, "Why don't you just put it in Park?"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R55e-uHQna0



CD

[SmokeyBob]

Wisdom from a Dying Nun

The 98-year-old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable.

They gave her some warm milk to drink but she refused.

Then one of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Bushmills received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount of the whiskey into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a Little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.

"Mother," the nuns asked with earnest,

"Please give us some wisdom before you die."

She raised herself up in bed and with a pious look on her face said,"Don't sell that cow."

[SmokeyBob]

A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, a man comes down and asked the man if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No", he said, "the seat is empty".

"This is incredible", said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it ?"

Somberly, the man says, "Well... the seat actually belongs to me. I was supposed to come here with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we have not seen together since we got married in 1967."

"Oh I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else - a friend or relative or even a neighbor to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head, "No. They're all at the funeral."

[SmokeyBob]

Tech Support

Tech Support: What kind of computer do you have?

Customer: A white one.



Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my DVD out !!!

Tech Support: Have you tried pushing the button?

Customer: Yes, I'm sure it's really stuck.

Tech Support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.

Customer: No, wait a minute, I hadn't inserted it yet. It's still on my desk . . . sorry. Thank you.



Customer: I have problems printing in red.

Tech Support: Do you have a color printer?

Customer: Aaaah . . . . . . . . . . thank you.



Tech Support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?

Customer: A teddy bear that my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11 store.



Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.

Tech Support: Are you sure your keyboard is plugged into the computer?

Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.

Tech Support: Pick up your keyboard and take ten steps backwards.

Customer: Okay.

Tech Support: Did the keyboard come with you?

Customer: Yes.

Tech Support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in.



Customer: I can't get on the internet.

Tech Support: Are you absolutely sure you used the correct password?

Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my co-worker do it.

Tech Support: Can you tell me what the password was?

Customer: Five dots.



Tech Support: How may I help you?

Customer: I'm writing my first email.

Tech Support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?

Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the little circle around it?

[SmokeyBob]

A Texan, while visiting Toronto, found himself in the back seat of a taxi cab on the way to his hotel. Passing by the Royal York the Texan asked the cab driver "What's that building there?"

"That's the Royal York Hotel" replied the cabbie.

"The Royal York? How long did it take to build that?" asked the Texan.

"About 12 years" replied the cabbie.

"12 years? We build 'em twice as high, twice as wide and four times as long down in Texas, and we do that in six months."

A while later the cab driver makes his way past the Metro-Toronto Convention Centre. "What's that building over there?" asked the Texan.

"That's the Metro-Toronto Convention Centre" replied the cabbie.

"Convention Centre? How long'd it take to build that?" asked the Texan.

"About three years" replied the cabbie.

"Three years? We build 'em twice as high, three times as long and four times as wide as that down in Texas, and it only takes us about two weeks."

Shortly thereafter the cabbie drives past the CN Tower. "What's that building there?" asks the Texan, pointing at the tower.

"Danged if I know" replied the cabbie, "It wasn't here when I drove by yesterday."

[SmokeyBob]

Fitness Tips

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now, and we don't know where she is.

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.

I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

I don't jog... it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

[SmokeyBob]

On the way back from a Cub Scout meeting, my grandson innocently said to my son, 'Dad, I know babies come from mommies' tummies, but how do they get there in the first place?'

After my son hemmed and hawed awhile, my grandson finally spoke up in disgust, 'You don't have to make up something, Dad. It's okay if you don't know the answer.'

[SmokeyBob]

Things to do While Taking a Driver's Test

1. Turn the radio on. When the examiner goes to turn it off, slap his/her hand.

2. Rev the car really high, turn to the examiner, and say with an evil look, "Buckle up!"

3. Come dressed in a suit. Before the examiner gets in the car, ask him/her to put a piece of saran wrap down, so he doesn't dirty the seat.

4. When the examiner tells you to stop, pop the hood latch and say "oops".

5. Get in the car; look down at the pedals, and say, "now which one is the gas again?"

6. After the examiner gets in the car, pop the hood, and get out and check the oil.

7. Fill your car with beer bottles.

8. The whole time you're driving, talk about how Aunt Gertrude smells like mothballs.

9. Tell the Registrar that you'd like to take the remedial test.

10. In the middle of the test, put your arm around the examiner.

11. Swear at everybody on the road.

12. When you stop at a light, start revving the engine while looking back and forth between the person next to you and the light.

13. Honk your horn at everything.

14. Break off your rear-view mirror and then ask the examiner to hold it up.

[SmokeyBob]

I was maybe 3 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news, when I brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.

My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was "just the cutest thing!"

Mom waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy; and she watched him drink it up.

Then she said, (as only a Mother would know), "Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water, is the toilet?"

[SmokeyBob]

Last summer my wife and I met a couple who were friends of my wife, at a restaurant. After lunch, the women decided to go shopping, and I invited the man to go sailing.

While we were out on the water, a storm blew up.

The tide had gone out, and we were down wind trying to work our way back through a narrow channel. At one point the boat grounded and we had to climb overboard and shove with all our might to get it back in deep water.

As my new friend stood there, ankle deep in muck, the wind blowing his hair wildly, rain streaming down his face, he grinned at me, and with unmistakable sincerity said,

"Sure beats shopping."